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BM keeps asking for money

frustratedbonusmom's picture

So DH pays child support, however, BM keeps asking for more money. 

BM does not work, only her DH does. So I personally feel that since she cannot keep a job it is not our responsibility to keep shelling out money so BM can sit and home and just buy SD things and then come asking for money for it.

We have no issue buying SD things, I personally have bought her things with my own money no problem, I have a good job and happy to do so and do it because I want to. (keep in mind DH and I are engaged not married).

As of this week BM has asked for money for school lunches which we both feel should be covered from child support. She wants the lunch money so that daughter can buy school lunches every day so BM does not have to make lunches.

Then she sends DH a screenshot showing him that she ordered SD books and he can venmo or cashapp her money for the books...umm first of all DH does not use venmo or cashapp, he is old school and just not comfortable with those apps.

Ummm if SD wanted some books we are happy to buy them, however we can order them and send them to her (we have already done this in the past). DH is the one who made this statedment after he saw the text. 

Also it is like SD is supposed to call DH every night, and does not. She calls him once maybe twice a week. He sends her texts every morning to say good morning and she responds 1 out of maybe 4 or 5 times. When he calls her she does not always respond and sometimes she will not answer and text her back saying I am busy at that is it. 

End of rant, I guess my point is that maybe if SD called DH and let him know she would like something we would get it for her.

But she barely gives him the time of day, oh and BM keeps saying she wants to come visit, he said she wants to come visit but she won't even call or text me 

Very sad. I have a daughter whose father passed away from cancer when she was 2, she would be very happy to have a father to call and text and can't and this one does. okay I think rant is over.

Can't wait to hear either the positive and of course some attacks on this post.


stepmomnorth's picture

Child support includes lunches and food. How does your DH react to her when she sends these ludicrous requests? Does he give in, or does he state the facts and decline? I hope that he is telling her no, no, no, to all of these requests. Venmo, geesh. Seems that she expects him to be the ATM machine at her whim, however thats not how child support and family law works. Does he have a court order, separation agreement in place that outlines how the support should be handled? If so, I'd use that as a guide to respond back with, when she starts requesting ridiculous things. 

frustratedbonusmom's picture

He has been ignoring her, I told him we can create an account and put some money on it and just let it be but he did not agree with that idea for the reason of paying child support. I just feel if he is paying extra it should not be through Venmo (my opinion) just pay ourselves save receipts to show we are showing support (for whatever it is besides lunches). Good idea I will check the court papers, like I said we are happy to help with certain things but asking for money through Venmo is not the way to go. Thank you for your appreciated feedback!

Winterglow's picture

What does the court order say about extras? What are extras defined as? What does she think child support is for?

frustratedbonusmom's picture

lol good question, what does she think it is for? Maybe the new vehicle she bought? HAHA, Will check to see what is defined as extra's ....

stepmomnorth's picture

Just an example, in my own court order the extra expenses that aren't included in the child support amount are defined very clearly in our agreement and include, child care /daycare expenses, insurance out of pocket premiums, orthodontic out of pocket amounts and extracurricular activities such as piano lessons that were agreed upon in advance.

So, the child support would cover the basic costs of caring for the child, and there may be at times those extra fees which would be outlined in the agreement. In other words she can't just pick and choose what she wants money to be sent for, it has to be for valid things. If she wants your partner to send half of an amount she spent on an expensive jacket for the child, the answer is no, because the child support cheque should cover clothing etc 

SteppedOut's picture

No. It is a full sentence.

Just because BM WANTS to be unemployed does not exclude her from supporting her child, in addition to her father. 

Child support is not intended to be FULL support, rather the non custodial parent's SHARE of support.

Your husband does not have to send BM any further funding (unless he WANTS to). IMHO, he should NOT as this could be used as an argument to INCREASE support. All of the things BM is asking for "additional" money are things that child support should cover. 

