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Skids and college and feeling blue

missgingersnap2021's picture

So how many of you on her have skids that will be leaving for college in a couple weeks? If so I am very very jealous! 

Not only is SD not going away, as many of you know she isn't even doing CC. Just a 2 night a week course to learn Dental Assisting.

What is starting to make me blue is that her two local female friends wll be leaving in two weeks to go away to college (one will be 5 hours away so will rarely even be coming home), and her boyfriend will be starting night school at a local CC, working 40 hours AND playing baseball. And I found out that her 3rd friend that lives a few hours away will be going to a State University that is less then 2 hours from here. It one that I had suggsted SD look into. It would have bene perfect becuase they could have roomed together. 

What does all this mean? That on the wekends she is here she will be spending a lot more time just sitting around doing nothing! These past two months have been awesome becuase she is gone a lot with these friends and her boyfriend. The less she is here the better DH and I have been. 

Oh and DH has had "talks" with her about getting a job this summer (at least 2 that I know of) Hmmmm its August. How'd those "talks" go with her?

I try to not resent her and blame DH and BM for how she turned out, but at this point in her life, I'm sorry, I blame her for being lazy, boring and wanting to do the bare minimum. (Oh and DH just blames BM for everything. He loves to say " It doesnt matter what I say. SD will only listen to BM") 

 

 

 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Perhaps she will realize how boring things are without her friends around? and a bf with no time for her and ask if it's too late to go to college too?  

It's like staying home when all your friends are at school.. it's a lot more boring than you would have thought.. lol?

 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Unfortunately I know her she'll be perfectly content spending all her time alone on her phone looking at Instagram and playing games

Winterglow's picture

That is such a shame. She'll never know what she's missed out on.

Student life away from home can be so much fun and also teach you so much. I want to university a 3-hour train journey away and loved evry minute (even when I was broke ... which was most of the time lol). My brother went to university while living at home. He chose that as the easy option but now realizes his mistake. He's often said that was one of his life's greatest regrets!

Winterglow's picture

If she's doing 2 nights a week, there's no reason for her not to take advantage of the situation and gain some real life experience by working. If your DuH is against the idea ask him why he would want to deliberately hobble his own child... Doesn't he love her enough to want to help her in the real world? (Gawd, he's so detached from reality that he's going to ruin any chance she might have had for a decent life...) 

missgingersnap2021's picture

That's just it. He's not against her working. In fact he wishes she would get a job but he has no balls to push her to do it. He just rolls over after having these "chats"with her and does no follow up.

If I were him this weekend if she spent a day laying around doing nothing because your boyfriends busy I'd say hey why don't you go out and do a couple applications. But instead he'll either let her lay around doing nothing or even worse spend the day taking her out to lunch and doing a little shopping

notarelative's picture

How is SD paying for her activities on her nights out? Maybe Daddy should stop giving her spending money.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Well technically all her money comes from DH because of all the thousands of dollars he has to pay BM in  alimony and child support. But in SD's eyes the money is coming from mommy because mommy gave her a credit card to use. DH really isn't a Disney dad when it comes to buying her things. 

Winterglow's picture

It'll be interesting to see what happens when child support stops, won't it? Does it stop at 18 where you live?

Stepdrama2020's picture

Lots of great ideas and thoughts above.

Im in the camp though that your DH is so far gone in Disney Daddio land, and duking it out with BM to be the bestest parent . So all the reasonable, thoughtful suggestions will be met with defensive anger. I learned that the hard way.

Blessings

ETA if SD is home on a weekday and sleeping late please remember to vacuum the hallway outside her door.   Make it dang uncomfortable that she will want to get up and get out.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Trust me I've done that. My thing is to play with the dog and run her up and down the hallway for her to chasing balls and she barks in excitement. So now DH gives me some snide comments once in a while. For example I said to him the other week "wow SD got up early today did she have plans today?" And he goes "well were you playing with the dog?" I wasn't even awake. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Burning platform ideas are not just for boys, I say make her your chore biotch. That house should be spotless. If she's not working and half a$$ing school, she can keep the house and laundry and landscape up to par. 

