You are here

Ex wife drama and husband who allows it

Butterflygirl26's picture

Hello it's my first time on here and I'm seeking advice. I am in a situation and I don't know what to do about it. My husband and I have been married for over two years. We were together for a year and a half before that. My husband has two step kids ages 18 and 15 from previous marriage. I have only met the oldest child two times and I have never met the youngest.

 

Backstory my husband was married to his ex-wife for 12 years and they have been divorced for eight years now. Ever sense. the ex-wife found out that we got married she has done nothing but caused trouble. She told him in the beginning he should've asked for her permission to get married. She was absolutely livid over our marriage. He at first my husband was upset with her and told her that our marriage was none of her business. And I thought that would be the end of it. And I was wrong.

The whole time we have been married she has been causing trouble and has been ordering him to divorce me. It was a text message from her saying he needed to find a lawyer and divorce me and show willingness to her and the kids. She told him he was selfish to get remarried. After that things in our marriage started to change. He became more distant he didn't respect my feelings and he treats me more like a mistress than a wife.

Recently he went on a trip to visit his kids. It was for the oldest graduation. At first he told me I could go and then he later told me I could not go and that was firm. The reason he gave I could not go was because the ex-wife was mad that he got married again. He also lied about the graduation he said that it was a virtual graduation and no parents would be able to attend. That was a lie. He also was not forthcoming with me About when he was leaving to go and when I asked him when are you coming back he said he didn't know. He said he had to help the oldest child move into the dorm room at the college. I called the college and they said that September is the move-in dates. This was back in June so he lied about that too. 
he was gone for two weeks and he called me one time during those two weeks he didn't even know if I was dead or alive even. He didn't even text me or call me to tell me that he made it there OK. But when he came home he texted his ex-wife and told her he made it home OK.

I honestly feel like he treats me like a mistress and he still thinks of her as his wife. He has called her baby since we've been married and when I asked him about it he got really defensive about it and said it was just a slip of the time. He also would harp on memories that they had when they were married a lot. He also has told me that she was very abusive and controlling when they were married. She threw things at him and even bit him one time when he was asleep for no reason. 

His friends have backed him up on that story and it is true. When I asked him about it recently he denied she ever abused him. He says she's also going to counseling and she's getting much better.

she uses those kids as weapons against him she has told them that their daddy does not love them anymore because he married me. So now he calls them every day and tells them that daddy loves them very much always remember that daddy loves you to the moon and back daddy can't live without you and I'm always thinking about you. He also tells them that he loves them more than anybody and anyone no one else comes close meaning me. 

I know his kids are his responsibility and they are to come first and I love he is a great dad to them. But she moved those kids to a different state before they were ever divorced. You're supposed to see those kids 83 days out of the year and he only gets to see them for two weeks because of her. He gives her a great amount in child support. And he pays for a lot of other things for the kids. He is involved in their lives as much as he can be. He cannot move to the state they live in because of his career. 

when he came back from that trip he took to see his kids I saw text messages from his ex-wife. It is obvious she is working hard to get him back. She keeps telling him to divorce me and that I don't take care of him. No I don't know where she gets that from unless he's told her some lie. Now the kids when they do come to visit they are not allowed to come to our house he can only take them to his parents house when he has them apparently they are not allowed around me because of her. She knows nothing about me. I just want to get the chance to get to know them. 

Apparently he told her he was going to buy a house in the next few months and she said she was very excited for that and that she was going to help him move provided that he divorced me. Also it was sad as she was going to buy his mothers house so she could be closer to him. This is something we never talked about. 

He lied to her and told her that he had been looking online for a divorce attorney.

when I saw all of her text messages were she's trying to get him back asking him to go on cruises with her I was livid and I gave him three options option one was he would call her up and put it into all this option two I call her and put it into it or option three we would get a divorce and yes I had divorce papers in hand. He chose option one. And she hung up on him. So I texted her and told her to move on with her life that she was bitter and jealous and if she would give me a chance she would like me. If it anytime she like to have an adult grown-up conversation with me we would do it

I found out last year that he told her that it was stupid to marry me. This was after I helped him pay off his truck and it was not a small amount of money either. He said he only did it to appease her. I asked him how he thought I felt about saying that and he said he didn't even think about my feelings just hers.

