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BM weaponizes her daughter

Shieldmaiden's picture

SD19 has been estranged from DH for 3 months. SD21 stirred the shit pot during the holidays, so SD19 took her side and rarely speaks a word to us. (SD21 wanted to come to Thanksgiving at our house, so she accused me of child abuse when she was 15. Mind you, this kid has been 200lbs and over since she was 12, and she was the one who raised her fist to me. I walked away.)

I'm great with SD19 and SD21 not coming around, but yesterday BM told SD19 that DH has been "ignoring her numerous texts to him." So SD19, instead of saying "BM, why can't you just call DH and figure out your own drama?"  No, instead, SD19 lets herself be weaponized by Narcissistic BM and calls DH on her behalf, yelling accusations at him out of the blue. 

DH sent SD19 a screen shot of his text log from BM for the last 3 months: 1 or 2 texts that he replied to, then nothing from BM.  SD19 refused to believe the facts, and calls her dad a liar. He then tells her she is an adult, and if she can't evaluate the facts rationally, then she shouldn't call him to use him as her emotional punching bag. He also wrote her a letter and hand-delivered it. It basically said she is being really hurtful by hurling accusations and refusing to believe anything he says. Its like she wants to lash out at someone, and he is the easy target. SD likes to take the moral high ground, and pretend that she knows more about life than anyone else on earth. (She never leaves the house and plays video games all day, but she watches YouTube so she is an EXPERT ON LIFE!) Yup, SD19 loves to judge people from her lofty perch on her mother's couch (rent free!) - telling her dad he was a terrible parent, etc etc. 

It really astounds me how out of touch with reality she is. Not sure what BM is up to, or why suddenly she did that to her daughter? There must be trouble in paradise in her new relationship. DH ran into BM and her new boyfriend at Home Depot once, and he said "He's a nice guy, but there is not that much going on between his ears. I kind of feel bad for him. I know what she will do to him. "   So, I am just happy that DH didn't lie down and take it, and hopefully SD19 will get some therapy, or a job, or both.


shamds's picture

Especially the eldest who is 28/29 now from memory.

back in august 2019, she calls hubby out of the blue fake crocodile tears guilting him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me. Apparently it was me and our 2 young kids then aged 2.5 & 1 for existing because hubby prioritised time with us. Sd was about 23.5 at the time and expected the same level of care, intimacy and love as what we got from hubby instead of getting indepence. Stupidly she already had a boyfriend from college that you would think her focus should be on working towards building a life and future together but nope

and in the asian country she lives in, at her age now she is considered defective goods for not being married already because she is a uni graduate who couldn't gain a job on her own. Needed daddy for favours and guilts him to even now continue cs payments to her indefinitely despite being in full time employment since over 4 yrs ago. People like her tend to be married by early/mid 20s. Exception is if you are career driven in a top position or doing phd, working as a dr etc, something sd isn't. My husband refused since divorce to be anywhere near sd. Her wedding requires hubby to be present to give permission for her to marry by law in their country. He cannot be bypassed for authority as they live in a muslim country and are muslims. Hubby hasn't come to the point of making a decision whether he'd rather pass that authority over to his son because of all the abuse biomum did towards him and in divorce had family threaten shooting or stabbing hubby to death. She'd definitely cause a scene snd make hubby the perpetrator. I won't participate or be present at any wedding and so to will our kids and knowing sd's they would want my kids presence there because we're caucasian and they like bio mum, love to rub it in peoples faces how refined and upper class they are when they're anything but

bio mum was allowed to have an affair with current hubby whilst married tocmy husband before they separated and divorced, marry in secret whikst kids were in school where he left his wife to marry her, but hubby waiting 5.5 yrs post divorce to marry is not ok. He's guilted and shamed for it.

sd's refuse to acknowledge they made the decision to end contact, to walk away from my husband for over 5.5 yrs over lies bio mum made about him that they know were lies.

its easier to blame me and 2 then toddlers. I had bern disengaged for almost a yr when they made that claim.

since then i refused to be around them or have my kids exposed to their toxicity. I educated my kids that they made these lies about them and guilted them for existing and being in daddys life and wish we all didn't exist and hate their dad for us. I refuse to sugarcoat things like some stepparents here do to their young kids.

nope my kids will be educated with the facts of sd's. The reason why i did this is sd's like to fake it till they make it in front of hubbys family so they appear sister of the yr material. You don't get to call your dad guilting and shaming him for our existence then fake you're best sisters. My 2 kids don't acknowledge sd's as their half siblings. Only ss they recognise is their brother from another mother

hubby didn't bother sending hand written notes to sd. She made the claim bio mum lied her whole life then claimed biomum said my husband went to wotch drs to do black magic against their mum and it must be true because lying bio mum said it. You can't be that ignorant unless you are stupid which sd is.

she would always lecture me andnanswer back regarding parenting of my kids. I put her in her place and told hubby to handle this. Took hubby 1.5 yrs to put his foot down and tell her she lacked the basic life skills and authority to dictate what happened regarding our 2 little kids and that she did not have the right to answer back and she sulked for months

now when she contacts hubby its because of a state public holiday where she is at a parade that goes "i'm here today look at me i'm so perfect" in the most rude disrespectful way. She would often come up with some absurd ridiculous non emergent emergency whilst we were o/seas to intentionally distract hubby from having a great time with us.

i never want anything to do with her. My husband siad she apologised for her behaviOur towards me but never said sorry to me. It was some half arsed bullshit to hubby that said "sorry if i did anything wrong"

thinkthrice's picture

Almost always wins out.   I thought about an elderly couple (2nd marriage) and the husband is now deceased.   I used to do computer work for them and he was STILL paying his ex wife alimony well over 4 decades later.   He assured me that Chef's ferals would "come around" when they were adults. 

Yeah, no.  And I'm grateful frankly that they haven't as we would have nothing in common. 

shamds's picture

If one parent is say stay at home as the other spouse was the high income earner career driven etc, upon divorce with young kids, ok for a few months or a year or what the reasonable time frame in getting a job is but no freeloading off your ex. When you divorce, you are responsible for yourself and jointly for your kids.

malaysia where my husband is from, for the muslims its a lump sum amount. The husband pays 3 months worth of alimony and exwife is no longer his problem. He still is ordered to pay cs but there is no such thing as decades of alimony even if you do or don't have a degree, its your responsibility to financially care for yourself.