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Step son and new baby - NEED TO VENT

turnerl2022's picture

I just really need to vent. I feel like this is the only platform that will understand me, I have posted elsewhere in the past with a not so nice response. 

I am currently full term pregnant. Due my first born any day. 

Since last week my partners teenage son has been staying with us as it is the summer holidays here. 

I feel like I can't breathe, I'm grieving that time to just sit and enjoy the last moments of my pregnancy... I just want to sit and relax in my nighties and comfortable clothing, but feel like I can't even enjoy being in my own home. The house is small. His son rarely stays with us and lives 2 hrs away - but now he's here for weeks and it's also when I'm expecting my first child and I just feel totally sad about it. I've found myself having to entertain, extra housework, someone constantly there whereas usually I have that alone time in the day whilst my partner works - which I really enjoy especially being pregnant as I can sit with my feelings and not have to worry about there being someone else there. I feel so so selfish saying this... But I feel like a stranger in my own home. I was looking forward to it just being the three of us once baby is here even if it was just for the first couple of days whilst I get settled with my first child and then his son could come and stay. I could obviously never express this to my partner as it would make me look awful. But I feel totally crap about it. I don't even know where to begin, I'm just blurting it all out. I have done so much for his son in the past but right now I don't have the energy for anything and naturally I am going to start prioritising my own child, particularly being a new mum... I can feel myself disengaging, and the honest truth is I really wish he wasn't here right now. I can't get comfortable, at night I'm fully dressed... Bloated... Fed up... And just have this teenager going on and on moaning about something and how bored he is. This time is meant to be special for me and I feel like it's been taken away. It's such bad timing i wasnt expecting to have him here as baby arrives. Then I'm thinking about those first days with baby, breastfeeding... Again being uncomfortable, bleeding, and you never know how the birth will go so I have the physical and emotional aspects of that to consider. We are in a two bedroom and before I knew I was pregnant we turned one of those rooms into his even though he's rarely here, so all baby stuff is cramped into our room and it's just so overwhelming and I feel like I'm drowning to be honest. I look back at what I've wrote here and I want to tell myself to get a grip... But at the same time I don't think I'm wrong to have feelings over this and I'd like to hope there's members of this site who will totally understand me. Even my midwife said it's important to have time just the three of us once baby is here without any other children around, even if it was just that first night. But there's no chance now, baby could be here any day. He's stuck with us until the end of summer. Honestly the day before he arrived I was so emotional I cried and cried and cried. I feel like ive got no personal space. I can't lay on my own sofa and put my feet up... He's always saying stuff about birth and labour and what ifs... Negative stuff... until now ive done so much positive work and visualisation on birth etc and now it's like i'm made to feel anxious. I know he's just a kid but i can't help but feel extremely irritatated by him. Please someone tell me I'm not going crazy. I can't wait for summer to be over so I get my time back and more importantly time with just me and my baby as well as my partner. I tried to talk to my friend about it and she basically said think about it as an extra pair of hands to help me out when his dad goes back to work and I'm with baby in the day, but I really don't want an extra pair of hands from a kid to be honest and would be happier on my own. 

ndc's picture

I totally get where you're coming from.  I would NOT want a teenage boy who isn't my own child around when I'm feeling bloated and hormonal, and I most definitely would not want such a teenage boy around when I'm bleeding and trying to breastfeed and just recovering from childbirth.  It's just awkward.  I wasn't happy to have my MIL come visit when my DD was a few days old, and she was genuinely helpful.  

I don't think there's anything wrong with letting your partner know how you feel.  It doesn't sound like it's anything specific to his son that's the problem - it's just having another person there, and in particular a teenage boy.  You're entitled to your feelings, and your partner should be supportive and think of ways to get you more privacy rather than be defensive.  I hope that's how he reacts.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Don't know what SS visitation schedule is, but there should be an exception in this instance. He should not be there pre birth nor should be be there after.  Your DH needs to figure out a solution.

Can SS go back to his mother for a couple of weeks?  Can he go to grandparents?  If not, is is possible to send him to some sort of youth program where he would be in residence?  Hobby, school or church group?

You are entirely justified in your feelings and it makes me angry that your DH doesn't understand what a special time this is, and having a sullen snotty teen boy around is NOT helping. 

SS needs to go somewhere, anywhere. DH can make it up to him later.

 

stepmomnorth's picture

You are justified in your feelings and there isn't anything wrong at all with feeling how you do. Giving birth is no easy task. It's hard, it's emotional, it's trying, it's adjusting and adapinng. It's long nights of baby crying and feeding

You mentioned you don't want to bring this up to your partner because you think it makes you sound bad. I feel like you should actually bring up your feelings, because they are very valid. You can bring them up in a way that is non accusatory. You could phrase it as what you mentioned, you are tired, overwhelmed, getting ready for a baby that is stressful. That you want some peaceful time to bond with the baby with just you. I would stress this is a very "personal" time in which you feel more comfortable with just you and him and the baby. It is perfectly understandable due to the personal nature.

