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GamingBuddy's picture

BM snuck behind SO’s back to get a meeting at school to get the youngest a 504 plan that he does not need.

She REFUSES to allow SO to have any addition school nights and she refuses to do her part as a parent. Both children have told us how much she DOESN’T do and with the youngest if you don’t monitor and supervise he won’t do homework / study at all.

This has been a constant issue for years. Back during Covid when they did online schooling he wouldn’t turn anything in because BM was leaving the kids with her elderly mom who could not / did not make him do school work. She expected a then 6 year old to be responsible enough to do school work on his own.

She has really embellished his ADHD which none of us argue maybe an issue but the bigger issue is that the kid knows if he ignores her or “cries” she won’t make him do his work. She never holds him accountable and doesn’t have requirements for him.

This isn’t just hearsay. We get one afternoon a school week and we now spend studying with him. This has only had to start this year because this is the first year he’s really had to put any effort in. Before then we’d complete any homework that came home but anyways. After just one hour of very basic studying he has started to raise his test grade by at least  20 points.

During this studying he has flat out told SO that he doesn’t want to do his work so he doesn’t at his mom. That it’s easy for him to get away with this because she’s never home. He goes to grandparents after school for a few hours and they don’t try to do it. It’s like everyone in BM’s home just expects / thinks someone else is or that it’s not needed.

But instead of stepping up and admitting that she’s not doing her job to do the bare minimum or allowing SO to do it she would rather get him labeled special needs. But I want to know what she expects the school to do different? She refuses to allow him in after school tutoring. His behavior issues are caused from lack of parenting. The school can’t do her job. They can't make him study when she doesn't.


ndc's picture

Does your husband have joint legal custody? If so, he should go to the school, show them the court order showing his joint custody, and inform them that he's to be notified of and included in every meeting regarding a 504 or IEP, and get copies of all the relevant paperwork. While he's there he should make sure that he's on every e-mail or other contact list that they have and that he has full access and his own password to any school or classroom portal. 

He can then read the 504 plan and see what accommodations or assistance SS will be getting and provide his input. BM sounds like an incredibly lazy parent. 


GamingBuddy's picture

Oh 100% yes he has joint and I just printed off a fresh copy of the order for him to take up Monday. Currently I'm waiting on him to come home from the doctor appointment that led to BM outing herself about the appointment. It took alot longer this time around so very interested in seeing what was discussed.

thinkthrice's picture

This is quite common.  The BM in my case, who presented herself as MOTY never required that any of the three skids do any homework, classwork nor even school attendance. 

We would always get these warning letters from the school on all of the above but the school never held her accountable.   In fact, the school administration flat out told my SO that his opinion would be automatically overruled by the BM since he was the NCP.

She too had all three labeled as "learning disabled --other" by doctor shopping until she found one that would give her a "diagnosis" and prescribe meds as a smokescreen for her crappy non-parenting.  All without Dad's consent despite  joint legal custody.  Then came the inevitable IEPs which did no good because, well no homework/classwork/studying/attendance required at the house with no rules (BM's).  To this day, she blames every thing on the divorce.  "Kids never had a chance because...muh divorce." 

Which is extremely insulting as I was a divorced single mom for two decades with no CS and yet my kids graduated top of their class and are all productive adults.

Here in NYS they pass kids anyway even if they can't read, write or do simple arithmetic.

All three skids are now grown (we are still paying CS for the last one as he has 13 months to go before age 21) and have menial, dead end jobs.   Yet the BM and her family are the greatest in their book.   They all have long since PASed out (thankfully for me; their behavior was atrocious) and we never see them. 

Good luck.   

Winterglow's picture

What reason does she give for denying him after-school tutoring? It seems crazy to me to seek special accommodations for a child when you are already denying him the help that is currently available. 

My worry is that she is maybe sowing the seeds for him to be considered disabled later in life so that she can reap the monetary benefits. This thought makes me EXTREMELY angry.

GamingBuddy's picture

I honestly don't think it's that because she's too short sighted and stupid to do that. Plus our state isn't one that is likely to do that. Our state doesn't even order child support into college. She will be cut off when the children graduate high school.

