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Angry SS blows up Thanksgiving

Tina72's picture

I don't wanna do I have a 24 hour SD here in the house, but SS 26 came over to celebrate Thanksgiving with us yesterday.   Knowing that the day after Thanksgiving is the day I like to put up the tree was probably all he needed to try and ruin my good mood.   he proceeded to about how all the Christmas movies -  about how all the Christmas movies - Rudolph, the Grinch, a wonderful life - were all political statements about oppression.  He is definitely reading way too much into a lot of these movies just to try to discuss politics.  I don't mind a good political discussion, but this kid cannot be respectful. He quite literally thinks he knows everything and will tell you you are an idiot.  That is what he did to me last night even after I gave him a good amount of space to finish his rants.  He was ranting about how prostitutes and strippers love what they do and it empowers them.     I tried to explain to him that my experience as a lawyer has  allowed me to see that most of these women are suffering from being rape and/or molested as children.  I try to open his mind a little bit to the problem of human trafficking in this country.  I was just told I am stupid and all of my years on this earth have been a waste.  After being called vile and ignorant, I told him to get the hell out of my house.   BF backed me up on it, but I have a feeling that I will have to pay a price in my relationship because of it.  This kid will talk a good game about communism, yet come to his dad (who works hard for a living) for every little thing that he can't afford, including his pot. His paranoia and erratic behavior actually scared me last night.  I was genuinely afraid he was going to come back and hurt me.   As he was leaving the house, he just kept saying I am watching you. I'm watching you.   He is supposed to be with us for Christmas Eve.   What the heck is wrong with this kid? I have a feeling that BF and SS's Mom coddled him and allowed him to manipulate them.  I do think there is untreated mental illness there, but you can't do anything at 26 with a kid who claims that pot helps his depression.  Kid can't keep a job, hates everyone, is high all day, and has now focused his hatred on me.  SS says he wants to talk with BF along with SD (who lives with us).. Can't even imagine what the topic of conversation is going to be.  
 

 

Yesterdays's picture

I don't think it's right to have someone in your own home telling you that your years on earth have been a waste. That remark alone would be enough for me to tell my spouse I don't want this person around. He can go for dinner at a restaurant next time while you stay at home. No one needs or deserves to be disrespected in such a manner in their own home. 

CajunMom's picture

If someone came to my home for Thanksgiving and spoke to me or anyone in my home in such a vile way, that individual would NEVER step foot in my home again without some amends being made and changed behavior. And by the way, we may use the term "kid" but 26 is a damn adult. Your DH wants to see his disrespectful, threatening, leaning towards violence son, then let him see him away from your marital home.

I'd also let your DH know that if his ADULT son threatens you again, you will file a restraining order against the idiot. 

 

Survivingstephell's picture

I bet he was on drugs. I would rescind that invitation for him. He doesn't deserve it.  You're a lawyer? You should know better , how these types of people work.  Just because he is your SS does not mean he gets the privilege of acting rude and menacing and reaps and benefits that well behaving people get.  Time for consequences for him.  His father can see him away from the house.  I'd make that my new boundary.  

Tina72's picture

Not okay to call me on a personal situation and say I should know better because I am a lawyer.  

ndc's picture

Why would a lawyer know better than someone else how "these types of people" work? My parents are both corporate lawyers; they tend to deal with successful high achievers, not rude, menacing jerks. Your comment makes no sense to me. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

He's in the "Woke club" and has some mental health issues. I'd tell him he isn't welcome back into your home and your BF needs to sit down with him and ask him WTH all that was about and he needs to show you respect or stay away. He sounds unhinged.

Rags's picture

are embracing rather than actually engaging in reality.  It is easier for them to ascribe blame on the non woke than grasp that generally people and life are not all that bad and ... "Yes, SKippy, Bad shit does happen and some people have bad outcomes. Usually with no one but themselves are to blame for their outcome more often than not."

IMHO of course.

Dictionary

Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

woke

/wōk/

Learn to pronounce

verb

past of wake1.

adjective

INFORMAL•US

alert to injustice in society, especially racism.

