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Am I just taking everything the wrong way

Crr18's picture

SS has another out of town game for travel baseball. SO and BM where supposed to take turns going out of town so it should be BMs turn but she can't because SD has a homecoming dance.   As you know SO does nothing with SD anymore but immerses himself in SS sports. And not that I will be here but we have a vacation planned In November. SO has a dog that he got 9 years ago before him and BM divorced. So part of the deal was she kept the dog when he had to go out of town for work and it is also his kids so it is their responsibility also ,ha. SD wanted nothing to do with the dog the last time we had to take SS out of town for a game. SO and I agreed that we would get a dog sitter. I have it all arranged. I said never again will we ask when it is for our vacations.He said when BM told him (yes of course they had to communicate yet again)that he would have to take SS again he said well then can you watch the dog for one night so me and him can leave a night earlier. She said who is taking care of the dog SD is going to be upset she isn't watching her. My arze it is always a point of contention . I simply said no we will leave on our scheduled day and the dog sitter I hired will watch her, done.  I literally said done, meaning no more discussion. But you now all know my SO He said but we could go a day sooner. I said no we discussed this and said no more watching the dog when it is for us. He said but why not since I am doing her out of town turn. I said well maybe you shouldn't be. Maybe you should be home for SD to see her go to homecoming.  I said my dad always helped me with dresses etc. it does not have to be a mother thing. He said I was snippy and he was just trying to make me happy by giving me another night in vacation. 

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Crr18's picture

I somehow feel like I am the toxic one. What if it is me who causes all the issues? Did I make more out of everything then I should have been?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Point blank, you aren't the toxic one who is imploding your relationship. You are, however, becoming toxic BECAUSE of how you feel about the relationship.

At best, you are incompatible with your SO. He wants to make his son the center of his universe. That's cool, it's just incompatible with most relationships. 

But given the other details you've shared, he is nowhere near ready for another relationship. He never mourned the loss of his first marriage and intact family. He never learned how to be a single parent. He never put boundaries up with his ex and kids. He never aligned his fantasy (cohesive family) with reality (broken family). What he wants is someone to slip in to the role he has created in his brain for a wife and he doesn't want any argument about what that role entails.

The longer you stay, the worse you'll become. The angrier you will get. The more toxic you'll be toward him and the situation. You need to cancel the November vacation and save that money to get the eff out. You need to stop caring about what he does with his son or if BM texts him. For all intents and purposes, you two are broken up. You're just physically stuck there until your move out date. Behave as though he is a roommate and STOP CARING about what happens in his life.

SS isn't your problem anymore. BM isn't your problem anymore. SO's problems beyond paying his portion of the bills aren't your problems anymore. 

What you haven't done is severed the emotional strings yet. You're still acting like you can make this better. You can't fix it because you didn't break it. The only way this gets "better" is if you just concede and play the role your SO wants you to play. Then you'll hate yourself (been there, done that).

ESMOD's picture

I think you are raw and sensitive to certain issues.. and rightfully so since your DH has been unable to set boundaries with his EX.

Yes.. some things you have probably taken the wrong way.. like them being in communication.. because they have minor kids involved in lots of activities.. probably means more contact.. and unless you are concerned about his fidelity? I never cared if my EX had to communicate with his EX.. but it does sound like they had more frequent contact than my DH and his EX did.   

And.. it actually makes sense for them to split their obligation with SD having a dance.. and SS having a game out of town.. neither child should have to miss their event.  

But the issue isn't the weekend thing.. it's the constant day to day breaking of his promise to stop being the overly available UBER for his EX... but it makes even things that in their own right aren't necessarily wrong.. feel like just another nail in the coffin.

It;s like LD said... it's the situation making you react toxicly... and the sooner you leave that situation.. the sooner you can heal.

stepmomnorth's picture

You are not the one who causes these issues. You just happen to be there for them. Most people would be quite annoyed by what you've been putting up with. I think mainly your partner and his inability to prioritize your relationship and time together, while making ungrateful kids the priority and not being able to put his foot down over and over with bio mom. It's the same thing, playing out over and over. He's not willing to listen to your point of view whatsoever despite your efforts to talk through things and explain your feelings. Nothing changes, hes still so enmeshed!! Being in a relationship with someone so enmeshed with their ex is a horrible feeling. He's not over that relationship yet, he still has major baggage. 

Has he said soemthing to you along those lines, that you are at fault? If so, I would say that it's gaslighting. Trying to take focus off his behavior. You are not at fault here. What you are wanting is a healthy and normal relationship but that really isn't possible with him still being joined at the hip with bio mom. 

 

Ispofacto's picture

I think if you felt important and cherished in your relationship, the issues wouldn't bother you.  Focusing on the issues seems to be a symptom of the relationship problems, and you're gaslighting yourself because you think the issues are objectively minor.  But really they are part of a pattern, big picture of DH not valuing you.