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Will she ever move out?

Tina72's picture

I hope it is okay that I am in this group because my boyfriend and I aren't married.  

We have lived together for a while now.  A month ago - his daughter (24 years old) moved in because she broke up with her latest boyfriend whom she was living with.  I HAVE LOST ALL CONTROL OVER MY HOME AND ALL PRIVACY.  RELATIONSHIP WITH BF is taking a big toll.  UGH! 

Her mother called my BF and said that she needed to stay with us because it was an awful relationship that the SD is in and she was in danger.  Turns out - that wasn't true.  She was expected to pay rent there and didn't have a job.  Supposedly, she needs to stay here because EX WIFE was waiting on closing on a new house.  I told my BF that, of course, she could stay with us termporarily.  We have a small townhouse with only one living area and 2 1/2 baths.  SD is living in english basement, but has to use bathroom in hall right outside our bedroom.  This leaves little to no privacy.  Well - EX closed on house almost a month ago now and there is no movement.  BF doesn't want her to feel unwelcomed so he won't talk to her about when she will be moving out.  I am currently hiding in my bedroom most of the time because I am dealing with a lot of personal/health issues that I don't want to share with other people.  Also BF has been more argumentative with me since she has been here.  

I work from home, am dealing with a chronic illness, and have to clean up after everyone.  Usually, dishes are my job in our house.  SD  leaves hers in the sink, doesn't say thank you when I cook for everyone, doesn't help with anything here.  She doesn't work.  Isn't really interested in working unless it is her dream job.  Still gets gas money from BF.  Doesn't contribute in any way. 

When I broched this subject with my BF, he says that he thinks she will leave soon.  He thinks that the reason she doesn't want to move to her Mom's is that they don't get along anymore.  Her Mom has rules at her house.  Requires her room to be clean, to help with common household chores, and to have a job.  Dad doesn't require any of those things.  When I expressed my displeasure and disagreement with that situation, BF accuses me of not liking his children.  It has caused so much stress over the last month that I am just want to stay in my bedroom and avoid more stress.  

I can't ask any real questions about what is happening.  Do you think that is okay?  I know this probably seems like a small issue to many of you.  I have read a lot of threads here.  I just need some peace in my life again.  I have enough problems without a 24 year old kid who acts more like a 16 year old living here.    *BTW - BF says that she is immature and is convinced it is a mental health thing without any evidence of it.  It just seem likes she is getting a free ride in life and loves it.  

Tina72's picture

We are renting and everything is split 50/50.  

ndc's picture

I would give serious thought to moving out.  In the meantime,  BF should be paying 2/3 of all expenses. 

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I agree. BF should be paying 2/3 of rent, utilities, and food. Why should you support his 24 year old dependent? 

simifan's picture

^^^^

This. Wholeheartedly. You are making this too easy for him. SD had been a legal adult for 6 years - time to do the work. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Your story is very similar to mine:

- SD fights with mom so she "has" to live with Dad. Just curious... did SD and BM get along while child support was still being paid? In my case SD moved in exactly as the last check was sent out

- SD doesn't help out around the house (Mine never did either. Couldn't even put her dishes in the dishwasher. Attempting to give her chores was futile because she would purposely do such a half-a job and DH would defend her)

- No real plans for independence (Mine did have a job but again it was useless as DH never tried to make her save up for her own place. She blew all her money on clothes, makeup, and $300+ shoes. And even then she tried to - and succeeded- sabotage her job by being lazy so she wouldn't have to work.)

- DH tried the "she is immature" excuse. (Very true - she refused to even order for herself until she was 16? 17? ... but still, not my problem. Time for life to teach her to grow up then.)

- The whole living with us thing was conveniently caused by a "tragedy" where SD "needed to get out of there" (In my SD's case it was supposedly being raped by the young kid -yes young enough to where SD could have went to prison if they weren't near the same age. Surprisingly there was no trauma, a clear story or even a desire to avoid her rapist afterwards)

- SD's room stunk like cheap perfume and it was always a mess. She burned a hole in my carpet, tried to destroy my antique furniture, got makeup over everything, left her clothes and garbage everywhere. Filled up our one shower with so many beauty products the shelf was collapsing etc. 

I could go on and on...

My advice?