Personally myself I would say I needed the privacy of my own home to walk around freely while trying to learn how to breastfeed or just to be comfortable healing after birth and this isn't going to work with a teenager around. You deserve to have this special time to bond and deserve to have that privacy in your home. This time with a newborn baby only happens once.

Winterglow's picture

You really must tell your SO how you feel about this. He doesn't know that you're not superwoman ... so tell him! You're exhausted and you must have a break! You don't get maternity leave to b a babysitter to somebody else's kid(s). Maternity leave is to prepare for the birth, physically and mentally and having a useless teen hanging around who's trying to depress you (to boot!) is not conducive to serenity and peace of mind. 

Not only is your SS's presence stopping you from getting the relaxation that you physically need, he is generating more work for you. How is that supposed to help your pregnancy go smoothly?

Insist, absolutely insist, on it being just the three of you after the baby is born because it's important bonding time and you can't do that with a fourth person butting in.  Get it through his thick skull (does he really think that you like having an unrelated male around while you're waiting to pop?) that you are going to be breastfeeding after the baby is born and that you have every intention of nursing wherever you choose in your own home and that you think it's most inappropriate for an unrelated male to be gawking at your breasts all the time. You need privacy and you are not going to shut yourself into your bedroom to nurse just because there's a teen lolling on your sofa.

Uh, and does he really think that his paternity leave is intended for him to entertain his son? If he has even remotely considered this I would go effin' nuclear.

After you've laid out your case, ask him bluntly where his son is going to be for at least the first three weeks after the birth  - his grandparents? His mother's (he can always make up the time later)? Can you get your midwife to spell it out to him how important all of this is? I'm sure it won't be the first time she'll have had to do this. 

turnerl2022's picture

Thank you so much for your time in replying to me... X it's so nice to feel supported and that someone understands xx 

Mominit's picture

I'm going to be the dissenter here.  First, I agree - your emotions are not right or wrong.  They're your emotions.  You're very pregnant, hugely hormonaly and mourning the vision you had.  But as much as it sucks, the teen is here.  He is a child who very obviously does not have the privilege of an intact home and doesn't get to live with his Dad, who is about to be present for a baby who gets to live with Mom and Dad 24/7.  He's not the bad guy here!  He is spending time with his Dad that was very predictable.  Your vision should have included that fact.

People give birth in homes with other children (yes, even their first birth).  I'm a little saddened by the privilege of demanding that first weeks MUST be some hallmark movie of just mom and dad doting on the little one in total privacy and seculsion (presumably while Dad fetches juice for the exhausted breastfeeding Mom?).  Being a Mom is wonderful and joyous, and it's also tough work.  Set up your room so it is your oasis.  Get a rocking chair in there as if it's the most private hospital ward room of all time.  Let the teenager know that you're not expecting to feel great for the first week and won't be leaving your room much.  Then enjoy your quiet time in your room with books, baby, bed.  Stay in your jammies, or grab a pair of yoga pants and nursing top.  What ever makes you feel better.

It's important to mourn the perfect dream you had in your head.  It's also important to accept the reality of the life we're in and make the absolute best of it!  Set yourself up to succeed by making a peaceful spot.  I don't think kicking your DH's child out is the best way to start.  He's a teen, he's not going to need you to entertain him or watch over him like you would a toddler.

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

While you are one of the very rare fortunate ones who has stepchildren who love her madly and unconditionally, as well as an "amazing" and perfect husband, not everyone has that same situation. 

But you are certainly entitled to your opinion.  Although I don't think you needed to express it with sarcasm directed towards a poster who is obviously hurt and upset by HER step situation. 

In OP's case, she is not lucky like you.  She has a teen stepson who does not love her madly and in fact, some might say he is inflicting mental terrorism on her.  For a teen boy to say things to a first-time pregnant woman about how "things that can go wrong" is flat out cruel and ruthlessly intentional.  He's old enough to know better. 

That alone is enough reason for SS to go elsewhere until he understands that kind of behavior is not acceptible.  

OP also mentioned that all the baby's furniture/gear is crammed into her bedroom since the (only) second bedroom is dedicated as a room for SS.  Why should a mother and newborn infant be stuck in a bedroom 24/7 so that a surly, sullen teen boy can have the run of the rest of the house? 

Instead of her getting rid of her perfect dream perhaps it is time for SS to get rid of his perfect dream - he is no longer a small child and needs to start acting like he is a human being on the road to adulthood. 