"we need to stay angry, and stay woke"

Rags's picture

Woke is a pinnacle of idiocy.

Maxwell09's picture

Sounds similar to the rantings of my mentally unhealthy brother who was previously diagnoised with multiple personality disorders (as the doctors cant agree because he knows when/how to turn it off and on). The main one is schizophrenia. As a teen he was fine. It wasn't until he started smoking pot in his mid twenties when some disorders seem to crop up for his demographic. 

Regardless of his mentality,  people like him feed of the back and forth. The feel the "win" in any conversation that they can nit-pick a mispoken word or sentiment even if it has nothing to do with the actual conversation. If you have to encounter him again, which I would not recommend, ask him straight up "are you looking for an echo chamber for your own thoughts, or an opportunity to consider another opinion besides your own?". 

 

Tina72's picture

Must have been tough.  He was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder?  That is awful.  You have discribed exactly what this kid does.  His father even does it to some degree.  The nitpicking on one word to try and rattle me.  It turns a small disagreement about something random into a three hour long fight.  

Rags's picture

schizoprhenic.  He was Dx'd in his early to mid 20s.  He remained a wonderful person but would cycle into some notably odd brehaviors and fantasies.

He went to art school in Europe for about a year in when we were in our mid 20s.  He would send me letters in code with allusions to safe deposit boxes with $Millions in them, prints of artwork by various masters with interpretations of hidden meanings and messages they contained.  We have had a few visits over hte past 30 years. All pleasant.  We hug, talk for a bit, then he leaves for his own space.  He struggles to differentiate between actual conversations and the voices that he apparently hears.  He lives in a small apartment attached to his parents home.  His mom passed about a dozen years ago so he lives with his dad. He cares for the house, the grounds, and the pool.  

His "official" residence is in a neighboring state to where he actually lives, just over the State border. His parents keep a condo there so he remains a ward of that State and receives his meds, care, treatment, etc... there.  This keeps the financial demands on the family minimized and allows his dad to work with his State docs to have him commited for med stabilization when he goes through a periodic cycle of refusing his meds.

HIs dad was recently Dx'd with an ultimately fatal condition. He is in his late 70s. He is workign with his own Docs to maximize his life span so he can continue to protect and care for his eldest son for as long as possible.

Most of the parent's estate is going into a trust for the eldest son that will be adminsitered by a neutral 3rd party tasked with caring for the mentally ill son. Ultimately it will shift to the GKs as the youngest son is a dope head useless waste of skin. Oddly he is married to a graduate degreed teacher who for some reason spawned twice with him and remains married to him.

But... that is another story.

My friend has never been toxic in my interfaces with him. Not as young kids, not in HS, not since.

Your recommendation is elegant, simple, and brilliant.

 "are you looking for an echo chamber for your own thoughts, or an opportunity to consider another opinion besides your own?".

Clapping

 

 

 

shamds's picture

Affairs as a pot smoking can't keep a job /jobless person, i would have called him out on that hypocrisy and that he had no qualifications and life experiences that gave him the ability, qualifications  and perspective to make those statement

then again i don't sugarcoat things for people

Rags's picture

If not, get one.  NOW!\

Inform DH that this kid will not return to YOUR home.  Then file a RO/PO and enjoy your Christmass dickhead SKid free.

This dipshit was trying to out-brain a person with a Doctorate degree while comparatively he has no life experienc.  Just Wow.

Nea

Tina72's picture

You can't reason with a crazy person. What is very sad is that I do have a lot of empathy for people who have mental illnesses.  My mom was a practicing psychologist for 35 years.   This is all just very unacceptable.   

Rags's picture

My first cereer I owned and operated restaurants.  More clearly, I was a minority owner in the holding company that owned and operated restaurants. I ran the company for the group of 5 majority owners. I wrote the business plan that resulted in the creation of the company. When I sold to my partners that gave me enough to pay off my school loans from Engineering school.

I worked with some adult group homes and employed a number of special needs adults. They were great people, absolutely reliable employees, and pleasant to work with.   