1. Do NOT marry this man. Don't even think about it until she is out and in a stable living situation AND you have it written in your DH's blood that she won't be back.
2. Start by stopping everything you do around the house. Don't clean up after her. Let the mess pile up. Let the dishes sit and rot. If they are good dishes, pack them away. I went out and bought paper plates, plastic silverware, and plastic cups. Don't cook for her but if you do, throw some chicken nuggets and frozen fries on a baking sheet with tinfoil. Or frozen pizza,  Microwaveable pre-made mashed potatoes, microwaveable pre-made macaroni and cheese, tv dinners, hot pockets, those nasty little frozen hamburgers etc. Do this every. damn. night. Don't let her cook for herself. She can't do dishes so she can't use the pots and pans. Buy PBandJ, single-serve microwaveable items for her to make herself. 
3. Take a good hard look at your life. Is your husband going to kick her out or will she be there for the next five years? Could you go on living like this? Perhaps it's time to have that hard discussion with your DH about the future. How long is it going to be like the 3 Musketeers? He's not going to like it but it will give you an idea of where he stands and what you need to do. 4. If the conversation doesn't go well, don't tip him off. Let him know what you will and will not accept. See if a plan can be made for her to move out. (She must have a job by x date and start paying rent. She must keep her area clean etc. She must move out by y date). If your BF digs in his heels and refuses to do anything well then you need to quietly get your ducks in a row and make your preparations to leave. 
 

My situation ended with a big blow up (caused by yet another snotty attitude from SD). I ended up walking out that night and I didn't come back for a long time. He sent her down to FL to live with her mom and even then I wasn't sure I should come back. My blood pressure was for the first time, through the roof from stress. If she ever moves back in, I move out. Never again.

Hope you can use some of this advice. Good luck!

 

shamds's picture

"You're right, I don't and its very difficult too when they're rude, lazy freeloaders making no attempts to be self independent" would have been my response. 
 

you need to stop hiding and force your bf to handle this with results.

caninelover's picture

Things between my DH and I improved dramatically when I finally just told him I don't like his kid.  I don't respect them and don't enjoy spending time with them.

Just rip that band aid off.

shamds's picture

Disservice to pansy arse pampered cod when you have the guilty disney daddy and inlaws playing thenpoor cod card. The skids manipulate that and think we can treat others like crap and too many refuse to grow a backbone and stand their ground.

in the real world, things aren't gonna be sugarcoated. The fact the bio parent(s) refuse to prepare their kids with the basics shouldn't mean we have to cop the brunt of things.

when my husbadn told me back in 2018/2019 that i always criticised skids and had nothing positive to say about them, i listed the basics of what they do and how they treat others (ie; disrespectful, answers back, shuns us, lack of respect for privacy and boundaries) also gave specific situation examples which hubby experienced himself then put it to him, "now tell me how on earth can anyone say anything positive when that is all i have repeatedly gotten from them?"

it forced him to address things because he knew i wouldn't budge and realised the bullshit pathetic excuses they gave or blaming others for why they behaved the way they did just didn't cut it.

if others wanna sugarcoat things and live in an imaginary fantasy land, go ahead. But i live in the real world.

caninelover's picture

'If you love me you'll love my kids'. 

Bullcrap.

I would like your kids if they were likable.  Disrespectful, entitled brats are not likeable.

shamds's picture

With their dad, bio mum called my elder sil claiming how happy she was i loved her kids like my own. I wanted to punch bio mum in the face and made it clear to my husband "lets get something straight!! I do not love your kids like my own and its selfish of exwife to demand/expect this when she herself abused, neglected and abandoned her own kids yet I'm supposed to love the disrespectful brats like my own? Nope not happening!! I am civil because i was raised with manners and that is more than your kids deserve from me. I didn't give birth to your kids, the amount of crap I tolerate from them is because i am married to you, love you and care about you"

it was hcgubm trying to make her kids more relevant and important than my own toddlers. Yeah i shut that shitshow down and my husband made it clear to sd's that they sabotaged their relationship with us and they need to accept that hubby will prioritise time with me and our toddlers as a priority bwcause they are older and needing to gain independence in the world.

Winterglow's picture

OK, here goes:

  • She must be given a date by which she has to find another living solution.
     
  • Your bf should be paying 2/3 of all bills while she is under your roof.
     
  • Her perceived "immaturity" is nothing of the sort, she's simply never had to function as a grown up so doesn't know how and your bf is perpetuating that. How long is your bf going to cripple her by not teaching her to be an adult with adult responsibilities?
     
  • It's time she learned that most of us take other jobs to pay our way while waiting for our "dream job" (what would that be, by the way?).
     
  • Her mother has obviously got the right idea - it's time your bf woke up and realized that he is doing his daughter no favour by letting her sit around and vegetate.
     
  • "You don't like my children"? "What's to like? She is sponging off of us, doing nothing around the house, not looking for a job, isn't trying to be pleasant, not even cleaning up after herself. I repeat - what's to like?"