I don't even know what to do. I don't think I love him anymore and I think it will be better off if we got a divorce. He seems to think of her as his wife and not me I feel like a mistress. He has treated me so much different since she had to say anything about our marriage. He absolutely will not defend me when she speaks badly about me. But he will defend and protect her if I say anything negative about her. I feel like the situation will never get better I've even suggested marriage counseling and he brushed it off. He's more interested in his YouTube videos on his phone. I can't live like this I need help somebody please give me some good advice. This is becoming too much to take. I gave up my friends my family my job that paid very well in an apartment that was very inexpensive To move here with him. I have no friends here.

Again he went out of town to visit his parents it's been 2 days and I have not heard from him. He doesn't care about me. 

Butterflygirl26's picture

I wanted to add I am not even allowed to say hello to the children when he is on the phone with them. He just wants me to stay quiet and not say anything at all.

sorry about misspellings, it's late at night.  

caninelover's picture

I stopped reading when he told you could go, then later told you you could not go.

That would be divorce for me.  

As I said, didn't read the rest but from how it started I doubt my advice changes.  Good Luck.

SteppedOut's picture

Same. I started reading and got about as far as caninelover.... didn't need to go any further. 

Divorce this poor excuse of a "partner".

Kes's picture

You are dead right in your final comment - he indeed doesn't care about you.  He is enmeshed with his exW who is constantly jerking his chain and he is too weak to resist it.  I think you know that you have to get out of this marriage to this ninny, who is doing the dance of toxic triangulation with his exW, seemingly very willingly.  I'm sure you will be able (if you want) to get the support you need, both on this forum and from real life friends and/or relations, while you extricate yourself and get your life back. 

Winterglow's picture

If you stll have those divorce papers, go for it. This guy isn't worth the time you're wasting on him. He hasn't gotten over his first marriage yet and shouldn't be making anyone else (i.e. you) miserable. His ex is running his life. A normal man would have told her where to go the first time she said he should have asked her permission to get remarried! Hell's teeth, nobody even has to ask their parents for permission to get married, much less a woman they no longer had any ties to! And a normal man wouldn't let her interfere in his life. Nor would he tolerate being told his kids weren't allowed to be around you. None of any of this is her business ... but he's allowing her to make it her business.

Don't waste any more of your precious time and energy on this ignorant, ball-less oaf. Get out of there as fast as you can! 

Winterglow's picture

 I've just read your post over again and am appalled. He lies to you, disappears without bothering to contact you, tell you where his is, nor when he'll be home. He calls his ex "baby" (!!!!!). He harps on about his life with her (like his new wife would want to know! - Idiot that he is!). He is secretive and hides stuff from you all the time. Frankly, OP, your marriage is over. If he won't give you any information about his whereabouts, it's because he has something truly big to hide. I don't wish to be negative but ... please get yourself tested for STDs. 

Three of the four cornerstones of a good relationship are missing from yours, trust, communiction, and respect. Love is not enough to sustain a marriage and I suspect that you have very little of that left either.

Dump this loser. 

shamds's picture

Who do not treat their wife as a secret mistress and shun them.

they also don't allow exwife of kids to dictate their lives. There are times they are conflicted and feel guilty as suffering guilty daddy syndrome but they know its wrong to cave in.

my husbands exwife lied to the sd's, they knew it was lies mum made of their dad but they still chose to disappear and end contact with dad for 5.5 yrs, then they guilted him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me.

the exwife had eldest sd message my husband to put past behind them for the sake of their kids as both my husband and exwife had remarried and new families. 

my husband ignored and refused to respond to these messages eldest sd sent on behalf of bio mum because my husband is firm on its not sd's place to meddle in her parent issues and when divorce was finalised, it meant hubby no longer has any responsibility for his exwife beyond the court ordered cs.

she is used to inserting herself into everyones lives and can't accept the thought that people have moved on. My husband made it clear to his daughter he had no intentions of maintaining any relationship with bio mum and frankly any of her issues including marriage ones and claims her marriage is falling apart is not of his care or concern

you need to ask yourself are you happy and tolerable of being treated like a 2nd rate citizen? Because you aren't!!