One I became particularly close with. He was in his late 30s/early 40s and he and I would have tea/coffee in the mornings.  Invariably he would tell me that he was going to kill me. In a very cheery engaging voice.

I have significant empathy for people with special needs. I worked as a Jr. camp counselor for a couple of years in my mid teens.  A very good friend of the family was the director of Deaf education for the school district we lived in and in the summers was the director of the camp.   I have some great memories of working with special needs kids and adults.

Our dear friend who was the SN director was the one who guided my perspective on behaviors.  His repeat advice was that theough they were special needs, they had to be required to behave appropriately and it was the counselors job to set that expectation and enforce it.  

My employee never behaved inappropriately or agressively towards anyone. I believe his maturity level was that of a tween and his sense of humor and verbal interface found "Rags, I am going to kill you!" an engaging and funny thing.

One day his group home counselor came to work on one of my employee's work days to tell me my employee had experienced a stroke and would not be back to work.  I visited him occassionally for tea/coffee at his group home until my divorce was final and I left to go to engineering  school out of state.. Each time he informed me that he was going to kill me.

I am empathetic to special needs people. I am not empathetic to toxic. Wehter they toxic are special needs or not.

Flustered's picture

Ok! He's doing weed? Other drugs? You are a lawyer? He can cause you grief / my SD's BIL  was a danger for my husband and I as we were teachers -- and mandated reporters! For abuse, drugs, etc. (The guy as also a snitch for 2 local PDs. ) My BD is a social worker and is/ always was calling when she had PINS kids in family court. Are lawyers not mandated reporters? He harasses you, abuses you, you know what needs to get done. Keep that kid out of the house! OTOH, it may destroy relationship wit BF.He needs to get that " kid" help.

Tina72's picture

To be clear, he was a guest in my house, not storing drugs in my house. Of course, I would never jeopardized my career by allowing someone to store illegal drugs in  a place that I live.  His daughter lives here and smokes pot.   Unfortunately, that is legal.   Good news is that I think everyone laugh tonight because I stood up for myself.   I am not going to abide by anybody disrespecting me and making me feel unsafe.   

CLove's picture

Yes its great that you stood up for yourself. How did BF react? Is he standing by you too? I hope so. If it causes a strain on your relationship, well nows the time to find out who your BF really is.

Continue standing strong! I know its hard...but your mental health and happiness matter.

Tina72's picture

I told BF that I don't want him in my house until I recieved an apology.  He said that Hayden would never apologize to me.  BF kept hounding me on what I was going to do if he didn't apologize.  I said that I didn't know.  Eventually, he backed me into saying it is either his son or me.  BF stormed out of the bedroom and said that he wasn't going to abandon his son.  Unbenownst to me, he went downstairs and told SD to go sleep at her mother's.  Then BF left to go sleep at his brother's house.  He texted my Mom saying that he was worried about me and told her that he couldn't abandon his son.  Guess he heard that I was on the phone with my Mom.   Anyway - that was yesterday.  SD is still gone.  BF is putting Christmas lights up.  I have no idea why.  We haven't said anything to each other at all.  This is great, right?  I am sure the right answer is to leave.  This man has taken care of me when I really sick this past year.  He can be really loving most of the time.  When it comes to his kids, he acts like this.  These kids are never going to grow up.  He is never going to put me before them even on issues like this when I am right.  I don't expect that I will come before them in most things.  Just seems like what all parents say - kids always come first.  I don't have any.  Right now, I am grateful that I don't have any.  I don't know what to do.  I am not ready to move anywhere yet.  I have a lot of logistics that have to be dealt with including a blind and deaf dog.  Moving her somewhere, even temporarily would be a severe hardship on her.  Only thing I can think of is to endure this "Cold War" until I can get things in place to move.  I guess when he has his family over for Christmas Eve, I will just go to my Mom's with my dogs.  That seems like the best short term solution.  

Winterglow's picture

FFS, melodramatic much? Who TF said anything about abandoning his baybeeee? Nobody. You simply want an apology for being insulted in your own home. If he can't see that his precious owes you that at least, then he's as blind as a bat. Kids do NOT always come first and by the time they're 36 they should have grown a brain and a bit of empathy. 