I suggest that you stop doing anything for anyone other than yourself. If challenged, point out that nobody else seems to be taking up the slack and that you are nobody's skivvy (please tell me that you don't do her laundry?). Frankly, if he gets aggressive about this, pack and leave because nothing is going to get better. Don't waste your life on a pair of worthless wretches. Let him enjoy paying for 100% of the bills.

shamds's picture

Living there directly affect him, he's gonna turn a blind eye.

right now op is basically doing all housework, she needs to tell her bf to ensure xyz is done. Sd cleans her own dishes- i'm not her maid, sd cleans up after herself- i'm not her cleaner, sd does her laundry- i'm not her laundromat, sd needs to cover her own groceries or contribute towards 1/3 of utilities etc

now if this were a temporary thing few weeks or a month till she located a new rental, fair enough but she's enjoying not having to pay for anything and freeloading off of you which means you and your bf are in a financial deficit.

justmakingthebest's picture

Everyone on here already gave excellent advice. 

I just wanted to add that I have a special needs SS22, who has had to have a job since he graduated from high school. He has to pay rent. He has chores around the house. These are non-negotiables. 

He will likely never live on his own but we are trying to give him the most normal adult life we can. 

So if my Autistic SS can work, pay rent and do the dishes- your SD can too! I promise, giving her expectations will only help her and if your BF can't see that, it is time to break it off and move out or throw them out. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Hun it wont get better. Seems like BF is sliding over to team SD. Two against one. I know you thought your relationship was you and BF. It was, until SD came.

If you rent and both pay 50/50 then as others suggest have BF pitch in more since the damsel in distress SD cant.

If he wont can you afford to move out? Trust me this sitch is never good for your self esteem. Your relationship as you knew it is gonzo with SD there.

Seriously consider this   1. Is it good for me to hide in my room? Answer NO

Is it fair to me my BF gets rattled at me now? NO

Is it fair for him to say "You hate my DD?   NO

Hun life is too short to waste it on a threesome that you never wanted.

He THINKS she will move out soon. Wow he is psychic as well.

If you cannot have a discussion with him without him getting defensive then you know more is going on and you arent told. He wants you to shut up and pay half the bills, while you hide in your bedroom. NOT HEALTHY.

Blessings

TrueNorth77's picture

Everyone else said what I'm thinking and gave great advice. I would come at it with an "If SD continues living here, it will be under these conditions" approach, with a move-out date attached. If your BF doesn't agree, I would make your next move accordingly. But an adult living with you should be contributing to chores, especially something as basic as cleaning up after themselves- none of this "leaving dishes in the sink" for you to do. There should be ground rules that are frankly just common sense and respect. It should be a no-brainer for your BF to set those, rather than to expect you to clean up after her. This would be a hill to die on for me- I am not a maid. 

CLove's picture

I think that the stress of what you are enduring is probably making your health worse. Ive read many many stories on here that health issues "magically cleared" once the SP removed themselves entirely from the situation.

I would get the ducks in a row to move on from this. Your health and happiness are worth more than you know.

Rags's picture

no longer allowed to think.

None of what you shared above is Okay. Not one thing.

Tell him either she goes, or they both go.

No discussion. Just ... go..... now.

She immediately starts paying rent. If she refuses then turn her into your beck and call girl/chore bitch. She can clean everything.  Cook, wash, fold, scrub, dust, sanitize, etc, etc, etc.......

If she refuses, she has 30mins to pack and GTF out.  If BF makes the mistake of "thinking" he gets the same 30mins and can follow his failed family semi-adult spawn out the door and out of  your life.

Zero tolerance for failed idiot parents and their failed family spawn.  Particularly when neither one of them has demonstarated any capacity to think.

smh

Nea

reedle2021's picture

I feel your pain 100%.  And I hate to say it, but I doubt this situation will change.  This was an issue under the surface all along, your BF putting his daughter up on a pedastal.  It just wasn't obvious because she didn't live with you both. 

Your BF's parenting style sounds like my ex-husband's parenting style.  I left my recent situation several months ago.  While there were other factors that led to the demise of the marriage, one of the main ones was his adult son who refused to launch - and daddy wouldn't make him.  He was 21 at the time I left, almost 22.  My ex-husband coddled his son, everything in our lives revolved around his adult son.  They acted like a married couple.  There were no expectations, rules, consequences or anything negative for his son to deal with.  His son didn't work (his daddy didn't either).  When he finally got a job working 8-10 hours a week (at age 21, like right before I left), he bitched and moaned about that, called in sick all the time, showed up late - I don't know but my guess would be he probably no longer has that job.  Anyway, I couldn't say anything to my husband about his failure to launch POS son because he would get defensive and accuse me of "being mean" to his son and "you just don't like him." My ex husband would make do his adult son's laundry, insist I pay for his bills (cell phone mainly but other stuff too), he would cook his meals and bring his food to the table for him like he was a 3 year old.... I could go on and on - you should read my posts to see what your future looks like.  I'm not trying to be mean, but your situation has red flags all over.  Dads like my ex and your BF don't change usually.  Right before I left, my husband was irate that I gently suggested his son would be happier if he had a full time job and his own apartment (I suggested that because my husband was complaining and whining about how depressed his son was because "He doesn't have any money or a girlfriend" at age 20).  My husband hatefully said, "If my son wants to live with us the rest of his life, that's fine with me, as long as he's happy."  He then refused to speak to me for several days after that.  Also, I was always like a 5th wheel in the situation - always. 