 

stepmomnorth's picture

I agree with 2Tired. The stress from this kid sounds like it would be anxiety causing and no way to spend the first few days after coming home with a new baby. No, OP should not have to cram herself away and hide out in a cluttered bedroom while dealing with the intricacies of newborn feeding and bonding. She should be able to walk around the house peacefully, without the stress of SSs negative comments and she should be able to feel comfortable in her own living room, with a nursing bra. I don't know the details of the birth but for my own kids I had a C-section and I found it difficult to walk around, after major surgery. I wouldn't have wanted to do stairs for example.

I also had postpartum depression and hiding away in a bedroom added to the stress and depression in my case. That is my own personal perspective. I also had difficulties nursing and had to try different nipple creams etc, frozen cabbage and I wouldn't have felt comfortable with a teen boy around during all of these difficulties in the first week. No one should have to hide away in a room just after giving birth!!! 

Tried out's picture

agree! And I don't think belittling a new mom for wanting a "hallmark moment" is at all fair, let alone helpful. This is her first baby, for crying out loud. She deserves this time with her baby and this is where her husband's focus should be, too - not entertaining a teen who complains he's bored and probably doesn't want to be there in the first place.

Gemini's picture

Her DH has two kids, he needs to make time and focus on both  kids, like many other parents do. It doesn't sit well with me for him to kick his son out because the OP doesn't feel comfortable having him there. Why is the OP's want to feel comfortable more important than the SS need to spend time with one of his parents? How do people who have multiple kids manage?  

Stepdrama2020's picture

I do agree.

However SM's are constantly reminded that this is a step family not an intact family. Never expect the skids to love you like their  own, but do your best to love the skids like they are yours. There will be times the SM is left out because of that, ok then, it can work both ways. 

Thats the thing about steps. 

OP will be a new momma, and this is one of the times she needs to feel comfortable. That being said I wouldnt say no to having SS there, but Id dang well hope DH could feel for OP and her needs right now.

Tried out's picture

Because she just had a baby? And as anyone who has brought a newborn home from the hospital knows, via birth or adoption as with my twin grandsons, not everything goes always as planned. The baby  is an unknown quantity and sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what works for them. And what you don't need is someone else around while you figure that out. Unless, of course, the additional person is going to take everything else off your plate so you can focus on the baby.

But what it isn't is a competition between step kids and a new baby. Different needs at different ages is part of life. Dad could plan a fishing or whatever vacation with just him and his son that would be a lot more meaningful than hanging around the house with a new baby screaming it's little head off.

 

Gemini's picture

I disagree. This is much more meaningful than the fishing trip. Dad shouldn't only be the fun dad but also be present to guide his son through these emotionally charged and life-changing events, like mothers are expected to do. I agree that OP needs privacy and sensitivity from her partner, but I don't think dad has to kick the son out to achieve this, especially since the son is already feeling left out it seems. How would dumping him one someone else help?

Tried out's picture

the new mother. And meeting his new sibling at a later date would deprive him of nothing. In fact, I think it's better for a skid to not be part of the coming home event. When things have settled down a bit the sibs meeting can focus on the skid rather than the newborn and hopefully ameliorate some of the natural jealousy or whatever that a new sibling can bring.

Mominit's picture

You're right.  The sarcasms was entirely inappropriate and I apologize.  I get frustrated when women become (in my opinion) demanding "just becuase" they are new mothers. Knowing full well that SS stays with his father every summer this was very forseeable.  It's not a shock situation where BM died and suddenly he's here.  This is their reality.  And I truly appreciate the need to vent, and stamp feet and even have a good cry about the loss of a dream.  But once that is done, it's time to pull on those big girl new Mom shoes and get on with getting on. 

No, I don't think the child should be kicked out.  I think DH should stay home for the first few days and kick SS's selfish butt if he steps a toe out of line.  Or OP will either have to stand up for herself, or get past the fact that SS will be a rude jerk and it matters not a whit to her - she just goes on about her day ignoring the kid for the brat he is.  If she truly doesn't want to deal with her husband's child what I gave was just a suggestion.  Make your room your palace.  Move in a rocking chair, get books and drinks and treats to eat without having to leave the room.  Make it a little room for just the two of them any time DH is not home.  And if she's feeling up to it physically, go for a walk outside the house.  But a few days of hibernating in with the newborn while they learn each other's routines is not unheard of socially.

turnerl2022's picture

I totally see both sides to it I really do. I have angel and devil in my ears daily over all kinds of things, trust me. Half of me tells myself what you have told me and half of me thinks you know what you are totally okay to have these natural feelings. He doesn't stay with us every summer, he is here because they all think he would enjoy the experience... But so far he isn't and I knew he wouldn't, infact he has made so many remarks when his new baby sister is mentioned that show his jealousy... What I don't understand is why straight away when I am about to have a new baby is he suddenly staying for weeks. If it wasn't summer he wouldn't be here, he'd be at school... With phone calls etc and we would go and visit him like we usually do. 

