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When would you tell SD?

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

We are currently under contract for a house! Our close date is February 10, but we aren't moving out of our apartment until the last weekend in February, going to be doing painting, etc. plus we are away for a 5 day trip between closing and moving. We are not planning on sending the 30 day notice of moving in the mail to BM until the day we get the house keys for the new home. Would you also wait to tell SD about the new house until the letter is going in the mail? Techincally we should be sending the letter the end of this month since that would be 30 days until we move, but since SD won't be visiting us until the end of March, is it really a big deal?

In past moves, we sent the letter before the 30 days, but we also weren't purchasing a home then. BM notified us ahead she would be moving and what area, but SD primarily lives with her and it was an out of state move. Would be nice to keep some bit of privacy before we have to, but are also excited to tell SD. A bit worried there might be some drama from BM once she finds out. I don't know if there will be, but the home we are purchasing is larger and more expensive than BM's. However, the cost of living here is much higher than where she is and we work hard for what we have.


Ispofacto's picture

She's probably too lazy to look up when your closing was, and even if she did, that doesn't prove your move in date, I doubt she'd make the effort to do anything about it, and even if she tried, a judge wouldn't care about something this petty.

Do what you want.


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

was, more like looking for money from DH or something because of us buying a nice home. Was struggling with if it was better to just tell SD when we are sending the letter or if BM would start up drama in general because we are doing something that excites SD.

CajunMom's picture

Exciting times!! With that said, if you have reservations about the BM causing issues, I'd probably wait on telling SD until you are ready to send your letter and that can be when you want. As Ispofacto said, a closing does not dictate a move-in. My daughter did not move into her home until almost a month later as she was doing remodeling. But I would also not let BM dictate sharing news with your SD. I'll what YOU want.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Yeah that is true. Just don't want SD to get excited about our news and BM start drama just to make us annoyed. SD shares a room with her sister, they bought a 2 bed and 1 bathroom property, but the house we bought is a 4 bed and 2 bathroom. In our current apartment, SD's room is a multi-purpose space. My office is in the corner of it and when SD is not here is a guest room, but otherwise is SD's room. At the new house, it will be entirely SD's room and are excited for that for her. Just don't want dumb drama raining on our parade. Which is why we are putting off sending the letter to BM until the day we receive the keys.

CajunMom's picture

And especially when you should be celebrating a life event...buying a new home. And what a surprise for your SD! Her own room! I'd take a minute, make a list of pros and cons on telling SD early. If you determine you need to withhold the news, to not hurt your SD, you could always say we wanted it to be a complete surprise to you! 

I hate how our lives and all the special times are impacted by crazy BMs. 

Please do everything you can to keep yourself joyful and happy because this is a celebration of your life with DH. Your new home. Wishing you a peaceful move and time in these coming months!


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

tell SD news like this without having to weigh out the pros and cons of telling SD a few weeks before sending the letter to BM.

I could be overthinking it and there will be no extra drama, but when BM is high conflict, one never knows!

Thumper's picture

Follow your gut. 

If it tells you to wait until closing, wait.

If it tells you to call sd this weekend, call. THEN mail your notice out to bm afterwards. 

For real, do what you want.

Congrats on your new home.

*we never heard about bm moving until after the fact. Courts didnt care. She hopped from one school to the next, to the next and next. It just did not matter. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Well they are definitely biased for sure! She can't even prove when we actually move anyway so she will know the 30 days before SD is at the house for spring break

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Yeah definitely less chance of drama that way!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

She was here over summer, we talked about how DH and I are going to be looking for a home and made it all exciting about getting a yard etc. Sd totally understood and was excited about it.


DH and I discussed last night we will tell SD after getting the keys and mail the letter to BM the same day

Yesterdays's picture

I am going to go with the boring answer of wait until the letter is mailed out. I know it sucks to hold on to fun information due to bio mom but it's just easier and then you don't have to worry about anything. Once bio mom does know then have a big a$$ celebration and have some fun telling SD all about it. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Be able to give SD our news before we can. So we are planning on telling SD the next video call after we get the keys and also mail the letter then. After the phone call happens probably message BM on the app and let her know we are moving and the letter is on the way to her

justmakingthebest's picture


I would wait until closing as well. It is a bigger deal for BM to tell you about moving than you to tell her in advance. You moving has no affect on SD's place of actual residence, schools, doctors, etc. As long as BM knows prior to SD's visit, that is all that really matters. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Yes, exactly! It is just a 35 minute difference from where we have been living and again, BM doesn't ever even come for exchanges or anything that it matters ahead. This place actually puts us closer towards the airport we pick SD up from so that will be nice 

ndc's picture

I'd wait until closing. Lots of things can go wrong when you're buying a house, and you don't know for sure that you're moving there until the closing occurs. (We had a closing delayed and almost derailed completely by a natural disaster, for instance).  I wouldn't tell SD before closing, either.

Dogmom1321's picture

Yes, definitely wait until closing. 

When SD12 was younger, DH had a terrible habit of letting SD think she had an influence in decision making. We put in an offer on a house. Then we got a second chance to go see it again after the offer. DH had SD tag along the 2nd time. She complained how much she hated it, wish we got a different house, and was so upset that it didn't have a pool. Lol, total kill joy. Enjoy this exciting time by yourself until it actually impacts the SKs.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

I wouldnt tell until im required to tell by the court order. Steps are extensions of the custodial parent so just give them the same info that you would give the CP based on court ordered obligations