a few on st have said minor kids needs are #1 responsibility of a parent but # 1 priority is the marriage. This means exwifes and minor kids wants do not take precedence over your #1 priority to protect and respect your marriage and your spouse/partner. 
it also means adult skids wants or needs don't supercede the priority of your marriage. 
 

we were separated by border closures for over 2 yrs my husband and i and when his eldest son graduated university, my husband told him he wouldn't take the day off for his graduation as he had booked annual leave to spend time with me and our 2 minor kids together which was of utmost priority and responsibility of my husband. If skids especially sd's who go no contact unless they want something like daddys atm, they don't get priority over us.

my husband also made it clear his kids (daughters especially) didn't get to answer back to me or dictate what i did or what the rules are regarding our minor kids. That was my sole decision to make as primary carer of them.

there was a point in mid 2018 where eldest sd23 told my husband that their mum would only allow him to see them if i went. Why? Because she wanted to control me like a yoyo. We had a 1 & 2.5 yr old and driving to another state to meet them to hear them rant about bio mum and stepdad just was a bloody waste of time.

eventually i said no after the 3rd outing and told hubby he needed to grow a pair and set this bit*h straight. She was trying to control what happened in our household and family unit, she even went as far as to have eldest daughter tell my husband and ss to come over to her affair hubbys home (yeah the guy she was hooking up prior to my husband and her separating) and me and our 2 toddlers were expected fo remain home.

my husband read that message and felt uneasy about it. Nothing about that seemed reasonable or ok and he refused. He ignored that message and told his daughter he would meet her at a restaurant until she had no choice but to give in. Exwife knew she couldn't lie to sd's and make up crap about me, because it wouldn't make sense

your husband leaves you for weeks on end with no message no contacts. Even when my husband was outstation for work in another state for a few days or overnight, we videocalled, we talked etc. yours just ignores you completely.

When he comes back, he expects you to pretend what just happened totally didn't 

CajunMom's picture

reading midway. The lying about the graduation??? Letting an ex control his life, and in reality, yours, too??? 

Nah...I'd find those divorce papers and make them all "one big f'd up family again."

And I'd get EVERYTHING DUE ME from those two years of marriage. Your DH is a liar and an asshole. He deserves his ex. Run like hell from this enmeshed shit hole and save your life. Two years in and it's this bad??? OMG.

Butterflygirl26's picture

They both have money. She's a nurse. My husband is a cop. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You had the divorce papers in hand. Time to grab them again, this time signed by you, and put them in his hands with a pen to sign.

This isn't a her problem. I mean, yes, she is a problem, but she isn't the one who made vows to you. He did. He is the one who is responsible for your marriage, and he isn't being. He would rather tell her that he was stupid for marrying you and looking into divorce lawyers. He's either lying to her or to you, but either way he lies.

Toss this one back. If she wants him, let her have him. The truth is that she doesn't want him; she just doesn't want anyone else to have him. And he's either being abused and can't see it or is stupid enough to believe her. Either way, you don't and shouldn't tolerate it.

Divorce sucks but you'll survive. I did, and I'm much happier now than I ever was married to my XH.

Crr18's picture

You probably want to consider ending this relationship. He doesn't sound like a decent man. I am in the process of leaving my SO and the text to his ex are kid and kid related only but it is everyday. He also runs his SS an insane amount for sports and I am much to old to be involved in childrens sports this way. He had started to lie to me about his exes text to him because he hates it hurting my feelings. I told him I won't except lies and you just need to put an end to all the communication so that it doesn't hurt my feelings. So he is telling me again about the texts. But none of it will help at this point. I don't know how you do it when he is actually putting you down to his ex. I feel for you. I am nervous about leaving but I feel things will be better for me in the long run.

CLove's picture

Im so sorry. I rarely say "leave". It seems that youve tried everything possible - communicated your boundaries, offered counseling. He isnt giving you ANYTHING to work with. Youve detailed a very long lengthy list of what I call "deal breakers". I dont see any reason to stay, because nothing will change for you if you stay.

BUT I do have some advice:

If you choose divorce:

1. Get thee to a lawyer, do not wait, do discuss options. Get the best you can afford. Even if you do NOT choose divorce, get to a lawyer to protect yourself.

2. Get started building your team. Friends, relations, community.

3. Get copies of all important documents - property, assets, bank accounts, phone/internet etc. 

Just understand, from what youve written, he is cheating on you.