 

I totally get him spending time with his father and I encourage this of course, it's not like I'm saying I don't want him around. Infact I very much treat him as my own, but like the person who replied to your comments said... There's no love back, just attitude and no gratefulness for everything I do. I don't feel entitled at all, all I'm asking is to feel comfortable in my own home, even just for a day or two to get my head around everything... I'm the most hospitable person I know, always putting in 200000% effort to try make him feel welcome and to treat him like he was my own. I'm blabbering on now but just trying to get my point across. I just feel like if i was to bring it up with my partner that I look like the bad one, and also I think the damage is done in a sense as he wouldn't understand how truly crappy it is for me until he sees how uncomfortable I am, which I'm so far managing to hide well... But I can feel myself building up with anger and irritation which isn't in my usual nature.

Of course I saw SS in my vision of how I saw my life with my partner in all situations... But again, he doesn't live with us and he wouldn't be here if it wasnt for the summer holidays so it's bad timing. But also don't see how my partner hasn't considered just even waiting to get baby here and then he come and stay afterwards. I've made my room as heavenly as possible, trust me I have. But why should I be the one hiding away in my room??? I intend to do lots of walking as that's what I do for joy anyway.

I don't see myself as demanding, I just want my home for me whilst becoming a mother... To enjoy these precious moments that life is made of, even just for the day. That's all I want... Im not great at wording things, so maybe if I was I could get my point across a bit better but i think ive done a fantastic job to be honest!! I've made many sacrifices and I've put my heart and soul into the boy and my husband. I never ask a thing from anyone, I'm very giving... Which I sometimes think is even more reason to get what I want over something as important as this even more than if I was wicked stepmother who threw around demands like sweets. 

stepmomnorth's picture

You sound like a very lovely, thoughtful and caring person. I don't think it's unreasonable whatsoever to ask for a few days or a week when the baby comes so that you can feel the most comfortable in your own home for a one time thing, a special occasion, the birth of your child.

To add.. You are not saying you never want him around.. It's a simple request for a few days of privacy 

2Tired4Drama's picture

The vast majority of people see your point and find it is reasonable. You don't need to get your point across to us, as we completely understand. 

"He doesn't stay with us every summer, he is here because they all think he would enjoy the experience... But so far he isn't and I knew he wouldn't, infact he has made so many remarks when his new baby sister is mentioned that show his jealousy... "

This is a HUGE red flag, IMO.  Who is the "they" who thought it would be a good idea for SS to be there?  Especially since he doesn't normally spend his summers with you?  Was it BM?  Was it your DH?  

 

 

Tried out's picture

being demanding. Put that thought out of your head.

shamds's picture

Ss was living with us and was 17.5 when my daughter was born and almost 19 when my son was born.

hubby was present at all dr meets and vaccination appts for our kids and during my pregnancy so ss didn't ever get priority here.

ss was in college and home every few weekends and just the weekend only. If ss needed to do shopping for supplies well he either went on his motorbike or would have to wait for us to come back home in the afternoon.

when i delivered my ss was living with us but when it was time to go to the hospital, he was told we were going and hubby would be busy. 
 

my 1st child I remember how overwhelmed i was, how we were made to feel like 2nd class citizens and an inconvenience or burden on hubby and that was not the support i needed or wanted. I was in tears with my dad overseas by week 5 as I completely broke down. My dad even wanted to call my hubby to have a talk with him but i told him not to.

its such a crazy time and if ss is younger and not independent and doesn't normally live there, its not wrong for your husband to bring up with his ex that she needs to have him. After all what does custody order say?

if bio mum is palming off ss to your house but still collecting cs when not caring for ss during her time, thats costing you more money because you have more costs. 
 

you need to have that talk with hubby that baby needs room more than ss since he is rarely here. With limited bedrooms in a house, permanent members of that household get priority for a room.

Rags's picture

There is nothing normal and rarely much that is reasonable when a blended family situation is in play.

So as normal as your desires are, be ready to not get what you hope for on this.  

Rather than not telling your DH, you need to tell him. If  you say nothing, there is a zero chance of what you want to happen happening.

Tell DH directly that you want your first days as a first time mom to be between you, the baby, and the baby's father.  Elder Half Bro can join the process in a reasonable horizon.

 

Winterglow's picture

I hate that people are using the term "kicking him out" when all that needs to be done is to exchange a couple of weeks with his mother. what's so bad about that? Sending older kids to their grandparents happens all the time in intact families when a sibling is born! Heck, I spent 3 weeks with mine when my brother was born. 