If I were you, I would leave this situation.  And until you do, BF needs to be paying 2/3 of EVERYTHING.  Please don't fall into the trap I fell into:  sticking it out, paying for everything in hopes of being accepted, loved, respected, having a say.  I wasted 9 years of my time in that situation.  You can try to talk to your BF about the situation as other posters said and get an end-date to his daughter's stay with you all but from what I gleaned from your post, my guess will be the end date will come and go and she'll still be there - and your BF will have some bullsh&t excuses as to why she can't go yet.  There'll always be an excuse. 

Your BF sounds like a Disney daddy, possibly even codependent on his daughter and consequently will do anything for his adult daughter's love, even if it means sacrificing his own relationship (my ex was the EXACT same way).  My ex husband and I got along for a while before his son moved in.  After that, it was downhill quickly.

Please take care of yourself.  Do some deep thinking about the situation.  Put yourself first because BF and his daughter won't. 

reedle2021's picture

I also want to add is that I really like Almostgone834's post - she's spot on in her advice and my situation was similar to hers.  I almost forgot, the reason my ex SS moved in with us was that "he and his mom don't get along."  Later, my husb and his son both told me that the reason he and his mother fought was because his mother had rules:  no company of any kind when no adults are home, curfew, not having girlfriend over every night, no pot smoking, etc.  So basically, ex SS moved in with us so that he could do whatever he wanted - and Daddeeeee let him.  And reading Almostgone834's post reminded me:  my ex SS would also sabotage any decent job he had so when he quit/got fired, he looked like a victim (he did this several times, had a great job with a large retail company that offered benefits, tuition reimbursement but got fired for his attendance).  He whined to daddeeee about how they "changed his schedule after it was supposed to be final and so he didn't know when he was supposed to be at work," and how his manager and coworkers were "mean to him."  I could tell he was full of sh&t but daddeee was determined to protect his manchild from the mean mean world and was mad at the employer who fired his manchild.  After this firing, he worked a handful of jobs for no more than a few weeks at a time before he declared that he doesn't want to work retail because he "doesn't like to deal with people."  He was also never serious about his independence or moving out.  I'm incredibly happy to be OUT of that sh&tshow. 

Please take care of yourself.... Smile

CLove's picture

At what you went through and hope hope hope that doesnt happen with SD 16 SMPS.

Kaylee's picture

The short answer to your question is NO....

She won't move out. And even if by some miracle she did, that wouldn't be the end of it. She'd be back and forth, like a boomerang.

You've gotten some great advice from everyone, but pay particular attention to AlmostGone and especially Reedle's posts.

This will never end and it will be the end of your health and wellbeing.

I'd be the one moving out if I was you.

BobbyDazzler's picture

it's YOUR home (as well as your BFs home) ask all the darn questions you want!  If the 24 year old little girl doesn't like you questioning her, tell her she can move out and live with her mother.  Your BF should be backing you up, here.  Ask him how long he's willing to put up with the BS from his daughter and then let the daughter know she's got "X-amount of time" to find a job and pay some rent BEFORE moving out.  Make sure she gives you a date for moving out, too.  Your BF needs to grow a backbone and have a comin' to Jesus meeting with this young woman.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Are you buying a home together? If so, you may want to rethink that. SD is going to invite herself over and DH can't say no to her. Why pay a mortgage if you have no say over who lives in your house? 

 

Miss T's picture

There's nothing to work with here. Just go. If he sees you packing, he'll likely try to cajole you, make promises, possibly even threaten you. Anything to convince you to stay. Don't.

Make a new plan, Stan.

Tina72's picture

Thanks to getting who commented.  Definitely taking it all into consideration.  Sucks that this is all happening now. Holidays and life make it difficult for me to easily leave.  His son was over for thanksgiving and was very disrespectful over a politics issue.  Called me a piece of shit. I told him to get out of my house.  BF backed me up, but I don't think this is going to end well for us. SD left with SS to talk him down.  This is beyond bullshit.  These kids are awful.