MissK03's picture

Ginger.. I'm 0 for 2. I TOTALLY get what you're saying. I had convo recently with SO how the no one is leaving the "nest." Both SS's have now graduated and are still home. SS19 works full time and SS17 is going to a tech school. 

He commented with how 2 out of his 3 brothers went through the same and he knows it's a struggle. 

Its frustrating. If my SS19 doesn't move out by the time he is 21.. I don't know if I will make it.. It's not just me saying it.. it is SS17 and SD15 too. I am really starting to struggle with him. He is a total slob and has no respect for anyone else's belongings. SO sees the frustration. He has no "chores", doesn't pay rent, makes 21 an hour, and makes a mess everywhere he turns. Spends his money as fast as he gets it. So trust me... I GET IT.  

I think your DH though will never go against anything SD does.. you are forever going to be the bad guy. You need to accept that she will not be moving anywhere for years. 

The question is will you be able to mentally handle it. I don't see your SD flying the nest well in to her 20s. I also see her continuing going between your house and BMs. 

 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Honestly I don't know what's going to happen in the next year. She's turning 18 in less than two months so it'll be interesting to see if she tries to lessen any of the overnights. She's pulled away from calling him. they basically just text and I don't think that often anymore.
 

The reality though is I think she would be fine staying every night at her mom's but I think she's going to keep coming here cause her mother wants to go have  time with her boyfriend. I think I'm more pissed off at the idea of SD still sleeping over here because of the wants of BM rather than SD and DH wanting her to be still sleeping here 8 times a month

MissK03's picture

I think she's going to continue the sleep overs until she moves out on her own. I could be totally wrong but I just don't see it happening for you. 

I think you need to figure out if you can handle it. 

Look at me.. bioless with skids living 24/7 for going on 5 years.. EOWE before that... I always thought SO and I would "have that little time" together... I was totally wrong. 

Merrigan's picture

I don't understand the laziness. I was a year younger than my friend group as a teen, so I had to wait a year to get a job after all my friends had turned 16 and started working part time. I was miserable!  They were all going out to special events and restaurants with their own money and I couldn't.  Your SD doesn't seem to know the value of working for money, which is a shame, because she'll find out the hard way eventually. 

AlmostGone834's picture

What's the plan after 10 months? By next June/July her certification should be over and she should be working full time in her chosen career, correct? Perhaps her and bf can get a place together and she can work while he goes to college? Even if your DH had to cover some of the rent? Would that be an option?
 

 

missgingersnap2021's picture

10 months??? Try 4!!!! By this upcoming January the training will be done.  Her boyfriend (and his parents) have plans for him- he's going to CC just to start and is  going for Pysical Therapy. No way they would allow him to live with SD. 
 

In the end it doesn't matter- DH are on the road to divorce. He was his typical nasty self tonight. I'm jmore sad than happy these days and don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I try to fool myself and think that if SD we're to be out of our lives more we would be ok but the reality is DH has done too many things, said too many things, and I realize just how unhappy I am with it all

Winterglow's picture

So 4 month of 2 nights a week? I hope she isn't expecting a massive salary based on her diploma. Will she even be able to find work locally with that?

missgingersnap2021's picture

She will be able to find a job but it will be basically slightly over minimum wage. The best part is when I asked her about it (still trying to gage if she's happy with her decision to do this vs going to college) she said "if I don't like it I'll just go to CC and do something else". I try to disengage but after that comment I did make a comment back and said "really doesn't it cost thousands of dollars to do this program?" She just doesn't care about trying to have a future she doesn't care about the value of the dollar and she expects to be taken care of the rest of her life

Stepdrama2020's picture

Her expectation to be taken care of the rest of her life is correct. Big daddio has ingrained that in her.