If you do not choose divorce:

1. Get yourself to a lawyer to learn what you need as far as options and protection.

2. Get yourself to a therapist to help you build confidence - you should not be putting up with this.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Everything Clove said. While it might be tempting to literally hand him divorce papers - you will be much better off if you consult an attorney first and find out exactly where you stand. Don't tell him, just go do it.

 

Rags's picture

and barks like a dog. It's a dog.

TIme to cut  your losses, find a quality man who puts you and his relationship with you as his priority and leave this failed father, failed partner, failed man, failed adult, and his F-buddy XW and their shallow and polluted gene pool behind.

You know exactly what you need to do. So do it.

Enjoy your new life.

Take care of you.

Kona_California's picture

I've always loved your takes, Rags! The shallow, polluted gene pool comment made me laugh.

Olivia2020's picture

and I would secure assets equivalent to the payoff of his vehicle, but that's me. 

Go no contact with this fool. 

He's showing you who he is...a jerk that is hooking up with his ex-wife, breaking vows, lying fool. The fool I was with was buddy buddy with his ex even though she was married to her affair partner. So glad those days are behind me. 

Find a great therapist and get your happy back girl! 

We're here for you...

Kona_California's picture

I love this site and glad you found it. It's hard to find people to talk to about these things since our situations are usually too taboo to sympathize with. 

Obviously I think you should divorce him without another conversation. You gave him plenty of opportunities to make it better and were clear about your needs. I understand feeling torn even though all of this feels like it should be obvious. This is because emotions function completely seperately from logic. So try not to beat yourself up over that. With that said, it's time you evaluate whether he is fulfilling his end of his marriage. 

I would ask yourself what do you require in a marriage, and how is he meeting those needs? I assume most people expect:

  • Loyalty
  • Honesty
  • Trust
  • Prioritization
  • Support 
  • Companionship
  • Affection

To me it sounds like he failed every point above. You deserve someone who will come to the table with the same dedication you have. Whether he thinks of her as his wife, whether he loves you, doesn't matter right now. Write down his actions in a journal every day. Add an emoji to your calendar days to note how you felt in the marriage that day. You can look back at how you've been feeling over time and this will help you see how long you have been mistreated. Just looking at his actions and how he treats you is honestly deplorable. Not contacting you for days or weeks would be a deal-breaker, among many of these other actions. You both signed up to look out for one another and him disappearing on you means he broke that promise. 

If it were me I would pack my crap and be moved out so he comes home to an empty home. Then have a good-looking guy serve the papers *ROFL*

DPW's picture

Jesus, this is ridiculous. Your partner is horrible and you need to move on pronto. Use the wise words above and make a plan. Tell no one unless you trust them 100%. Activate plan and be free and live!

I just saw your name and hope you are not 26. Know that this is not what life is about. You deserve more and can take a lot of time figuring it out. Be single for a while and find yourself again. Go no contact and show the world you will surpass this and succeed!

Keep posting. 

Butterflygirl26's picture

I really appreciate you all very much. After reading  the comments I felt divorce is the answer. I spoke to my husband's best friend about my plan and what had happened. I trust him the best friend since they have been friends for many years and he is a nice guy. The BF was shocked by what I told him. He did tell me a lot of things. First he let me know my husband truly loves me. He said he brags on me a lot . I am a good cook, smart,beautiful  sweet, and the best wife. He said my husband is very much in love with me and that he would never divorce me. He also said my husband would never go back to the ex wife, he would never sleep with her or ever want to be a family with her again. He had nothing good to say about the ex. She was a controlling manipulative and abusive woman who treated him like crap every day and he divorced her because of it and would never want that life back. He said that my husband said our marriage was nothing like the first one because I am so much different from her. Our marriage has been fun and I don't yell at him or abuse him. 
 

About the graduation lies. The best friend said he also wanted to go and so did my in laws. My husband told them the same story. The BF said that really all my husband wanted was to spend those 2 weeks alone with the kids as it most likely would be the only time he would get to see them and yes he should have just said that. My husband also  told him prior to him leaving he was extremely worried about our marriage as it was  important to him and he didn't want to loose me. He said he had to see the kids. He said I didn't trust him. It's no excuse and he should have been truthful about wanting to see the kids and if he wanted to spend time alone with them that's all he could have said. 
 

