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This is re: you, not him/them/her

AgedOut's picture

As we head out of Summer and slide closer to Fall, how are you doing?

Not your DH/SO/DW. Not your bios. Not your Skiddos. Not the BM/BD/ETC. 


YOU. How are you?

Are you okay? need some cheering up or cheering on? Need a shoulder, a hand, a friend? Feeling okay?


How are YOU??? 

because you do matter. 

classyNJ's picture

Thank you for asking Smile

I am stressed out over work and home life.  I am currently looking for an apartment to rent part time since SS20 has not done a damn thing that he promised when he moved in here 7 months ago.  I feel horrible for putting DH in a place where feels he has to decide its me or SS20.  He will choose me but I don't want him to feel any of the resentment that I feel right now towards him and SS20 so I am removing myself from the situation.  I can't remember being sadder.  Every bone and nerve in my body ache with it.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Been there with having SS at 20 come home - it's A LOT. Yeah...removing yourself will actually be incredibly peaceful. I wish I had done that- I stayed in the house and it was tense, stressful, and not worth it. Take care of yourself !

AgedOut's picture

You have to look out for yourself and if your husband isn't enforcing the rules/expectations you both set then a move (even if temporary) will help with your own mental health. Nothing wrong with that. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Totally. We have a no kids allowed back rule now but if that was not enforced (they bounced back and forth a couple times) I would do exactly what ClassyNJ is doing - go get your own place ! 

Rags's picture

I'm good, at least in my personal life.  Work wise, it is day to day regarding which version of my organizational #2 shows up.  He is on vacation next week so I should be able to drive things far more calmly than when he is cycling.

Some days I would be done if not for our continuing financial recovery from the two year COVID intermittent consulting employment gap I experienced.

Rags's picture

The worst part, this guy works for me.  He is on the spectrum and I strongly suspect he is bipolar.

He wears me out.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I have been in your shoes with exhausting people - I totally get *it.* I had one guy who would call me at ALL hours and if he seemed like he was going through one of his emotional cycles, I would get anxiety-ridden. I remeber telling him one time, "Please do not call me during dinner hours when I am feeding my family." I got to the point where I finally said I am going to halt this contract unless you give me a different direct company contact - they did. But I did NOT renew their contract and cut ties after the contract time was complete. It's got to be THAT bad when you tell a client of many many years that you no longer want any involvement. Hang in there- it's a bit of a shadow lurking even when you're off the clock or they are away. 

AgedOut's picture

It sucks to have to be on guard all the time. It wears you down. I'm glad you're getting a short repreive. 

JRI's picture

We had a car hiccup and the car is still in the shop.  Thankfully, DD has lent her 2nd car.  I have a feeling a newer car is in our future.  I've been to the bank to discuss financing and we went to the large dealership where one of YSS's buds from back in the day sells.  I hate all the bureaucracy around car purchases but that's the way it is.

DH started a new drug regimen for his prostate cancer.  $8,000 a month but thankfully we qualified for aid so the cost is zero.  They warned us about numerous side effects but so far, all we've seen is tiredness.  So, we feel lucky, in the world of cancer drug side effects, we choose this one.

Life is good 

Rags's picture

My dad was Dx's with prostate cancer in Dec 2019.  He had his prostate removed in Feb of 2020.  As it turned out, on my birthday.  He is on two years cancer free.

My HS BFF was also Dx'd with prostate cancer earlier this year. He went with the chemo/treatment option rather than removal. His outcome seems to be as positive as my dad's.

Your DH will have similar outcome. I am confident for you both.

JRI's picture

Honestly, Rags, I think it's an epidemic among older (50+) men.  We know so, so many people with it.  From my limited medical knowledge, it seems there are various types, DH85 luckily has a very slow growing type. 

He was seeing a urologust for about 10 years due to rising PSA.   He was finally diagnosed in 2012 after numerous tests, it took a very sensitive test to finally find it. Then he went thru radiation therapy, 5 days a week for months. That knocked the PSA back for a few years but when it began to rise more rapidly, they transferred him to an oncologist who began quarterly shots.  

