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Recent developments with BM .. makes me want out

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Maybe it's the dark rainy weather today or the hormonal imbalance my body is still trying to recover from after having DD but I am effing DONE with step life , BM and SD. I'm back at work ( working from home) and trying to juggle kids until school starts, newborn and work and trying to also take care of myself and mental health which seems impossible. I have tried to ignore the drama with SD and BM but I recent found out it was BM behind the text messages from SD to DH when dd was born. I wrote on a previous blog about DH sending SD a text when her half sister was born ( it was really late when she was born) and the reply back from sD was "this is your last kids right ?" And she went on to basically guilt him and how horribly him having other children effected her . Some of you suspected it was BM doing the texting but I just could think of a grown women doing that?!?? Although, some of the wording in the text were the same exact things BM would tell DH so I thought it strange. Well after the text convo DH kept trying to call SD and FaceTime her so they could actually have a conversation about her text but she would never answer, he would text her to answer because he wanted to talk  to her and nothing .... silence all the sudden... I enjoyed the peacefulness of no SD for a while until her and BM got back from vacation. Finally DH heard from SD and he asked her if she still felt the same as she did when she sent him the text about her "feelings" and that he still wanted to talk to her about it . SD seemed to have forgotten about that conversation and then she later admitted that BM had actually been the one "helping" her text DH to get her feelings out ....I thought OMG there's just no level of low this B of a BM will go!!!! I am upset that on a day that was suppose to be about our DD, BM once again found a moment to manipulate the situation and use SD yet again!!! I am done at this point and I would love to give this sorry ass lady a piece of my mind if I had the energy but I don't ..going forward how are we to trust anything SD texts or says ... just wow


lieutenant_dad's picture

YOU don't do anything other than wash your hands of it. Your DH, however, needs to sh*t or get off the pot.

It's entirely possible all the words came from BM. It's also equally possible that SD does have negative feelings that she doesn't know how to express, which is opening up the opportunity for BM to insert her thoughts on the subject. Lived through it with my own mother (though not to the same degree). He needs to decide if he wants to behave like a father or not versus letting SD and BM call the shots. He has rights, and he either needs to use them or stop playing.

Also, isn't your DH unemployed right now (minus his side business)? If so, why on God's green earth are you balancing all the kids on your own?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Today I feel done with them ALL! DH included! His lack of putting his foot down to BM and SD has led to this bullshit, he should have never even entertain her little "discussion" when the moment was suppose to be about DD. A simple "hey SD i acknowledge you are feeling confused right now but let's talk about this is person" would have even that. I am so tired of DH allowing this type of foolishness to continue. It needs to just stop, it's been years now and I'm tired of it. I am working from home and he is for the most part taking care of the baby and watching DD3 until he finds a job, I do help throughout the day with DD3. When my work day is over he usually leaves to do a photo job or something. I am just worn out between working 8 hours then getting off and making sure the kids eat dinner, take a bath and are ready for bed on my own. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Is he at least trying to find full time employment, even if through a temp company? Or is he throwing all his eggs in his "new business"? I'm not against folks who want to start their own business, but when you're unemployed, your wife doesn't get to take maternity leave, and you have three kids to take care of, you don't really get the option of not working. If he is trying and no one is hiring, so be it. I just have a hard time grasping that not even the local McDonald's would take him on.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes he has been applying . He is with 3 temp places I believe, he was doing Amazon flex on top of photography but he cut back in Amazon flex to help me and he was getting more photography jobs. But still he needs full time work . We just discussed him working maybe at night but he takes care of the baby at night so I can rest for work so we have to do some adjusting . Pretty rough 

strugglingSM's picture

Ugh! Managing a newborn and a return to work is hard enough. You need your DH to carry the load....not to mention remove the load entirely of SD and BM...who are dead weight. Your DH needs to help with the newborn right now, because every time a new baby is born, people stop and help with them, because they are defenseless. It shouldn't be a power struggle or a question. 

When our DD was born, both BM and MIL got in on the act about how DH had to go out of his way to make sure teen SSs didn't feel abandoned. One will still say to him "you need to remember you have three kids, Dad!" Um, yeah, he does, but a toddler clearly needs more attention than a 16 year old...and is also more fun to be around. 

I found that despite what DH thought would happen, my resentment of Skids went way up after DD was born. It's annoying to me how often DD gets disrupted or pushed aside just to make SSs feel better. SSs are only around to demand things from DH and also act more childish than our toddler. I refuse to make my DD feel that she has to matter less or be satisfied being pushed aside just because her brothers came first. 

