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NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Yesterday, DH got several lengthy text messages from FIL. What does this have to do with SD and BM you may ask. Well, FIL apparently did reach out to BM about trying to see SD now that they live within 30 minutes of each other again. DH's half sister is apparently going through a divorce, tried to kill herself, and so she has been living with FIL. Not only that, but she has some unemployed criminal boyfriend coming to FIL's house and she is doing meth. After talking with FIL, it seems he only saw SD at her Christmas program at school. BM offered FIL to take SD back to his house for a couple of days. Which is totally weird when SD hasn't seen or talked to FIL since before she was 2.

Plus it is really annoying because BM is against DH having the 2 days missed made up over the summer because we have Christmas break in 2023... but BM had both fall break in 2022 which we didn't know SD would have plus Christmas so it will be 7 months from when we last saw her in summer until spring break. PLUS BM also has fall break this year because it is not in the CO because at the time the school SD was going to attend did not have a fall break. When fall break was brought up, BM tried to say fall break is maybe only 3-5 days. DH then sent her last years academic calendar and the 2023-2024 academic calendar which proves fall break is actually a total of 10 days off. Guess what? BM has not responded since being sent facts she cannot argue with. Had we known, we would of asked for fall breaks on the years we do not have christmas. We will be bringing it up this coming fall asking BM is we can have fall break on those years (2024) and when she says no, DH will try to reason with her, but then is ready to have a judge decide if it comes to it.

Anyways, FIL told DH all of this to tell DH that he told BM he won't bring SD over until DH's sister is out of his house because he doesn't want her around SIL. Well FIL, I am so glad that you aren't bringing SD into that, but at the same time, besides the drama with BM, this is why DH told FIL he will not be involved with anything to do with if FIL sees SD on BM's time.

If that isn't enough drama, SIL has drained FIL financially, sounds like not only is she living with FIL, but FIL is paying for her divorce, etc. Mind you, SIL is in her late 40's now. FIL was irresponsible with his money, who knows if it is with just SIL or what else, but he has $32 after his house payment due in 2 days to last for a week until he gets paid the following Friday. DH and I are considering sending him a little bit of money so he can afford to eat for the week. It is really tough because FIL did it to himself, but FIL also helped DH with his legal bills when going through the divorce and custody battle with BM and it would of taken a lot longer to of been done if it were not for FIL. DH and I agreed if we do it, it is not going to be a pattern. We both are worried that the money won't actually go to food for FIL, I am considering paying a grocery store nearby to deliver him food to the house instead. The issue with that is FIL lives in a really small town, so we might not be able to do that. We are also worried about DH's SIL or his slimy BIL finding out we sent money and next thing you know they are trying to hit us up for money.

Of course all of this would be happening while we are in the middle of escrow on buying our home. This is exactly why we keep FIL at arms length and don't associate with majority of DH's family because most of it is exactly like what is currently going on. We already were not sharing information with FIL we wouldn't want the world to know, but after knowing he is communicating with BM, we will be following that even more so.


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

lender to find out if we sent under $200 to someone via zelle or venmo if it would cause any issues with closing just in case. He advised us that it would be totally fine if it was to be a one time thing. DH is on the fence on having it delivered because there might be other things he needs. I like the delivery idea because we know it is not going to SIL or BIL, but DH views it as if FIL doesn't use it responsibly then it is on him and we won't be sending him money anytime soon anyway. 

ESMOD's picture

I see that she is pushing back on the make up days.. I am guessing she is claiming they are "not her fault".. and her days were wasted too and not really quality days since she was running back and forth to the airport.  and with the CO being mute on making up dates lost due to travel issues.. he may just be out of luck.. but like you mentioned in the other post.. definitely make your travel plans to match his time.. and she will have to deal with weekday transports herself too (though maybe not quite as much of a hassle.. still a hassle to some extent).