The shots knocked it back to zero until about 6 months ago when it began to rise again.  Tests showed it had spread to another spot in his prostate so they put him on this drug, in addition to the shots.

The weird thing is he has never experienced one symptom that a normal person wouldn't put down to aging.  I guess that's why it's so important for older men to get their PSA checked.  We have 2 friends who died from it this year.

He has a Chinese oncologist who heads the oncology department of a local hospital.  The doctor tells him he will live to 100 and die of something else.  I hope so.



Rags's picture

Oncologist comment is very common with prostate cancer.


My dad chose to have his prostate removed completely.  To his engineering brain no prostate equates to no prostate cancer.  He will be 80 next week and is on two years of negative PSA tests.

I just had my first PSA test.  I'm 58.  Normal.... for now.

AgedOut's picture

That is great about the treatment meds, I'm so glad they're covered. I'm the praying type so I'm offering up a prayer that his treatment goes well and his future is bright!

Shieldmaiden's picture

Thanks for asking. I am doing much better. DH and I are good. Work is great. This week I had a very good looking driver flirting with me, telling me I was beautiful (I'm a dispatcher). I am 48 so I was blushing terribly. I am married but it still made my day to get such a compliment.

SD 18 has mono so she has been at BM's indefinitely. Yay!  Also,my crazy coworker got fired, so I don't have to listen the rants anymore and clean up her mistakes constantly. All around, things are good right now.

CajunMom's picture

For asking! Only people to ever ask me that are my small group of SM friends. We do monthly check-ins and if we don't, one of the 6 will ask in our private group. So, thanks again! 

I am doing well these days. I had a small meltdown last week when three of DHs kids were local but it was because of his goofy behavior and he has self-corrected already. While I had offered for his kids to visit him at our home, that didn't happen. So, now I'll probably hit the 5 year mark of not seeing DH's kids. Yeah me! My health is great, both physical and mental. Overall, life is good. Still quilting and gardening and playing with my dogs. Yep, life is good these days.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

That's wonderful @CajunMom! I am going on 1 full year in October of no physical contact with one of my adult SKIDs. It's been a year of some highs and lows with it all but I've really enjoyed the separation and not having to deal with the tense, anxiety and despair of the impending visitation. The other day he called his dadddeeee and without having to say a thing DH went into the other room. When done with the conversation he came out and I didn't ask a thing. I didn't even feel a bit inclined to know anything! ZERO interest. I only felt a slight twinge of being left out but then I reminded myself do I want involvement - NO! I believe I am moving in the right direction. 

AgedOut's picture

It was nice of you to even make the offer and I'm glad (for your sake) that they didn't take you up on it. Keeps your happy home ....happy!

Merry's picture

I'm doing great! I figured out yesterday that I have enough vacation days to burn that I can work 4-day weeks until my retirement in July! But I know I won't as 20% of the work won't magically disappear. But I'm on the downside and pretty ok with it.

Other than money. I worry about money. As long as I have part-time consulting work coming in we can continue to live as we are, but I haven't started chasing any of that yet. And it's not like we'd be destitute without it -- just means selling the big house that we love. And that opens up the likelihood that we'll move closer to his kids. That's a great motivator to find that part-time work.

JRI's picture

Merry, you will be surprised to find that your expenses go down some in retirement so don't make any hasty financial decisions.  I read all the articles and thought we'd have to cut back drastically.  But we are still living the same life as before. 

I've tried to figure out why. For one thing, we have always lived below our income.  In retirement, you pay less for some services because you can or maybe prefer doing them yourself, like taking clothes to the cleaners or house cleaning.  You have more time to price shop for everything from groceries and on up.  Transportation cost goes down if you were working outside the home.  Clothing cost goes down if you maintained a career wardrobe.  You have more time to think about your remaining expenses and the maturity to decide what's really necessary or important to you.

Yes, some expenses go up.  We now hire a weekly grass cutter who also prunes and powerwashes.  I can see a housecleaner in our future.  But, overall, it's been a pleasant surprise.  Good luck!