Tell your BF to stop the histrionics, you're only asking for an apology, you don't expect him to slay his firstborn. Good grief. 

StepUltimate's picture

I 100% understand about caring for a deaf, visually impaired dog while relationship with partner is in terminal end stage. Had to say goodbye to my dog in January of this year; he was 16, 95% deaf, declining vision, with doggie dementia. One of the herding breeds.

I have no advice as my story may be different from yours. However, I feel compelled to share that staying for the dog's sake can have a SERIOUS price tag down the road in the divorce phase. I encourage you to take your dogs & leave asap but understand your concern for the dog. However, beyond that, PLEASE DO NOT MARRY MR. "MY SON OR ME" no matter HOW good he is at "love bombing" or make-up sex, and no matter how much he apologises/promises to change/etc.

I tell you this as it becomes verrrrry costly down the road in the divorce phase. I'd made a promise to the dog (=my ex's dog from before we got together) that I wouldn't abandon him, and was blessed to be able to give him a very comfortable final home life as the dog declined from fearless athlete to confused & anxious senior citizen. However satisfying that is, I cringed reading how your BF is treating you as he's acting EXACTLY how my ex treated me. Including telling me & my adult skids that I forced him to choose "his wife or his SON" while taking zero ownership of my SS's disresectful b.s. & slovenly full-time stoner lifestyle.

Winterglow's picture

You were wasting your time trying to open his mind - it's hermetically sealed. People like him don't realize that they are insufferable bores and boors; they all think they're fascinating conversationalists. Anyway, you did the right thing and I hope you stick to your guns about him not being allowed back into your home. 

Tina72's picture

I told BF that I don't want him in my house until I recieved an apology.  He said that Hayden would never apologize to me.  BF kept hounding me on what I was going to do if he didn't apologize.  I said that I didn't know.  Eventually, he backed me into saying it is either his son or me.  BF stormed out of the bedroom and said that he wasn't going to abandon his son.  Unbenownst to me, he went downstairs and told SD to go sleep at her mother's.  Then BF left to go sleep at his brother's house.  He texted my Mom saying that he was worried about me and told her that he couldn't abandon his son.  Guess he heard that I was on the phone with my Mom.   Anyway - that was yesterday.  SD is still gone.  BF is putting Christmas lights up.  I have no idea why.  We haven't said anything to each other at all.  This is great, right?  I am sure the right answer is to leave.  This man has taken care of me when I really sick this past year.  He can be really loving most of the time.  When it comes to his kids, he acts like this.  These kids are never going to grow up.  He is never going to put me before them even on issues like this when I am right.  I don't expect that I will come before them in most things.  Just seems like what all parents say - kids always come first.  I don't have any.  Right now, I am grateful that I don't have any.  I don't know what to do.  I am not ready to move anywhere yet.  I have a lot of logistics that have to be dealt with including a blind and deaf dog.  Moving her somewhere, even temporarily would be a severe hardship on her.  Only thing I can think of is to endure this "Cold War" until I can get things in place to move.  I guess when he has his family over for Christmas Eve, I will just go to my Mom's with my dogs.  That seems like the best short term solution.  

Rags's picture

Only for idiot parents destined for any number of failed life partnerships.

A parent't job is to raise their childen to move on to their own successful adult lives.

For this reason, kids cannot and should never take priority over the adult marriage/partnership at the heard of any faily. Blended or not.

Minor kids are always the top responsibility for the adults in the family. They should never trump the partners or their relationship as priority.

Anything else is the harbinger of a temporary adult relationship.

I had a major epiphany on what my parents had established for their marriage and how they raised their sons.  In college i worked as an associate test and production engineer for a small electronics contract manufacturing company.  One of my coworkers was an approaching retirement age woman who had been married for nearly 50 years to her DH/the father of her children. She was speaking to a few other of the electronics assemblers, all women, and said "My kids come first and if my husband ever thought othewise he would be out."

