Issues with being a single stepmom with difficult bio dad
Just a little background to get started. I have no bio children. Dating my bf for 7 years. He has two daughters ages 16 and 12. We recently moved two states away so the youngest could attend a prep school geared to her athletics. He currently lives in our home state and comes down on weekends until he gets laid off for the winter where he will find a new job here. Essentially I am a single step mom navigating life where I dont know anyone and have no outlet for myself. I work from home so I literally go nowhere for myself besides the grocery store as I have no free time. Their bio mom has always been in and out and oftentimes unreliable and uncaring in general.
For roughly 5 years of our relationship I have had no rights to discipline or decisions as I have been told repeatedly that I am not their mother just his gf. I get it..im not their mom..not looking to be. My relationship with him has always been rocky and has also become my relationship with them over the years. Now that I am down here by myself with them it is expected I make decisions that a responsible parent should make. No matter what I do or say I either get an attitude from them if they dont like it(their teens I get it most of the time) and from him because it wasnt right or good enough. They have grown up hearing and watching him berate me for many different things. I have to support him and be on his team but also make decisions without him...basically its a lose lose situation because my choices are never right and its just not in me to have his back on everything because hes just not right half the time and I dont agree.
So most of the time I check with him to make sure and he will get angry because I cant figure it out on my own and I make him be the bad guy when it comes to not letting his kids do something. The past two years he has tried to drill it into them to respect me and listen to me but why should they when he doesnt.. right?!
Example..the youngest is an elite wrestler. National champion multiple times. She wanted to sign up at school to be..well essentially a tour guide for new students. Literally the only thing shes interested in at the school. I told her to talk to her teachers and find out when she would be needed so it doesnt cut into practice. She then called her dad to talk to him about it but because I didnt immediately tell her it wasnt a smart idea and this club would not be worth it for anything then I made him the bad guy by having to shoot it down. So now hes mad at me because Im not smart enough to figure that out and he had to be the bad guy. Meanwhile it was ok for me to sign her up for an environmental club which could have possibly cut into practice times until she decided she no longer wanted to do it before it even started. See the issue?! Mixed signals which is why I refer to his input. But I cant say any of this.
So on top of his overaggressive verbal and mental abuse I also have to deal with angry kids who give me an attitude when I left behind my family, switched job all to raise kids by myself for months with no adult support in my area, that arent mine because thats how much I care to give them some semblance of a normal parent.
There is soooo much more I can go into but I feel like this is too long and possibly noone will read it. I am at a loss of what to do besides wait until hes down here to raise his own kids and pack up and leave. In all honesty...thats been my plan. I love these kids as if they are my own.. him..not so much. I wouldnt have done all this if I didnt love them. But I am a prisoner in my own home with no respect for anyone unless they are having a decent day to begin with. I cant voice my own opinion to him about basically anything because he immediately says im arguing with him. And if I keep doing it our relationship will be over. Honestly I dont think I would be sad about it at this point. Everything I have done and I literally mean everything has been for this family. I bought the rental house we were living in back home so we didnt have to move when they were selling. Its now rented out to another family. I out myself through two degrees while working full time and picking up their mothers slack to give them a better life. I left everything behind to come here for them. Yet I havent gotten really nothing in return.
I dont know how to get through to any of them. I try to be on everyones side depending on the situation but I faily at every turn.
If you made it this far I am sorry its so long but I truly appreciate you reading it and possibly offering tips or insight. I know I should just cut my losses and go..and I probably will in the near future but in the meantime I just need to get through this.