What I would suggest is the next time she comes to him asking for some favor or variation  he tells her that before he can agree to any modification, he wants her to sign an amendment to the CO outlining the makeup policy for missed days of his visitation.. and also insert some language about "if there is also a fall break that spans greater than 6 calendar days, the parent that is not getting Christmas that year will have custody during that fall break" and any other clarification you have been struggling with like he gets 21 days for summer.. he can elect to take them in two visits split at the begininning and end of her summer break with one being a minimum of 6 days and the other visit with the balance of the total summer break (with any makeup days added accrued in the past 18 months) to be notified by X date (write in that flex you need to schedule flights!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

not her fault and she has to think about it because we have Christmas break which to her is a "long" break which ends up only being 13 days compared to the 10 days of fall break, where one if not two of them SD is traveling so they aren't full days DH gets, so in reality it is more like 11 days. Thats when BM tried lying and saying it is only 3-5 days until DH sent the calendars proving it wasn't true,

I do agree, we want to get make up days and fall break language added to the CO. We would love if we could do it without having to involve the court, but DH isn't going to take 2 day losses a year that can add up to weeks without DH being able to get any of that time back.

So BM is actually the one who gets 21 days of summer, DH gets the rest so it is usually 7-8 weeks roughly. We cannot add missed days to Christmas or spring break or even fall break if we end up getting that because then SD would miss school time. So the language needs to be that make up days be added to the beginning of end of SD's visit with DH in the summertime, taking from the 21 day bank BM gets in the summer. 

But our two main things now that the CO is lacking that wasn't thought of by DH at the time of the agreement being made is about make up time and about fall break. DH should be entitled to fall break on the years he doesn't have Christmas and I don't think a judge would disagree with that.

CastleJJ's picture

If you are going to ask for summer make-up time to make up for missed flights, you need to be specific. BM should not be penalized for things outside of her control like cancellations due to weather, cancellations due to pilot shortages, etc. You should only be entitled to make up days IF BM fails to get SD on the flight due to her own poor planning (i.e. mixed up the dates, traveled too the airport too late, etc.) 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

those reasons and I guess the good news is that if the flight was canceled for those reasons we would be notified via Alaska Airlines about that. She can't just make that up and feed us lies to cover for her incompetence for when SD misses the flight. We wouldn't hold her for make up days for things ACTUALLY out of control, but when SD is missing it due to BM's mistakes, then yes.

CastleJJ's picture

If you are going to ask for summer make-up time to make up for missed flights, you need to be specific. BM should not be penalized for things outside of her control like cancellations due to weather, cancellations due to pilot shortages, etc. You should only be entitled to make up days IF BM fails to get SD on the flight due to her own poor planning (i.e. mixed up the dates, traveled too the airport too late, etc.) 

Rags's picture

Send him a Schwans food delivery or some other food delivery of ingredients that he cooks.  Never send money to people who have no clue how to manage money.

My ILs  could never manage money to save t here lives. Even if there was only one option and it was a good one, they would figure out how to not do that thing.  

Rather than give them money, we offered to buy a house in our names, have them direct deposit 100% of their inccome in an account that only my DW had access to, and we would pay the ourselves the house payment, then pay their utilities, and have food delivered.  Once the house was paid off we would retain title of the house until they had to move into assisted living then we would sell the house and use the proceeds of the sale plus their SSI income to pay for their assisted living costs.  

My entire IL clan would continually try to finagle money from each other. Not one ever asked us for money after we proposed the housing and food solution to my ILs.  We were sooooooooo mean. So, they ended up losing two farms to foreclosure, were destitute for multiple decades, and only when my DW (their CPA daughter) found an investment advisor who required basically the same thing we suggested, did they recover from their poor choices.  Now, my MIL has her entire pay check direct deposited into her managed investment account. The advisor pays her house payment, bills, etc... and gives her a very small discretionary spending allowance.  For some reason, that is fine... but when we suggested the same thing a couple of decades earlier.... we were sooooooo mean.

Never give money to these types of people. They will invariably do stupid shit with it rather than using it responsibly.