My parents had a far different model. Their sons had absolute clarity that mom, dad, and their marriage always took priority and if we ever made the mistake of trying to pit them against each other we would not like the message that followed. End of discussion.

They both were always dedicated to the responsibility of raising their son's to be viable adults.  Now they are as near the perfect prototypical GPs to their GKs.  Though no one and nothign takes priority over each other and their marriage. Not for the past 60 years of that marriage. Not ever.

Tina72's picture

It is funny because I agree with you that adult children shouldn't be the priority in a relationship.  I just have been told so many times that my opinions about parenting is "less than" because I don't have kids of my own.  BF has never said this.   It usually comes from other women.  So.....I guess I have started to believe it over time.  I certainly felt like I would be attacked in this forum for saying that I should come before his adult children.  In any event, thank you for your response.  It does help me to know that I am not crazy for wanting to be put first whether or not this relationship works out.  The idea that I will be a second class citizen my whole life to adult children isn't comforting.  

Cover1W's picture

My DH told me once that I'm not a parent so I would not understand. I told him that I'm a human being with feelings and a brain and that's enough to understand how I'm being treated. That shut him up about defending my OSD at the time.

If I were you no more discussion with him. His son is NOT a kid! I mean 36!!!! You have told him your expectations. If he ignores them and you have to leave your home for the holidays you do have some thinking to do. I'm also assuming your DH is resistant to therapy or counseling?

Rags's picture

Not everyone has had BKs. However, all of us have been children, grown up, and are living adult lives .... to varying degrees of success.  We have also experienced and witnessed the parenting of our own parents. Be that good or bad.  As well as the parenting of our GPs, aunts, uncles, sibs, etc.....  No one is spawned or raised in a total parental vacuum.

So, the "you are not a breeder and don't know anything about parenting or kids" is just self delutional bullshit.  And is likely the cry of the parental idiot who is making excuses for their failed parenting results.

IMHO of course.

Nea

reedle2021's picture

"So, the "you are not a breeder and don't know anything about parenting or kids" is just self delutional bullshit.  And is likely the cry of the parental idiot who is making excuses for their failed parenting results."

100% accurate.  My ex used to tell me that all the time:  "you aren't a parent, you don't understand and don't have any right to an opinion about my son."  Etc., etc. My ex didn't want my opinion about how to discipline/raise his son because he knew I was right and he didn't want to hurt his son's feelings or "make him mad." 

 

EveryoneLies's picture

I have a daughter of my own and I don't let her call the shot in the house. I never would do that at my parents' house so why would I allow any kid to do that in my home? I understand kids are important but so are their manners. None of us are "that special" excepts to our parents (hopefully lol). I make sure my daughter understands that and not acting like a twat.

Your BF needs a reality check. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

I don't know why your Dh is setting the scene as "it's either me or him" unless you actually did say that.  If one of my kids had behaved/carried on as horribly as this little crackhead did towards you, I WOULD tell them to apologize or don't come back to the house until you do.  It's not that hard.  It's weird that your BF is acting this way - again, I'm sure there's more to the story than we realize.  Good luck!

ESMOD's picture

Even my DH who is a bio parent told me that his kids would not always "come first".. minor children are a responsibility.  Adult children may be loved unconditionally.. but as adults.. they (without good cause)... are no longer the parent's responsibility.

Priority is something that can vary from day to day.. for each person's needs and wants... that you have a relationship with.. parent.. spouse.. child.. friend.. work.. etc...

He can correct his children's bad behavior and still love them and have a relationship with them.

You having boundaries for behavior and standards in YOUR home is not mutually exclusive to him having a relationshp with his adult child.  

Your boundary is that an adult does not treat you disrespectfully in your home.. and if it happens.. there is an apology before they are welcome.

That does not mean your BF cannot see his adult child outside of your home... That doesn't mean that they have to cut them off.. but they do have to respect your boundary as well.

BUT.... you say dad is a bit like son right?  in the full 360 view of your relationship.. woud you say it's good.. healthy.. uplifting.. enriching your life?  There are worse things than being alone.