Heck, an NCP doesn't even have to take their visitation time. I presume that it's OP's dh who is insisting that his son would enjoy the experience (yeah, like this is all a spectator sport). Time to set him right. If he can't understand how awful this makes you feel, go to family or friends when you leave the hospital, wherever you feel respected and comfortable. 

Winterglow's picture

Ok, let's look at this from the kid's point of view. He's been spouting negativity since he arrived, showering OP with thoughts of what can go wrong, has anyone considered that possibly the last place on earth where he wants to spend his summer is in a small house where there's a newborn making noise and smells and where nobody has the time for him? Sounds like hell for a teenager. He must feel like he's being punished for existing. 

OP, how old is he? 

turnerl2022's picture

He's having fun with his dad... I can tell. It's when I'm around just the two of us it seems he changes. It's 'I'm bored, I'm bored'... He wont help me with anything, or offer. Even though his dad tells him to help me.

He wants me to make him lunch, moans about what I cook for dinner... He only wants certain this and that... No thanks for anything, no gratitude whatsoever. I do everything for him. He says things to me when his father isnt around like 'you'll need to go back to work after the baby you can't expect my dad to pay for everything'...

He threw something that his dad was supposed to catch but he aimed it at me and it hit me... He's got no respect. I know im blurting all this out but i dont know where to begin. 

He hates the name we've chosen for baby and says he wont be calling the baby by that name, he will have to call it something different he says. He says he wont share anything with baby or be there for them when they're older. He says he wants everyone to know that he is first born. We have done everything to try and include him. When he usually stays I take him on days out and we go all over but now I'm heavily pregnant that has stopped as obviously I'm staying close to home and just trying to relax. Ive noticed he has resented me more and shown more attitude since being pregnant... I know the feelings must be hard on him, don't get me wrong i totally empathise for him. But what more can I do. He isnt the first child in the world to watch his dad remarry and have another baby, we have done everything every step of the way to include him and make him feel a part of it all. I'm at a loss... And makes me think what will he really be like as a half brother. Or is it just a typical teenager phase. 

 

Winterglow's picture

Stop doing anything for him. No more cooking, no more nothing. By the time he's a teen he should be able to fend for himself. Right now, you should be concentrating on you. He is not your problem. If he whines, tell him to call his father. 

Please also record all of the hateful crap that he's spouting. 

Whose idea was it for him to spend the summer with you if he isn't usually there? @¹

turnerl2022's picture

I did post about the circumstances around BM not being in the picture but the post said it was being reviewed by the admin and then will be posted once approved but doesn't look like it has yet Smile SS lives with grandparents. He goes to an amazing school where he was brought up so he stays there for that reason. DH pays for everything for him and commutes to see him. It was DH mother and father, SS's grandparents, who thought it was a good idea for him to be with us. My friends who already have children who have recently had another child, usually send their other kids off to grandparents whilst they get to grips with a newborn... So i fail to understand anyones logic around me why he needs to be with us right now. 

Rags's picture

When my two younger brotrhers were born I stayed with neighbors while my parents were away at the hospital and for a few days after they returned with the new baby.  My oldest brother (#2) was with me when mom and dad were away having #3 and for a few days after they brought the baby home.

I was not banished, or kicked out. My parents had parent and baby stuff to do and they did it. I was not hurt, traumatized, or otherwise inconvenienced. It was all very exciting.  I looked forward to meeting each of my  younger brothers when mom and dad brought them home.

I am not sure why this topic is so energized for blended families.  I would tie that to crappy parents and partners, and ill raised elder spawn more than to the actual event.

This is one of those "tough shit" and "suck it up" things if an X or an elder child has an issue with it.

IMHO of course.

 

turnerl2022's picture

You're totally right. It seems to be big deal for me right now somehow... If it were my child they would be at ex partner or whatever the arrangement was... And when baby was on their way it would be grandparents or still ex partner looking after them until we were sorted with newborn. I think it's my lack of control or 'say' in this situation... And how easy it seems for others whilst they bring a new one into the world compared to me right now who pretty much feels like they're choking for air inside their own home and having their home taken over when all I want to do is chill out. Other posters are correct as well in saying I really need to take a step back and just give up trying to do everything. 

AgedOut's picture

stop. stop worrying, stop waiting on him, just stop. you are soon to give birth and having an angry, jealous teenaged forced on you is not helping your stress levels. Stop preparing meals, stop tending to others, take time to find your balance. You are about to be a mom, savor this feeling. Don't let anyone shame you out of enjoying your final non-mommy days. shame on anyone who does try to make you feel bad. WTF. 

Ispofacto's picture

You deserve your privacy right now.