Why should she care about the value of a dollar and a good work ethic, she has that covered. No need for her to worry.

Your DH and BM have failed SD, and you will be paying the price.

Blessings hun

ESMOD's picture

TBH.. the cost of a 4 year university (and she was exploring a private one from my recollection).. would well outsttrip the cost of this program (being done from home vs paying room and board).. PLUS CC and maybe finishing up the last couple years at a traditional 4 year school.  

I

missgingersnap2021's picture

What you're saying doesn't really make any sense. She's not doing this program then going to community college and then maybe finishing up at a four-year college. Her plan was just this - a four month, few hours a week training to get a certificate. If she ends up going to community college it would be basically wasting all the money which is a few thousand dollars on this and starting over with some thing else

ESMOD's picture

Sorry if you didn't understand what I was saying.

What I was saying is that this program is a few thousand dollars.. and if it doesn't work out.. then she is saying her fall back would be to go to CC... which while "wasting" money (all learning is valuable imho).. is still heads and shoulders less than if she had chosen to go to LIBERTY..

Full room and board plus tuition is over $40K per year.. PER YEAR.. Community college is only about $4k.. (assuming she lives at home).. and even if her dad were to bankroll an apartment for her.. would still end up LESS than the 4 year college's tuition.

I'm just pointing out her "wasting" money is a LOT less than if she had gone to Liberty.. decided she hated it.. and wasted $40,000.  Just trying to give you a small silver lining.

Though.. I guess it doesn't matter financially to you since you must have entirely separate finances with your spouse.. and he isn't generous with you... so while it might make you jealous that he spends it on her.. it's not like it is impacting you I guess...

missgingersnap2021's picture

ESMOD I understand people on here can never know 100% a situation but I really hate when people guess and assume things. First of all Liberty would've never cost that much. she would've been able to get financial aid grants etc. Coming from a private Christian school they would've given her some money for that fact alone. Plus DH and BMwe're going to be splitting college costs. 
 

and not to defend my husband but please don't say he's not generous towards me. He's an ass emotionally but financially he is treated me very very very well. Even though we keep separate finances which is my choice. He's the one that pays for all meals out, all trips, buys me flowers all the time for no reason. he's the one who pays for anything done to the house like when we completely redid the kitchen to my dream white and stainless steel granite kitchen. Money is not the issue with us. Last night we went out for a very expensive Sushi dinner but then right before bed he said something so nasty that it took away the whole entire evening. I'd rather eat at Burger King and go to bed happy

ESMOD's picture

So it may not have been 40K a year.... but it still would likely have been significant.. 

And.. when people have suggested you do things for yourself.. take a class.. or go to therapy.. you have said money was absolutely a barrier to you doing that.  I guess the assumption would be that your DH finances were not open at all to you.. It's too bad he won't pay for the things that truly would help your heart and your peace of mind. 

My point to the finances was also that what he spends on her.. doesn't appear to negatively impact your joint finances.. since while he can be generous.. you don't necessarily have access to that anyway.

I apologize for trying to give you some small speck of light or sliver of something to be thankful for.  You just seem to be completely and utterly in misery.. and trying to help you see a small point of positive.. is all I was trying to do.. 

I guess I will go back to my first impression here.

If you don't communicate with your DH and resolve your misery over this situation.. I see zero hope for much future.. seems too much damage has been done.

Dogmom1321's picture

Sounds like (IF) she even gets a job, it won't be a liveable wage. Especially with the cost of rent and food right now. Doesn't sound like she even has a group of friends she could be roomates with and split expenses. I feel for you. I'm counting down until SD12 can either move in with BM or graduate high school and adios. Can't imagine would that would feel like waiting ALL those years and it not even happening. I know you did your BEST to support with campus tours, financial aid filing, etc. It's not your fault she has crappy parents. 

DH puts SD12 on a pedastal still occasionally. When he does it drives be absolutely bananas. It makes him look like a fool and a total pushover that he can't see the motives behind her actions. Such a turn OFF. It definitely builds up over the years. Best of luck. 