She is doing it because she doesn't want to be blamed and admit she is the issue. She lies constantly about her parenting with evidence laid right out infront of her. You tell her the grass is green and she will fight you. She gives no reason for denying tutoring other that "I will not be doing that." The only reason I have said he should do it is it would ensure he's doing his school work on her time. It's what my mom had to do for my sister. She would not do her homework at home so she did after-school tutoring just to make sure it go done.

thinkthrice's picture

From HS.  Especially if you live in a pass/fail state.  Some HCGUBMs purposely stunt educationally (and otherwise) their children so that CS continues for as long aa possible.   

Never underestimate the plotting capabilities of the HCGUBM.  Their victimhood knows no bounds and they are more than willing to sacrifice the child(ren) on the altar of their narcissism.

ntm's picture

Let it go. You can't care more than her. It's DH's job to be furious. Take a deep breath and remind yourself you're not responsible for how the kid turns out. Make sure SO is crystal clear that your house is not available as a failure to launch living pad. Other than that, just let it go and let DH handle any battles he cares to. 

GamingBuddy's picture

I can and will be upset for the children I love. The child isn't the issue and I will not throw him away or ignore him. Maybe its ok to you but it's not to me. He is not the problem and I am not nachoing the children that I'd happily adopt tomorrow if it were asked of me.

I can come here to express my frustration for my home. I can support my partner in his effort to fix these things.

I clearly stated that SO is an active parent who is dealing with this. It's him who contacts the school and deals with these meetings. It's him who will be there Monday. 

Not every stepparent is unhappy and miserable. Not every stepparent hates the children. 

Rags's picture

about frustration, lack of ability to insist on and ensure that kids are held accountable and effectivley parented, and minimizing the toxicity that far too often comes from a partner who either fails to aor can't minimize the infection that tends to come with failed family progeny and an toxic X.

You and DH are fignting the eternal uphill battle of the NCP half of the blended family equation.   It is okay to invoke some self pretection in the blended family adventure when for whatever reason a prior relationship breeder mate cannot minimize the burden and drama they bring from their pasts to the new blended family adult relationship.

Our experience in all of this is from the CP side.  My DW was awarded full physical and legal custody of SS-30 at birth.  She and met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  All I missed was the pregnancy, birth and first 15mos of diapers.  Other than that... I am and always have been dad.

Though I have no NCP experience, I see how NCPs get the shaft in this warped system and if they are cursed with having a poorly chosen failed coupling breeding partner who is toxic, manipulative and a POS that the NCP's ability to effectively protect their children from the toxic X and to parent is next to impossible. 

I hope team GamingBuddy is successful in the whole school and court thing.

Happy Thanksgiving.

ntm's picture

But in the end, you only drive yourself crazy. The child is six? You have soooo much time in front of you. Your influence on how this child turns out is going to be negligible, no matter how hard you try and how worked up you get. If the BM is the custodial parent and wants to be the fun house parent, the kid's fate is set in stone unless he's a self-starter with ambition, which does not sound like the case here. Just trying to save you 12 more years of throwing your life into a losing battle. It's not about loving the kid - it's about putting your energy into causes that aren't predestined. My DH often said I was the best parent his kids had. One is 28 and working in the bakery at Wegman's and the other is 24 and part-time at Burger King. Both have high IQs and zero ambition. Because BM said childhood was for fun - and that included high school. Younger one was allowed to decide if she felt like attending. You cannot care more than the biological parent. That is like Law #1 of step parenting. 

Mominit's picture

eventually you stop being furious.  You get to the point where your reaction to stuff like that is a sigh and the thought "yup, that sounds about right".  I too adore my SKs (grown now) and spent many hours fixing things that the other house dropped the ball on (or actively went down a path that DH and I strongly disagreed with).  Eventually you stop being furious.  And(for us) eventually the number of things that happened went down.  Eventually the school remembered day to day that DH has equal custody and they can't just take names off the emergency contact list, or have a school meeting with only one parent.  The doctor actually wrote in one child's file that it was recommended that DH attend all appointments (because they went smoother than when BM was there on her own  - she had a preference toward medicating that the Dr didn't share).  

Hopefully DH sets the school straight on Monday, they include him in all subsequent meetings, and who knows, they may even decide to remove the accomodation (based on the advice you have from the medical professionals that BM likely didn't mention), or to test run the accomodations and that in a few weeks or months they can be revisited.

Since you're talking 504 I'm going to assume you're in the USA.  Happy Thanksgiving.  Hopefully the rest of your holiday is peaceful!