It's one thing to have a bio child around when you're heavily preggo or freshly calfed, it's another thing to be around a stranger.  Sore veejay, engorged boobs, leaky sore nips.  No way do you want to be exposed to a teen boy.

 

Rags's picture

As a non breeding SParent, I just had never thought about that part.  

My brother, SIL and I lived together when my niece was born. Her dad and I were finishing engineering school.  I was all in as a 3rd party to the pregnancy, running for my SILs odd food cravings at all hours of the day and night, dozing on the sofa as my SIL did Cathy Smith Pregnancy Aerobics in our living room, I was at the hospital when my niece was born, though not  in the delivery room, etc... We lived together until my niece was 5mos old.  I stayed on my half of the house and let them do their young family thing unless they needed me to take baby duty, run for supplies, bring my SIL tissues for her post partum tear fests, change diapers, etc...

But... these things mentioned above were not on my RADAR screen.  I became a "dad" to a 2yo when my bride and I married. I got in on the late diaper phase, but... missed all of the post delivery challenges that my wife had to deal with.

turnerl2022's picture

I'm still sat upstairs in our room sobbing. I actually feel like I want to get out and move out and go stay with my parents down the road... Which is not something that I ever thought would cross my mind. I feel like i cant breathe here. I try and do everything, all housework... Everything. I think im mentally and physically exhausted. And just dont care about much right now, when I'm about to become a mother and feel like I should be happy and joyous. 

Winterglow's picture

Stop cooking, stop doing the house work, call your parents ASAP, and tell them everything.You are clearly exhausted and need some relief. You are in serious need of some moral support. Call them now! 

Merry's picture

Agreed! It is HEALTHY to ask for help when you need it.

You sound exhausted and defeated, and that you're disappointed in yourself for not being able to handle an impossible situation.

What is your DH doing to help you? Does he know how uncomfortable you are? I don't think hiding that from him is doing you any good. If he doesn't know there is a problem, he can't do anything to fix it. Maybe SS would be GLAD to go back to his Mom's instead of experiencing everything a newborn brings -- he's made it clear that he's not going to bond with the baby, so why is he still there?

Tried out's picture

parents house for a few days or a few weeks for emotional and physical support.

Seriously. Why not, if it gives you the space you need?

AgedOut's picture

call your folks to come over for a sit down w/ you and your hubby. you are draining yourself and that's not good for you or the baby. you cannot and should not be dealing with a hostile almost adult who already shows great hatred toward you and the baby. 

CLove's picture

I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now.

Congrats on your impending bundle of joy.

Skid should be at moms, so that would take pressure off you...and he would not be "bored"! I hate that phrase anyway. Im not a teen entertainment center...get over yourself.

turnerl2022's picture

Thank you so much Smile xxx it's so easy to take on the 'i'm bored' phrase and let it totally pull you under... But truthfully making their own entertainment is part of using imagination and their own initiative... Deffo we are not teen entertainment centers... I can agree xxxxxx

Big hugs back xxx 

Rags's picture

Give your DH clarity of what he WILL do. Including what he WILL do with SS while you and DH welcome the new baby and have your first few days with the little one.

You are about to give this new baby life, you get to call all of the shots. So call them.

Congratulations on the little one.

Gemini's picture

OP', your feelings are understandable but now it is clear why the SS is acting this way. His father is going to have a new child that he's going to be raising, while for some reason, he is being raised by his grandparents. Sometimes we expect too much out of mere kids. How can this kid not feel resentful.in this situation? As for for your DH, his parents are already doing him a favour by raising his son for him, because frankly, raising him should have been your DH's responsibility all along. To me, it's not as black and white as other people are making it to be.

EveryoneLies's picture

The child feeling resentful doesn't entitle them to be an ungrateful brat. The issue he has is with his parent, not the stepmom. I don't know why stepkids are never asked to be considerate towards stepparents when Stepparents are often required to sacrafice many things for a child they didn't bring to the world.

apologies in advance if i sound angry, I don't have a SS acting like an angel to me.

Tried out's picture

family situation but that is not OP's fault.

Nor is it her responsibility to fix it by sacrificing her own needs at such an important point in her life. Her responsibility lies with her child and her child alone.

Trying to make her feel guilty and therefore responsible for her husband's past choices serves no one. 

Gemini's picture

Where did I say that it is OP's fault? My point is that her DH has already dumped the boy on his grandparents for his entire life. It his responsibility to take care of his own son. HIS responsibility. Not hers. So her DH should do just THAT and face the consequences of the choices he's made.

EveryoneLies's picture

So OP's DH should take his responsibility somewhere else, so OP can take responsibility to her baby and herself. We all wish this world is all roses and butterflies, but the reality is that OP's SS is no freaking angel. It really doesn't sound like he'd feel sad missing out the baby being born anyway. It's not her job to make sure the stepson feels good about himself, and definitely not after him being a jerk to her. 