Merry's picture

Thanks, JRI! I do see some decrease in expenses that will help. My DH is oblivious to money though. If he wants something he'll buy it, usually not expensive. But lots of inexpensive things add up. He's WAY better than he was, but he's a spender.

He bought a couple of record albums yesterday (he's got a great collection, and I enjoy it too). But must have felt a little guitly so he said they were for ME. No, DH, they were for YOU, maybe with me in mind. Don't play mind games with me, or with yourself.

JRI's picture

DH85 gets a no-questions-asked allowance.  That's what he uses to go to the track with his friend or,  more often, slip SD$.  But he doesn't charge anything and I check daily.  He used to be exceptionally sharp with money but early-stage dementia means most of it is beyond him now.


AgedOut's picture

some count downs are the best and sliding toward retirement is one of them!! I'm retired, way too early because someone had to wrangle all our old folks. It made sense that it was me. Hell I worked w/ toddlers my entire career, the elderly don't scare me (much.)

Only take on part time work if it doesn't over stress you or cut into your you time!!


halo1998's picture

Still recovering from DH's online extracurricular activies.  Most days I'm ok...and we roll on.  Other days there are triggers and we struggle to deal with them.  Its an ongoing learning curve for both of us.  Our counselor helps us and does call us both out on our less than stellar behaviors. But..yep its hard not to think about it and hard not to want to strike DH upside the head with a frying pan.  Dh, however, is really trying and is really working recognize his horrible behaviors.  So for now...I'm still in.

Other than is well work.  We just finshed up our busy season...whew..and I rocked a major upgrade/migration that was globaly visable.    Woohoo..that was 10 hours straight of work and it went flawlessly.  I'm seriously tired of oncall though.

I'm also focusing on what I want...I have spent a lot of years trying to make everyone elses wants/needs come first.  I need to focus on me.  This has rubbed DH and my parents a little bit since they are the ones I have been prioritzing and they are not used to boundries  However, I need to do this in order to heal.    So..that gets interesting.  I'm finding my hobbies again...and learning to say NO. 

All in all..I am more at peace with myself and with DH.  I'm learning to give myself permission to relax...not everything needs to be done right this second.

AgedOut's picture

I think I'd be reacting and dealing just as you are. I admire you so much for working towards a happier existence in your home. I agree that's time for you to put you at the top of your list. I'm so glad you're doing that!

Merry's picture

Halo, good days and bad days are to be expected. Eventually there will be a day that you don't think about it at ALL. I promise. Keep doing the work. Make decisions as you go along, and keep options open as long as you need to.

For me, it's been, what, fives years or more? Just this morning I got mad all over again, with no trigger I could identify. Worked through it using those techniques I learned in counseling. Five minutes later I was fine. And the marriage is fine. Better than fine.

Like you, I picked up old hobbies again, found my own groove, set some boundaries. And for some things and people, my GAF is completely gone and I feel no guilt over it. While the whole thing sucks overall, there have been some good and healthy outcomes.

Cover1W's picture

I just did a blog post. That's how I'm doing. SDs always effect his mood which then comes at me with his frustration.

Other than that I'm working part of the day and keeping busy and out of the way. Even though today is DHs bday. Not my problem to fix the angst.

Taking care of older baby boy kitty too. Need to do his fluids today (he's a good boy and does well with them) and hang out with him for loves and cat cuddles.

AgedOut's picture

I'm only bumping this up so others can let us know how they are. 


I should add me though. We're good. Two middle aged folks just rolling w/ life's punches. lately I find myself seeing regular life events in way back context and it makes me wonder where time went. Example: a week from today my granddaughter turns 14, time flew. The Mr turns much older than 14 the same day and we now count down to his reitrement. Life is pretty good, all things considered but boy was it a long road to reach this point. 

CLove's picture

Im tired - two day weekend festival locally. Like a family reunion with music and art.

Husband and I are good. Better than good, actually. I leave him alone to do his things, and dont discuss any "hot topics" like skids or Toxic Troll or BFF, and am developing in other areas that do not include him. My lady-pack. who are awesome.

My goal this week is to get myself to the gymn.