And.. of course you can have an opinion on children even if you don't have them.  You WERE a child.. both minor and adult child of parents.. you have eyes and ears and basic sensibilities.. and know right from wrong.. 

I mean.. sure.. I get it.. the childless person can make great broad statements like.. "I will never allow my child to have a tantrum".. or "I would just explain why breaking mommy's priceless heirloom is wrong vs yelling at them".. or "I will only use cloth diapers and hand make all my own food". things that you may find in practice not as easy as they seem.  But that's not the same thing as setting clear boundaries and standards for respectful behavior.

Your SS almost sounded threatening.. and that is absolutely unacceptable.

StepUltimate's picture

This tactic is common, has a name: Karpman's Drama Triangle. Your BF just assigned you as the "Persecutor," his commie stoner son as the "Victim," and himself as the "Rescuer."

His hanging the lights is Impression Management (gotta look good for the neighbs) and allows him to add to the list of "all he does for you" so he can convince himself what a good, reasonable guy he is. 

Biggrin

Notthedoormat's picture

Almost always leads to disaster. My DH's elder adult child is an avowed communist and we are not. When oldest SK brings up the subject we have to say that we can't have those kinds of discussions because it will get heated. SK is also treated for mental illness and lives with BM out of state.  DH usually handles this and I don't have to say anything,  but you can bet I'm biting my tongue when SK says our military is a bunch of boot lickers....as a military mom,  I know my son would stomp a mud hole in SK quicker than SK could say Karl Marx.

You deserve to feel safe in your home.  Your BF has to decide if he is willing to continue to allow SS's behavior to ruin his relationships or put his foot down.  He's not being told he must abandon his son....he's being told his son needs to apologize...big difference there. Even if his SS is mentally ill he surely could manage a simple "I'm sorry, we should avoid political topics from now on".... But even if he did muster up an apology,  I'd let him know the boundary couldn't be crossed again.

I hope your BF gets some perspective on his son soon.

Miss T's picture

Leave this guy (you're a lawyer, you should know the basics of how to do this) or resign yourself to a long, hard slog. How hard? How long? Just read around here to get an idea.

Are you willing to live like this? Because your DH's distorted view that his prime directive is "caring for" his spawn is never going to change.

Rags's picture

Two very differ concepts.

Kidas are the top responsibility.

Spouse/mates/SOs are the top priority.

Parents who fail to recognize this are far more often than not destined for serial relationships.

IMHO.

reedle2021's picture

Your post made me angry for you.  I don't believe your BF's son has a mental illness - he is just a lazy, entitled little a$$hole.  The paranoia is likely from chronic pot use.  My ex SS was the same way:  lazy, pothead, refused to keep a job, acted like everyone owed him something, got upset if I looked at him the wrong way.  My ex husband tried to defend his son's behavior, "well he's depressed."  Nope.  He was just an a$$hole.  And you are correct:  BM and his father likely did coddle him (like my ex SS was also very coddled) so he thinks he knows everything and can do no wrong.  BF's son doesn't seem to understandin boundaries or tact.

You aren't married to this man.  I would seriously rethink this situation for several reasons.  First, your mental and physical health.  This kid sounds like he has a propensity for violence.  "I'm watching you," what an idiot drama queen.  But, still creepy and weird.  You are justified in being scared. Second, it doesn't sound like your BF is willing to put your relationship first.  I re-read your post about BF's daugher moving in.  Your BF has an established pattern of behavior here and it's not in your favor.  He did ask his son to leave but I wonder if he's going to turn things around and blame you at some point for his son being a pr*ck. 

As I have mentioned before, don't waste your valuable time with someone who will not value you and put your relationship first.  I doubt his daughter will ever move out and his son will likely never change how he treats you, which, by the way, I find utterly repulsive.  Your BF should have popped his son in the mouth for speaking that way to you in your home.  And now BF's son wants a meeting between his dad and sister?  You can bet that you will be the topic of conversation and the son will likely try to turn everyone against you. 

I would seriously reconsider this situation.  It doesn't seem to benefit you in any way. 

Take care of yourself, please, and keep us posted! 

**HUGS**