Tried out's picture

be the one who suffers for dad's past decision to have his son raised by the grandparents. She is not responsible for that decision and should not have to sacrifice herself and her newborn for it.

stepmomnorth's picture

So I don't understand the POV, a teen can't go one week out of the whole year so that someone can have a week of privacy right after they give birth? 

2Tired4Drama's picture

And I've been on here 10 years.

I cannot understand those who want to keep wagging fingers at OP to show how right they are about the poor neglected teen SS and his right to be a priority over a new mother and infant. 

There may be a lot in this situation that needs to be resolved but I remain firmly in the camp that this is not the time for a mean-spirited teen to be underfoot. 

And it's certainly not the time to badger a pregnant woman with pro-stepkid sentiment when she is obviously distraught, heartbroken and was just looking for a place to vent.  

As Rags always ends, "IMHO"

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Give your DH the option, either SS goes back home until after the baby arrives and you are ready to see him, or you go to your parent's house. You are clearly stressed to your breaking point and at this point it doesn't matter if it is "right or wrong" - it is how you feel. The only reason the kid is at your house is because the Grandparents thought he should be there. He is a teenage boy who obviously has no interest in the new baby. Do what you need to do for yourself - right now.

As far as the family dynamics - those can be sorted out later.

Winterglow's picture

You didn't say why BM wasn't in the picture - where are her parents?

Is it possible that your DH wasn't very involved in BM's pregnancy and his son's birth? If that's the case then you can bet your bottom dollar that he is totally oblivious  as to how you feel and what is going to happen. The media have forever represented mothers with newborns as "Mdonnna" mother and child stereotypes which is so far from reality as to be laughable. He needs a lesson in the truth. Don't bottle it up any more. It's his right to know what's going on.

Your SS is so unhappy about staying with you that he's looking for ways to make you miserable. Ask your DH what he's getting out of this because you and SS are geting absolutely zilch.

Finally, I hope you've contacted your family ...

ESMOD's picture

I have read a lot of the replies here and wow.. this kid is being allowed to behave pretty poorly by his father.

BUT.. I will say this.  I think the situation his father has is pretty darn "f'ed" up.  He has a son.. who's mom is not in the picture.. and instead of having full custody of his own child.. he has an apartment.. a new partner and is having a new baby.  Yeahhhh he is giving monetary comp to his parents.. and seeing the kid occasionally.. but IMHO he has massively dropped the ball on being a parent to his older child. 

AND.. I can see his older child being completely peeved and cheesed off about his dad moving on.. having a nice little life.. having another kid who will enjoy all the benefits of having a full time father in his life.. with parents that actually "want" him.. instead of being shoved off on the grandparents.

How could this teen not be jealous.. angry.. resentful.. and why would anyone ever think he would behave better than he is.. "he should know better".. yeah.. well his dad should have known better to raise his son instead of sending the kid to grandparents.  He could have been more than a PT father to the kid.. but he wasn't.. and it is incredibly niave to think the kid is going to maturely accept this.

That being said.. the throw the dog off the end of the pier to teach him to swim method isn't likely to improve things.  His son should have been a much bigger part of this household before this baby was even a twinkle in someone's eye.. he should have been more included..and the growing pains of making a "new" family unit.. should have happened before a baby was brought into the situation.. and now.. you can't expect OP to deal with a rightfully surly teen while she is getting ready to embark on one of the most important and challenging "journeys" of her life.

So.. she needs to tell her SO that the kid needs to go back to the GRANDS NOW.  and that he needs to make a plan to heal his relationship with his son.. but he can't do it by putting all the weight on her when she is already dealing with quite enough with a baby about to come into the world.  This isn't about "sending him away".. it's about his dad doing the right thing for all his kids.. and the situation isn't healthy for anyone right now.

HIs plan with his son could be a plan to move to a larger home that would easily accomodate everyone.. to spend more quality time with his son.. therapy etc...

ndc's picture

OP, I'd be heading off to my parents. You need to take care of yourself and get yourself into a relaxed, mentally healthy state before the baby comes. That clearly cannot take place in your own home, so call your family and make it happen.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Man, your DH really botched this up, didn't he?

I see both sides of this, and I put the blame squarely back on your DH. I'm currently pregnant and have my teen YSK living with us full-time, and young adult OSS who lives with us during college breaks (but will live with us full-time for half of 2023 after he graduates with his BA in December). My first (and likely only) baby is due right before Thanksgiving. I don't have the option of sending YSK to their mom's house because of school, and OSS will move back in when I'm about 2 weeks post-partum.