Why do Skids get so much power? In DH's case, it was him and his brother until his sister (an oops baby) was born almost 10 years later. She was the princess and the world still revolves around her...why does it have to be the opposite for my daughter (that her teen brothers are given preference just to ensure they don't feel bad). I guarantee that no one was worried about DH feeling bad when his sister was born...his sister still gets pampered and showered with gifts by MIL, while he only gets demands from MIL. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

You are on point about the power struggle for sure, it should not be that way at all. Also non of my kiddos felt any type of way when their siblings were born, actually my BS10 has really stepped up and helps a lot with his siblings with out being asked , he even likes to makes coffee for myself and DH. That's how you are suppose to flip things around when a sibling is born, you step in and help. I'm super proud of my son and all of my kids for that matter for not being as selfish as their older sibling . When people on my last post were commenting how DH needed to be more available to SD because she didn't live here and other children do I thought to myself yes but I need help..... it's not my DD( newborn) fault SD doesn't live here and for that reason DH should pay more attention to Sd when she is here when I am the one getting the short end of the stick??? No 

lieutenant_dad's picture

When I say your DH needs to be more available, I mean he needs to give up his own life in order to do that. That may mean he gets 2 hours of sleep a night because he has to balance three kids, one who is a newborn. Each of his kids need him (as do you), and that means he has to sacrifice more. He can't let SD lose time with him, or let you flounder, or let the other two down. HE has to figure out how to balance that, and I'm flabbergasted he hasn't figured that out while NOT being fully employed when you're figuring it out while still healing from baby, I assume breastfeeding (no shame if you aren't, either), and working full time.

AlmostGone834's picture

Seriously. This sounds like a mess. Four kids and he is unemployed??? Hellll no. He is failing everyone including OP and SD. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yea I mean I understand but right now time is so precious. He really doesn't know how to balance and a lot of time I'm left to handle it all which is why I'm so frustrated. We will be having a conversation later because something needs to happen, it is a mess and I'm sinking here . 

Dogmom1321's picture

I totally agree with removing the load of SD. When I was pregnant, I went ahead and made some changes... no longer making lunches for SD (she was 11 anyway and could do on her own), homework, etc. BM was BESIDE herself when I didn't drop SD off at school one day. DS was 3 months old, and since I was still on maternity leave, BM just expected for me to still accomodate SDs needs because I was home. *eyeroll* The self centeredness of SDs and BMs is unreal. There was a part of me that just felt like NEITHER of them were accepting the fact that DH has a family too. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Ugh yes, I would have been frustrated with DH. He could have just sent a simple response. "We are celebrating DD right now. That's a topic that is between SM and I. When we are ready to share personal matters, we will." AKA BUZZ OFF! That's something that is between a husband and wife. And DH is ridiculous for even entertaining the response when DD was just born. He should have been focused on DD. I would be livid! 

Has he shared any of your personal discussions about more children with SD?

Ashleytenorio17's picture

I am still very upset about it and the continues convo he had with her who we just found out was actually BM . After she asked if they was his last child he told her he was having surgery so he could not have anymore children which I thought was very inappropriate and not her business again to know.....

Dogmom1321's picture

Wow! Just wow. I would be performing the surgery on him myself. 

Extremely out of line for both BM AND DH. 

Livingoutloud's picture

There is no unemployment right now and there's a huge shortage in every field. There is a zero reason for him  to be repeteadly unemployed. When the baby is older you need to get a full time job yourself, that offers PTO and sick days and retirement savings. No more  ontract jobs with no benefits. 

Your DH needs to stop having kids he cannot support or take care of. He delegated everything to his ex and his current wife.  He can't even pay child support or provide for the kids he has. Why isn't he stopping? He must wear double condom or do something else ASAP if you aren't using birth control. If you use birth control but your birth control repeatedly fails then look for different method or double up. You use birth control and he wears a condom. Or no sex until it gets sorted out. He's not a teenager, he knows how babies are made. Sure he says he'll get vastectomy but clearly it ain't happening right this minute.

My DD just had a baby, their first. I can't imagine her working full time with the newborn baby and taking care of gazzilion more kids while her DH was not working and was doing who know what. it's insane. 

Enough of this madness. He can't support the family or even sufficiently help to run it.  SD is a crazy mess along with crazy BM but DH's messy life doesn't sound that much better. This is just all shear insanity 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

You have to understand bag COVID change alot

for some people. I work in oil and gas and I worked FULL TIME for 2 different companies that had to file bankruptcy one was due to COVID and the other was due to other financial reasons. This is not my fault and while yes I would absolutely love to work somewhere permanently but for now in order to feed my family I have to accept contract work. It's a year assignment which I have also been trying To find permanent positions but right now it's extremely hard to come by. I work in accounting so either they have outsourced to India or they other hire temps. It's not unusual for a whole department to be comprised of contract workers . Where I currently work now my whole team is contract workers, there is a possibility to become permanent. This is also the case for my DH, he was laid off his permanent position and had a hard time finding other permanent job so he had to accept these contract positions, most of which have been 6 month assignments. My whole family was laid off from their jobs during the height of COVID , my sister was laid off from United Airlines and my mom was laid off from a oil and gas company . It sucks yes but they both have been forced to accept contract work. I have been using birthday control for several years but I keep having to take breaks from it due to the awful side effects . Also he is having a vasectomy done so no more kids. This work type situation is a reality of a lot of people now. There is a lot of work but most of it is contract. 