The not calling me while he was away for 2 weeks best friend was angry about that. He said he should have been calling to check on me. He said my husband definitely did the wrong thing here . 

The BF told me some other things about the situation with the ex wife.  The ex moved the kids hundreds of miles away out of spite to punish him for divorcing her. She spent those years poisoning their minds against their dad. Dad doesn't love me or you kids that's why he divorced me. He said she is very manipulative and for the longest the kids hated him. He had been repairing his relationship with them when I came along.  After marrying me she went back to work poisoning their minds . He was very hurt before and didn't want her to do any further damage to the relationship with the kids so he tries to appease the ex to stop it. The Bf said that he didn't think he would go as far as saying it was stupid to marry me unless it was to truly stop the mind poisoning. BF was shocked over this and how he keeps on with it and he said my husband is going to have to stand up to her no matter what to end the mind poisoning and to save our marriage. 
Best friend also said I should not divorce him. He wants to talk to my husband about everything that I told him and wrote about here.  He said he can help us and make my husband see that he is going to loose me if he doesn't end this as he is the one who can get through to him. 
 

I did have a conversation with my husband about divorce and he said no. He doesn't want to divorce. He did apologize for everything and said that he was wrong to treat me like that. He said the ex has really been working on the youngest child to turn her against him. The youngest never answers his calls or texts and she rarely calls him back and when she does she never says I love you back.  He told me he loves me and wants our marriage to work.  I showed him a picture of his ex wife and said me or her. He got angry and said he couldn't stand to see her. He resents her for taking his kids away.  
 

so I told him not only did she take away his kids and he missed watching them grow up, she was going to cause him to have a failed marriage to me because he didn't have the balls to stand up to her and put an end to all of this deception that he allows and it will be his fault as well.  I told him the trust was broken and it could never be gotten back. He disagreed and said he could get it back. I told him no we couldn't because he lied when all he had to do was tell the truth and stop all this bs with this ex wife. 
 

He should have nipped it in the bud when it started. Instead I had to tell her to back off and hopefully put her in her place that was something he should have already did. 
 

he was very emotional about our talk. Now I am waiting on the best friend to talk to him. 
 

He has been acting much better since I said I wanted a divorce. He said I can talk to the kids and he doesn't care about what the ex has to say. He said he wants me to visit the oldest one in college sometime in the next few months. We will see if that happens. 
 

 

divorce is still on the table just waiting to see if the best friend can make him understand what he has done. 

and the best friend said he has talked to the kids about me before and they said they had no problem with their dad getting married again and they  just want dad to be happy.  They also said they have no bad feelings for me. Ex wife claimed the kids are the ones who wanted him to get a divorce as they weren't comfortable around me.. They don't even know me. That is her words not the kids. 
 

I also talked to 2 friends back home. 
Friend 1 said don't divorce just yet, wait to see if he makes good on wanting to make the marriage work.

Friend 2 said hold off for now. Wait until he buys the house and if he'does anything else stupid divorce him then and take the house. 
 

 

 

I really appreciate all the support you all are giving me! Thank you! 

 

Butterflygirl26's picture

My ex husband was just like this ex wife. Controlling abusive and manipulating.. he did manage to sabatoge a relationship I was in after my divorce. He manipulated me. Years later the guy and I got back together and it was never the same. He said he could never trust me again. My ex husband then tried to manipulate the kids with that same crap my husband's ex wife is doing and it almost worked. Except for I finally grew a set and absolutely put my ex in his place. I was not going to loose that relationship again with his lies and manipulative ways or have my kids minds poisonedMy ex husband has never ever bothered me since then or tried to manipulate my kids. Sadly that relationship ended after 3 years. My kids were never angry with me for standing up to their dad.  They finally saw him for what he was. 

Rags's picture

boundaries in your marriage.  I hope your DH can keep his head out of his own ass.

How much time are you going to put at risk in the remote chance DH can and will do what he says he will do?

I never had the save it experience with my XW when she played the D card.  She did want to be lovers while we were divorcing and had plans for that to continue following the divorce.  Once she played the Divorce card, I was done and her grand designs on us being lovers had zero chance of ever happening.

Take care of you.

Good luck.