Am I looking forward to having these two in the house while I'm bleeding and learning to breastfeed and probably riding an emotional rollercoaster? Nope. But, it's the reality of the choice I made when I married my DH. I knew there was a very real possibility that my SKs would live with us eventually, or that BM would do something to make sure the kids were either here or hateful toward the process. It's not right, but it's the reality that I agreed to.

However, me being pregnant has only added work onto my DH. I'm not the one doing all the housework, or all the cooking, or all the yard work. I do what I can and want to do, but the rest is on him. He deals with SK and BM issues. I've got enough going on just trying to work, keep myself healthy, and get to all my appointments (which have been bi-weekly for most of this pregnancy for a variety of reasons).

While I made the choice to enter into this dynamic, I also made is abundantly clear as to what my expectations were to my DH early on (because we discussed kids very early because we knew there would be issues with fertility). I give my DH a lot of credit - he has been doing his best to uphold those expectations we agreed on. I can't make the SKs go away and give us exclusive bonding time for jus the three of us, but I can certainly set boundaries of what I will and won't tolerate, and I expect my DH to enforce those boundaries if he expects me to stay.

We're swimming in the same sea, but you're in a vastly different boat. Your DH gave his son to other people to raise. They needed a break from SS and picked this time for it. Doesn't matter that they thought it was a good idea - they're not obligated to keep SS. Your DH is. Your DH failing to raise his son on his own, failing to have a home big enough to accommodate his son and new baby, failing to correct the bad behavior (assuming you've told DH about it), failing to pick up the homemaking duties while you're too pregnant to do them all (again, assuming you've told him) has led to this situation. Sure, you're responsible for agreeing to what is an unorthodox step situations that had the potential to be rockier than most, but your DH's job should have been to make the best of a bad situation. Instead, it seems he has chosen to ignore it.

So where do you go from here? Well, I think expressing very clearly what SS has been doing is a great start. I think telling DH that SS's room becomes a nursery when SS leaves is another great step. Tell DH he needs to find somewhere with a third bedroom for SS. Tell DH that he needs to either help more around the house or hire a cleaning service. Tell DH that SS will have to either be respectful of your healing time or he can stay in his room while you recover on the couch. Tell him explicitly what you need and want, and if he won't deliver, see if your parents will.

SS isn't fully to blame for this. As ESMOD said, he likely has a LOT of emotions about what is going on, and being happy for you all isn't likely going to be one of them. He may not be happy having to spend all this time with you all, either. It might be a good idea for DH to talk to SS about going back to his grandparents early, and talking to them about taking him back early. Might that hurt his relationship with his son? Totally - but after however many years of living with them and not Dad, and Dad not doing anything to make sure his home was set up for ALL his children, he has done a lot of that damage already. This will just be one more swing on the nail in the coffin.

Mourn that you're not getting what you thought you'd get. Accept your small part in this. Throw the rest back at DH to figure out, and demand that he do just that. You have enough on your plate this late in pregnancy that you don't need to deal with the psychological trauma that your SS has, much of which is likely caused by your DH and his ex-partner who he procreated with. If he can't or won't own up to this and do what needs to be done, go to your parents. Then none of that is yours to worry about.

Tried out's picture

Right now the big picture doesn't matter.

Whether DH made a good decision about having his son live with his parents doesn't matter. Why DH's parents wanted SS to be there for the birth doesn't matter. How SS feels about his dad having a new life and a new baby doesn't matter. Everybody else's experiences and  opinions don't even matter. 

Toss all of that aside. It really *isn't* your problem.

The only thing that matters is that you feel supported, you get some rest and know that your feelings matter. Go to your parents, have SS go somewhere else or some other alternative that gives you the space and support that you need in the next little while and after you bring the baby home from the hospital.

This is about you and your baby. If there was ever anytime when you need to put yourself first it is now. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

If she is, that is a really, really sad result but I don't blame her.

A first time poster who is distraught and came here because she probably thought it was a safe place to get some support and blow off some anxiety about her step situation.

Instead she got a fair amount of callous finger-wagging, indifference to her condition and very little consideration to what she's going through right now. 

 .  

Stepdrama2020's picture

I always feel for the OP's who are ridiculed and shamed. Dang they get enough of that from the step crappy life. Then they come on here believing other SM's have gone through this and she will feel safe. Only to make her feel worse, not understanding.

We can all have a difference of opinion. Thats what advice is about. However some advice turns into finger wagging , indifference...EXACTLY what you said 2Tired!

You are right on 2Tired4Drama

ESMOD's picture

I did not see very much "shaming"... although.. I do see her DH being called out.  There was a small amount of advice to understand that some of this was inevitable given the situation.. but almost to a man.. people have told her to set her boundaries with her DH.. and that much of her complaints were fairly reasonable... but that her DH needed to be the one to address them.