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She's here....long update

DarkStar's picture

It's done, she's here. First day of school was Monday. It went OK, she was nervous and acted out a bit, but the teachers and associates at her new school are terrific. Tuesday went much better, so I'm crossing my fingers that she's gonna be OK. She also knows another girl in her class, they used to attend the same school! The one BG7 just transferred from! We live in a fairly large urban area, so this is quite the coincidence. I'm really glad she has a friend to show her the ropes and hopefully meet other new friends.
We have temporary guardianship, nothing through the courts yet.  We had our convo with MIL/FIL on a Saturday, MIL texted us on Monday to get things started. MIL is doing OK, but is still physically weak and in no condition to take visitation at this time. MIL hasn't asked to see or even talk to BG7, it's so pathetic. I let DH deal with his parents, I'm simmering with resentment toward them right now.
I'm just taking it day by day for the moment, getting used to a new schedule, getting things in order.....thinking about a lifetime of this makes me cry. I know we are doing the right thing, it's just a hard thing to do. I want to do this, I'm sure of that and I know we made the right's just really hard and I didn't want to HAVE to want to do this, if that makes any sense. I have a LOT of resentment toward MIL/FIL for putting us in the situation to begin with. Putting their own selfish feelings and honking proclamations of "family first" instead of thinking about the reality and consequences of adopting a newborn when you are a senior citizen. 
DH and I have dropped close to $1000 on bedroom furniture/decor, car booster seats, new clothes/coats/shoes, MIL supposedly has more clothes and stuff for her but I have yet to see it! The stuff we do have is ratty and dirty so she needed almost everything from the start.

I guess I spoke too soon about having a good day at school. BG7 has a problem with self-control and harm/self-harm. This morning, she wouldn't turn the faucet off after brushing her teeth. Power struggle, pure and simple. Well, I can't just let the faucet run all day so I turned it off. BG turns it back on. I say "No" and turn it back off and leave my hand on the faucet. She tries scratching me. I say to stop and not do that to me. She then starts scratching herself and trying to step on her own feet. Today at school she was supposed to transition to another class and didn't want to stop the work she was doing so she stabbed the associate with a pencil, scratched herself, and kicked herself on the back of the legs.  Minor scratches, but STILL. Friggin awesome.  Day 3 and we have violence. I told DH last week that we have a future cutter on our hands. They have a GREAT children's mental health clinic here that we used with SS18. It had GREAT results. We'll see how the first couple of weeks of school go before going that route. VERY expensive!!!! Well, maybe it won't be....BG7 is on Medicaid now with MIL/FIL, maybe it would be cheaper than what was paid for SS18 on regular insurance.

Wednesdays are going to be MY day. DH's and my work schedules are: I am in office Tuesday-Thursday, home working Monday and Friday. DH works at the office Tuesday and Thursday, home working Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  His work days are filled with meetings so I take the lead on getting BG to/from school and getting dinner started every day EXCEPT Wednesday. DH was not on the same page as me this morning with what exactly HIS day entailed, but we're still scratching out our new schedule.
I was standing in her room this week while she was in school, frowning.  DH asks me what is wrong, and I said "her whole room is wrong!!! This was my zen office space/craft room after SD19 moved out and now it's all little girlified and looks like a scene from the movie Frozen!"  Change is hard.  Very hard.


ksmom14's picture

yes you're in a difficult situation no matter how easy or hard it all goes. I hope things settle down for all of you. 

Even if BG7 does settle down with the self harm, it probably would be a good idea to get her into som sort of counseling considering the major life change of living with new people, new school, new expectations. 

7 is hard too, my DD6 is about to be 7 and man do they want to be in charge of themselves without having the maturity to really understand what they should/shouldn't be doing. 

Sending you good vibes and hopes that good things come your way Smile

SteppedOut's picture

You are a good person and quite literally saving her life. Hopefully things calm down soon. I agree with previous poster - go ahead and get her in therapy. She is going to need it with all the turmoil. The life she was previously living was not normal.

Seriously, shame on them for adopting her when they were so old. I'm not even sure why the courts allow this - it rarely ends well. Not only is it quite probable the elderly "parents" will have a serious health problem or die well before the child is "of age", but they won't have nearly the energy needed to properly raise a child. 

DarkStar's picture

are the only things getting me through right now.  DH and I are struggling, of course, but we're struggling TOGETHER and unlike skids, BG is equally OUR responsibility so I totally get an equal say in her upbringing and it will NOT be how the skids were raised.  Don't get me wrong, I am turning to DH for a lot of questions and opinions on things, because he HAS "been there done that" especially raising SS18, diagnosed Hfasd.  But there are many many other things (like education) that I will absolutely be more involved in.

Rags's picture

good intentions. Though in the case of you and DH, hell may very well be this damaged little girl.

I truly hope that your new family dynamic can be good for all of you.

What you and DH are doing is truly angelic.  You will truly change this little girl's life.  She will change yours.

I wish you all the best in this journey.