ESMOD's picture

In this case.. her DH was going to be footing a $40K plus bill for her to go to Liberty..  Let's say that he helps her out a little to make ends meet?  he is still spending less than what he would have for the 4 year college.  And.. her salary as a dental assistant is likely to be 30 to 50K per year.. (obv starting on lower level at first).. perhaps she will like the work.. and decide to go further to be an actual hygenist?  

AT least this is a start.. not maybe the most ambitious start.. but the risk of loss of a few thousand dollars is a LOT less than it would have been if she had bombed out of college.  

Kids sometimes need to explore their interests.. and expecting a 17/18 yo kid to have the same mature outlook on things as 'old ladies' like us?  it just isn't that fair to expect her to find that resolve out of thin air.  not when neither of her parents have pushed her to spread her wings..  Maybe this dental assistant thing will be a start.. maybe she will decide that being at home with no friends and a busy boyfriend isn't what she wants.. and will decide to go off to school?  She isn't the only teen that spends a lot of time on her phone laying around.. and at some point.. maybe something will stick in her interest and she will want more? you never know.

But MSG really has more of an issue with the breakdown of her relationship and while her sD is symptomatic.. the underlying causes go much deeper than her SD.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Believe it or not, I actually sympathize with you on this. We just found out that OSS graduates from college in December. That means he'll be back here full-time in January. DH and I have given him until next summer to get his feet under him and save enough for an apartment or to figure out if he wants to go to grad school. Even though I like the kid, I'm not looking forward to having a newborn, teenager, and young adult in the house. And I have a lot of fear that OSS won't do enough to actually be ready to move out by next summer.

The "transition years" suck and are stress-inducing. Either the kid launches or you're stuck with them in your home, where you then have to make thr decision to stay or leave. At least when they're younger, you can tell yourself "they don't have a choice; they're minors." But once they turn 18, you really have to rely on the trust you've built with your partner that theyll launch their kid. That can be really terrifying, especially if your partner has shaken that trust.

missgingersnap2021's picture

I think this is exactly why things have been so bad between him and I. Because of all the built-in unspoken stress anxiety and fear I have. Plus  the fact that I just don't trust him to have enough balls to push her in the right direction. And feeling like I'm living my life waiting to see what happens based on what BM does or doesn't do for her daughter is so draining.

All I know is I have started making an exit plan because things are so bad between us. Even just last night he said something so nasty to me right before bed so I spent most of the night sitting up in the living room crying.  When I finally went up to bed around 4 AM he said to me "what were you doing down there? Making plans on how to leave?" I keep so much to myself and put on a happy face in front of him but even that's getting too hard to do when he's picking up on it. I feel like cancer has invaded our relationship and I'm just waiting for it to kill it completely

ndc's picture

Would it really take 6 months for a young adult with a newly minted degree to get out on his own?  My sister went straight from college to her own place. Most of my friends did the same, or were in their own places by the end of summer after graduating in May.  This is in the last 7-10 years - have things changed that much?

lieutenant_dad's picture

There are other factors involved with OSS. His university was supposed to add a new major that he was going to transition over to (same college and field, just more narrow focus), and that was supposed to be finalized this summer. That meant he was going to go to school this entire year plus take a few classes next summer to graduate, and then start his MFA. So, he'd be moving into an apartment near campus next summer.

Well, the university didn't get the new major finished in time, so OSS can't switch and only needs one semester of credits to graduate. His advisor set up his schedule for one semester, which includes his senior project. Now he is graduating a semester early, and that opens him up to the possibility of going somewhere else for his MFA. Plus, because he isn't getting the BA in that focus area he wants, he needs to find an MFA program that includes it.