Livingoutloud's picture

I understand that it's not easy but some decision making process is just not thought through. If you have serious side effects from birth control then discuss other options with your doctor, if you must take breaks from using birth control then your DH must use condom instead of having unprotected sex like clueless teens or you two must refrain from sex until birth control is figured out. No one died from taking break from sex. 

 If you don't have permanent job and don't have basic maternity leave and no one to help and pretty useless DH, don't have more kids with him. If DH can't pay CS on existent kid, he shouldn't have more. Does your ex pay you CS? Probably not either. Or very little.  What's with these men! 

I understand that DH can't find a permanent job but if he cannot get a job, he shouldn't keep procreating. No one should live like this, working full time with a newborn and no maternity leave and full house of kids. You keep criticizing BM and yes she is nuts and yes SD is difficult but anyone would look at your situation and see the complete chaos and lack of grown up decision making. You two need to fix your own lives or you might need to be done with this guy. He's useless. You might be better off alone   

Him planning on getting vastectomy is probably going to take forever like everything else. If it even happens... 


Ashleytenorio17's picture

Yes I understand how babies happen and I do not regret have my daughter at all. I understand your opinion on my life but again it's my life and my choices. Is it chaos? Yes sometimes It is chaos but that life with kids, it could be chaos with only one kid or 2 or 3 . It's never been anything I can't handle and yes it does suck having only 2 weeks off and working full time with a newborn but I am fortunate enough to work from home which makes it a bit easier . And I criticize BM not on her life choices but because she is a bitch, there's a difference . I don't really care how she views my life , she doesn't pay my bill I do so as long as I can do that and no one else does it for Me I really don't care what others have to say about " my poor life choices" I don't see it that way. I could never look at my kids and say "well don't I should have not had you" . parenting is always stressful and overwhelming but it's also rewarding . DH being able to pay child support or not really does not effect my choices with our children. That's separate from us. Like I said before I have a good paying good, trust me I am not financially struggling. My kids have food, clothes , and everything they need so as long as I can do that iTs ok. I understand your definition of success is working 8-5 for a company in a office the rest of your life but we don't think that necessarily means success and not how we want to live our lives. I have a small business I could start up again if I choose to, that was bringing in extra money weekly . DH has booked 4 job in one weekend for photography and videos. He just got a contract to shoot episodes for a gym. So while that type of life style you may not think is successful or appropriate is what we want to do. We are self made and if we keep improving we won't have to work for anyone but ourselves, that's the goal . A lot of people in my city have turned their lifestyle this way, I mostly shop small businesses . So while you think we need to fix our own lives I think our lives are just fine with the exception of SD and BM . I don't think we need to fix our lives I think we need to just improve on a few things so we are more financially independent and secure . DH while he has his faults I do not think of him as useless, that a bit harsh . He takes care of the kiddos during the day until school starts so I can work, he takes care of DD at night so I can sleep for work, he is constantly booking photo jobs to help pay the bills. Again it make not be perfect but he is starting to pull his weight . Now his patenting or Lack of for SD is a issue with Me I'm starting to take advice from here and just remove myself from it, it bothers me yes and I come here to vent like others. Some days I'm overwhelmed and some days I'm fine , life Is not perfect and that's why we are all on this page . But marriage to me is a partnership, I don't believe I should give up on DH because he doesn't have a 9-5 office job or maybe he is having a rough patch, I believe that when one falls the other is there to support and vice versa. When I was not working it was DH that supported us all until I could get back on my feet which I did. People now a days I feel dismiss others too fast. 

dragonfly878's picture

It's all about control with this woman- your DH blocks her so she uses SD's phone to speak to him through her. I say this lovingly, but your DH needs to get his head out of his ass and wake up to his reality. Boundaries need to be set because what he allows is what will continue to happen. 

"SD when you want to talk- pick up the phone and call given I can no longer trust whether I'm talking to you or your mother."

Rags's picture

F'em both and write them both off. Purge SD from your lif eand the life of your DD. No one needs a toxic POS as a half sister, full sister, etc...

She goes down the bowl, so flush the shit.

Let DH know they will have zero presence in your life or the life of your daugther and if he thinks otherwise, his time with DD will be severely limited as well.  You work from home, go live with your parents and adjust accordingly to protect yourself and your DD.

Don't give the toxic shit of an SD a break by shifting this entirely to BM. SD is not innocent in this.