Sounds like it's time for bm to get off her lazy ass and get a job. If she and her husband have decided "it is best for their family for her to stay at home", then "they" need to figure out how bm's share of supporting her child will be paid. It definitely is not your husband's job to make up the deficit.

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Thank you, well that is the thing, he said not me, what is she trying to do and thinks she might take him back to court for more money.

Like I said happy to provide more, but like he said he barely gets to talk to daughter, she hardly calls or texts  and he'd like his daughter to call and say hey dad can you get me this? and he said he would be happy to (within reason of course). 

Right, get off your butt and get a job, apparently she has a hard time keeping jobs or gets them then quits.

stepmomnorth's picture

I think that she would be hard pressed to take him back to court for more money if he's paying the court ordered child support amount, it's usually pretty cut and dry, and based on incomes.

There is a big difference between bio mom asking you to send money for some item that should be included already in her support and you guys buying the kid some nice things... Go ahead and buy her  whatever she needs while she's at your house for sure!! 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would make sure your DH tells her that if she can't afford their daughter that she is welcome to come live with you guys. Child support is not a paycheck and she doesn't get to live off of it and not take care of SD's needs.

Things like books, or whatever else BM wants money for are things that should be spoken of in advance allow your FDH to say yes or no. Not just send me money. That isn't how this works at all. 

Like steppedout said- "No", is a complete sentence. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

He needs to draw a boundary with his ex. BOTH of them are responsible for supporting their child, and c.s. is HIS share. If BM can't/won't support the child, then he's happy to assume primary placement.

Shut that poo down. And should he actually end up with primary placement, make it clear that he MUST make BM pay c.s. or there will be hell to pay with you.

Lastly, be careful in your spending on your DH's child. If I could do it all over again, I would only spend a fraction of what I did the first time around. What I was actually doing was overfunctioning for the two people ACTUALLY responsible for their kid. That's money you won't have for retirement or your own family.

stepmomnorth's picture

Just to add...Just cause she's asking for more money doesn't mean she's gonna get it. Pay for only whats outlined in your agreement (the child support amount +  any extras from the agreement). Anything else warrants a response of no. If you send amounts for things not in the agreement she will 100 percent take advantage and want more... And when does it end when it gets to that point. It's much easier to stick to the agreement, and fair and avoids all of those pitfalls 

PetSpoiler's picture

What's she spending the child support money on anyway?  If her husband is ok with her staying home they need to figure out their budget with what they already have coming in. If not then she needs to get a job.  I know she doesn't want to,  who does, but she may have to if she isn't able to live within her budget.  I am suspicious that she's not spending it on the child in question and her husband isn't thrilled with supporting someone else's child.  

My husband had to pay child support for a few years until SS came to live with us.  Not long after that BM got her minivan repossessed. Coincidence?  Doubtful. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Child support is absolutely to pay for food when SD is with her. He is right to either ignore or every once in a while throw out the "Child support is for food at your house, I will not be double paying for it"...and because I cannot stand people who are lazy and leech, I would throw in "especially when you refuse to work". 

I mean, I want to pet kittens all day rather than work, but it doesn't pay the bills. So here I am, with a JOB. That's how it works BM. *unknw*

CastleJJ's picture

Heck NO. Child support does not mean that BM gets to sit on her butt and expect to live off of DH. If she wants money to enhance SD's life, she can go get a job and work for it. 

Our CO outlines that x amount of child support covers base support (i.e. food, housing, clothing, basic needs, etc.), x amount covers daycare and x amount covers medical. That's it. BM and DH both work and make similar incomes so that isn't an issue for us. Yet, BM used to email DH regularly asking DH for additional money for winter coats, field trip money, etc. DH told her "No, that it was covered under CS." She would sign SS up for tons of sports and camps that DH didn't agree with, then ask DH to pay half. DH declined, saying he would only pay if he agreed with the sports and since BM was using sports to deny parenting time, stating scheduling conflicts, he wouldn't pay. And he was under no obligation to pay it either. 