So we're giving him a grace period to stay with us while he figures out his next steps and has enough money for his deposit, furniture, etc. We're handing the portion of his bills we pay (e.g. car insurance, cell phone) over to him in January since he'll be graduated. DH is considering charging him rent but keeping the money saved and giving it back to him when he moves out. OSS is only 20, so he's at the age where most of his friends are moving out on their own. He has a friend he intended to live with next summer since they are a year younger and they could get through their respective BA and MFA programs in 2 years. But, again, that plan is out the window since there really aren't any full-time job prospects in his college town.

So yeah. Under normal circumstances of a kid graduating at 22, and where they would have already been living off-campus for a year or two, I'd completely agree. But, I'm having some leniency in this situation since the previous plans have gone belly up.

ETA: And he can move out sooner. DH has set some expectations month by month for OSS. He needs to be fully employed by the end of January. He needs to be on an apartment wait list by no later than March. He needs to be starting back in school by August or moved into an apartment at the earliest available summer date (if not sooner). Any of that isn't handled, DH is packing his stuff and sending him to ET. Now, whether DH will actually do that or not, no idea. But he at least has a plan of attack, and DH *typically* sticks to things he plans out.

missgingersnap2021's picture

It's not that strange of a question when we've both been fighting and unhappy and he seen me pulling away. He's also noticed some changes I've made regarding finances. I mean he's not a stupid man.

Stepdrama2020's picture

You would think that SD finally hitting college age and moving on and out , that the worst of times would be getting behind you. A chance for you and DH to have more time. Filled with us time and travels etc.

Instead you have no clue what will happen because DH has no plans for SD, in  encouraging her to study, get a good career. He expects the bare minimum from her so HE can hold onto her. Its like she will never adult fully cause daddio doesnt want that. So the one thing you argue about, SD in the home doing nothing, isnt getting better but worse.

Its not fair you are living a life where you have to guess whats going on. When we do that we usually think of the worst possible situation.

Ginger  exit plan away. Im glad your DH senses your shift and leaving. This will be telling. Will he fight for the marriage? Or fight to keep the status quo with SD?

AlmostGone834's picture

Hmmm...

Maybe it is best to just lay it all out in the open what you need from him? 
 
For example... "DH I am concerned about our future because of x y and z in relation to SD. To be honest, I don't trust you to keep your word regarding the plans we agreed to because of ___ and ____ that you have done, which shows me you may not follow through. I need the following conditions in my life to be met regarding her: (she can only stay x number of nights, no living with us, behavioral changes while she is here etc). If you can't address the concerns and reassure me, I think we need to sit down and come up with a fair plan for separating"

At least by getting it all out in the open, you will both know where you stand. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Communicate everything to DH, you have nothing to lose Ginger.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Trust me I did. A while back I wrote him a three page letter and we had a big long talk after it. And things were actually good for a while but at the end of the day words are just words. He could tell me he's going to bring home a unicorn for me. Until I see that unicorn it doesn't mean anything.

I think that's why he made the comment he did last night - our talks and  my actions have all been showing him that I am reaching my breaking point. I have not said the D word yet though. Because when I do it'll be said once and that will be that

AlmostGone834's picture

So if everything has been agreed upon, then the issue is that you don't trust him to keep his promises? 

caninelover's picture

The toughest, I think.  As SP's we are like...great, you are 18, or 20, or 22.  But we want them out yet their parents, not so much.  Sorry Ginger, if you guys can make it through the next few years and if DH is really willing ng to give SD the boot ( and not too sure he would)...then you may make it but good to hear your continuinh on a path of splii, if that's what it comes to.  Hugs and strength to you, lady!

Rags's picture

turned out, it is her fault that she remains this way.

Time for the burning platform to get her to launch.  Take her key or re-key the locks.  She leaves in the AM and is not allowed back in until you and DH return from work.  What she does during the work day is her problem.  

I bet she finds a job in a hurry, or.... finds a place to live other than with you.

Burning platform for the win!!!!!!

Hunger, hot summers, and cold winters are great tools for driving a clueless kid to launch upon reaching the age of majority.

ESMOD's picture

That absolutely would end her marriage rags. Sorry... but many kids are welcome in their parental homes past 18...especially if they are working towards education.   Op has her own opinion on how a kid should act and how her so should act.  She has no trust in her spouse... those are her issues...rekeying locks? She might find her own key no longer works.

Rags's picture

However, a blended family home may not be their parent's home. It could be a parent's home and the home of that parent's spouse. That means a SKid staying past 18 requires that they convince not only the resident parent but the parent's resident spouse.

The question in my mind is why the OP would find anything worth salvaging in this so called marriage.  She is not a priority to her spouse, he is far more engaged with his kid than his wife, his daughter is not being motivated to launch.....

Even when Skids are envolved, the partners collectively are the decisioning authority ... always. If one is more commited to their failed family legacy than to their partner, that should never be tolerated by the partner.

IMHO of course.

 

ESMOD's picture

But that isn't an executive decision that OP can make without her DH's buy in.  HE feels that the home is just as much his daughter's right now.. as it is his own or his wife's.  We aren't talking a 27 yo basement dweller here.. we are talking about a barely graduated 18 yo.. who has been given every indication that she was going to be able to live with her parents past the witching hour.

Now.. OP.. can advocate for the burning bed with her DH.. She can demand that he insist his daughter be gainfully employed while she is taking her dental assistant coursework.  She can demand that he evict her from staying there once she is out of training and employed.. but it is up to HIM whether he agrees with that.  A stepparent doesn't have 100% say in the home.. neither does the bio parent really.. it's a matter of communication and compromises.

Op said she had a long convo with him a while back.. perhaps it's time for her to remind him what they had talked about?

And.. she has to be careful she doesn't overstep her boundaries.. she has a say when it comes to her home.. yes.. but she can't demand he stop supporting his child after 18.. they have separate finances.. he can decide how much he wants to push his kid.. it's his choice and responsibility .. not hers.  she may want him to be more aggressive with the girl.. but he gets to chooose how he parents.. she gets to decide whether it's an environment where she wants to stay or not.  

Stressed19's picture

You can sit down with hubby and set rules.

She must attend school fulltime. She needs to get a part time job at a minimum, she can start comtributing financially if rules not met. She also needs to contribute in the upkeep of the home indide and out as the hrown up that she is...

 

missgingersnap2021's picture

I rarely agree with ESMOD but I do on this - It is not up to me to demand/dictate/ or control what happens. And I havent and I won't. I have told DH my fears (of her wanting to live here full-time) and my wishes (first that she went away to college. Now that that's not happening that she gets a job that involves more then just a few hours a week babysitting).

But this is why I am so blue - because no matter what I wish for I am at the mercy of what BM and SD end up doing.

The said thing is - DH really is on the same page as me for wanting these things but does nothing to make it happen. I truly can't understand why he is so completely afraid to act like a real father and tell his duaghter what to do. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Your last paragraph here really resonates with me. Yes its one thing to be on the same page and want something and a completely other thing to be able to follow through. Because it may mean having uncomfortable conversations and being able to follow through with ideas and rules. My partner was like this with his kids. It was hard for him although he eventually stood up to the skids. I think they are afraid of confrontation, afraid of making waves with anyone and actually afraid of the kids themselves! They want to be mister nice guy.

I think if you do follow through with your plan of exiting, although it may take time in the long run I think you'll feel a lot more freedom in your everyday life not being tied to people with such different lifestyles who are so draining to be around. IMO

Stressed19's picture

I am happy to say that after the arguments and me thinking of leaving my relationship. 2 of the 4 sk have lauched!!!! The mother is toxic and relentless after being separated 5 years continues to do everything in her power to cause drama and pain to dad. If she only knew, we are happier than ever now that the girls live with her100%....... Sometimes having a toxic bm is not that bad! Obviously she has to be convinced of "what we want" as SHE will do the complete oppossite!!!