Our BM got angry with DH for repeatedly denying her requests for extras and accidentally let it slip that she was using CS payments to pay off her student loans so she needed extra money to actually care for SS. DH made sure to keep that documented. 

Don't send her additional money. Your BM can get off her butt and get a job. Let her take DH to court for more money. It will look real pathetic for her to be sitting doing nothing, expecting DH to fully pay for her lifestyle. 

stepmomnorth's picture

100 percent all is this. Everything  Don't send extra money. Don't venmo rando amounts! Do not set up some random account with money. Say no now to anything not covered, before she gets the wrong idea that it's ok

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Thank you, I like that you suggested "discuss"in advance. Right if she chose to buy the books that was her decision, not buy them and be like can you give me money after she made that decision. It is so easy to buy books or most things on amazon and have them shipped to his daughter.

stepmomnorth's picture

The whole idea is that there may be some type of items that you will split, like daycare, and absolutely yes, these are the type of items that are discussed and agreed upon in advance. For example, I am considering signing the kid up for girl scouts. This is the cost and we would split according to our agreement. If you consent, I'll sign them up. 

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Thank you, I like that you suggested "discuss"in advance. Right if she chose to buy the books that was her decision, not buy them and be like can you give me money after she made that decision. It is so easy to buy books or most things on amazon and have them shipped to his daughter.

stepmomnorth's picture

Something like "monthly Book Fair Scholastic books from the school"... These are the type of things like winter jackets. You can kind of alternate on buying but absolutely should not be sending receipts to the other party for payment of, if that makes sense. You buy some, she buys some, in the end it works out but don't have any requirement to send receipts to each other for

lieutenant_dad's picture

Giving BM more money won't solve the problem. Your DH is paying his obligation. If SD needs something beyond what CS covers, BM needs to talk to DH. If SD wants something, she can ask her dad. It really is that simple.

If DH is worried BM will take him back to court, he can look up the CS calculator online and determine how much he could be paying. If it's a small amount, BM may get laughed out of court. If it's a large amount, he needs to budget for it (and maybe consider requesting an adjustment himself just to keep things from escalating).

Regarding nightly phone calls - that's too much. She is communicating 1-2 times a week. That seems pretty reasonable. He may want it to be more, but with her age, more than that is going to be daunting for her. Not everyone likes phone calls, even kids with their parents. Unless she stops communicating altogether, I think what is happening now is fine.

shamds's picture

Making school lunch and wants to order in but clearly has spent cs on frivolous things. So maybe if she got a job, she would have more money on hand.

she's taking your fiance for a ride and he needs to put his foot down and state cs covers school lunch. Biomum can't just screw him over with luxury things when not in a financial position to do so if her own doing. 

thinkthrice's picture

The Girhippo! The Gir was a stay-in-bed mom when they split up. She told Chef that because of this, Chef owed his ENTIRE salary to her!!! And had him believing it at first!

Kona_California's picture

Waaaait a minute. Now that I think about it I feel dumb spelling this out, but child support is supposed to cover lunches and other purchases for the kid? Our BM is always demanding money for lunches and other things too and BF just lays down and takes it. It's coming down to the end for me and BF yet again and this is another thing to add to the list. 

Good for you for standing your ground.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You can look up the specific laws for your state/territory, but generally speaking, CS is meant to cover basic living expenses for kids. That would include food, shelter, clothing, and other basic supplies. School lunch falls under the "food" category so it should be covered.

Where it gets dicier is when it comes to "extras". Daycare is typically considered an extra. Extracurricular activities are an extra. Medical care outside health insurance premiums is an extra (since health insurance premiums are typically calculated into CS orders). Cell phones, car insurance, school supplies and fees - those are all in a weird gray area of "might be covered by CS" and "might not be covered by CS". College expenses are a whole other set of wacky, too.

That's why strong court orders need to be in place along with CS. The court order should outline each parent's respective contribution to items not covered by CS.

It's not always super cut and dry as to what is and isn't covered by CS.