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I’m mentally exhausted

Tm's picture

For the past three days it's been nothing but fights with my husband. My stepson has wreaked havoc in our home and he's not even living here. My husband says I treat his son like a red headed stepchild and that he resents me for that. I've somewhat attempted to have a relationship with his son but he hasn't lived with us except for 6 months a couple years ago. He talked crap about me and my husband to his mother when he lived with us and as I previously stated he whined to go home because it was too hard at our home with all the rules. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to form a bond with someone who I rarely see and someone who is disrespectful. I announced to my husband today I'm going to therapy for my sanity and to work on the resentment I have towards his son, I also think the resentment has a lot to do with his mother and how she raised him. I also told my husband it's not my job to take care of this soon to be adult, this is on him and his ex wife to figure out but of course the ex wife is done and is now pushing him off on to us. He's supposed to go to jobcorps and my husband is taking off work to get him in but I'm wiping my hands clean because I have two younger children to worry about. I just want to laugh at this point because even the stepdad of his son cannot stand him and wants him out of the house so what makes my husband think I want him here acting like that. I just feel I'm being treated super unfair in this situation and my husband is guilt tripping me saying he needs my support. I said go to therapy and learn self care, this isn't my issue. I'm beyond exhausted.

hereiam's picture

People behave in certain ways that make them likable or not, doesn't matter if they are a step anything.

For your husband to think that you should overlook his son's behavior just because it's his son, is not realistic.

Your husband needs to focus on his son, on getting him launched, and trying to mold a decent, productive adult and quit trying to dicatate what your relationship to his son should look like.

He also needs to realize just who is to blame for the way things are.

Don't let him put a guilt trip on you. The kid has two parents and you aren't either of them. Just like your stepson tries to use manipulation, so is your husband. Don't let him.

Tm's picture

He's put the guilt tripping on strong today and said that we should let go of the disrespect and behaviors and not harp on them. I said well that's why he is the way he is because he's never confronted with what he's doing. I'm sorry but I'm not letting it go he's about to be 18 time to take responsibility for his actions and who he's hurting.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your H is taking his guilt, frustration, and fear out on you. He and BM have ruined their son; now your H finally has to do some hard things, and he's all up in his feelings about it. Boo hoo. I hope you can remain calm, maintain your boundaries, and not engage on the subject with him. Be the sane one, and stand firm for your kids' sake.

Tm's picture

I'm trying really hard to keep my cool in this situation but I've failed. The only thing keeping me going is my kiddos and their well being, I know I've got to focus on them. It's been very difficult for my husband to be confronted with his lack of parenting and his ex wife's but I see that stepmoms usually get blamed some how and I will not be blamed for it.

ndc's picture

Has SS already been accepted to JobCorps, as in met the low income requirement, passed the drug test, had an interview, etc.?  Or is that what your H is taking him to do?

I think it's great that you're planning to go to therapy to deal with this issue.  I hope the therapist gives you some advice on how to deal with your H and the guilt tripping.  His son's failures are in no way your fault, and it's just wrong of your H to try to place any blame on you.  Stay strong!

Tm's picture

He is going to be taking him to do all that. Hoping he doesn't test positive when he gets here but who knows cause mom has kicked him out so he's basically doing what he wants at the moment.

ndc's picture

Oh, I would not be optimistic about this.  Putting aside the requirements and potential wait times to get into the program, if SS doesn't WANT to do Job Corps, and lets that be known, he won't get in.  Is he going to be moving into your home while your husband tries to get him into Job Corps?  If so, how are you going to get him OUT if it doesn't work out?  It's hard enough before they move in, once he's there I'm sure it will be quite a fight to get your husband to kick him out.  

Tm's picture

Yea I think I'm screwed now. My husband agreed he wouldn't live here until after jobcorps but now because he's been kicked out with no where to go my husband is now obligated to bring him here. I didn't want this but he says he's going to whether I agree or not. I'm hoping my husband sticks to his guns on the jobcorp. If he doesn't go then It's truly on my husband to figure out. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, and I have children to take care of and nothing is going to hinder me from doing so.

Harry's picture

Job core is a fantasy of your DH.  SS will make sure he doesn't get in.  Or once in he will be thrown out in a week.  You can not have JobCore interfere with his screen time.  DH must take him to a motel , let him stay there.  BM's CS stoped and she was done with him.  

You must stay safe and sane.  You can't have a functional adult move into your home. And do nothing.  

SS must be out at 8 AM every day trying to get a job.  There are lots of places hiring people, he may not like them because they require actual work. But you have fast food, Walmart type of stores, food stores.  Cutting grass, digging ditches.  Ect.   He must get out at 8 AM. Have a list of places, and not come home until 5 PM. T

DH can take off of work. ....,sorry..LOL...  and supervise his job hunting.  You will not see SS all day because he's job hunting or working, 

OR. Start your exit plan.  As DH can room with SS, as not in your bed. DH can do the cooking and cleaning. 

Tm's picture

Absolutely and his Dad just took him all over to apply for jobs today. I told my husband he cannot be here sleeping all day with nothing to do. He will be going with his Dad to work all day this coming week because I don't trust him and I don't have the time or energy to babysit him and making sure he's doing what he's supposed to. He has been enrolled into a alternative program which is four hours a day no cell phones, armed security and metal detectors. This place does not play games. I told my husband the min he smokes weed in the home, brings uninvited guest or pulls anything he's out and I will personally throw his stuff on the curb.

Harry's picture

Once he feels SS is in the home the taking him everyday will stop. What is a four hour a day program going to do? What about the other 20 hours ?

Rags's picture

a write off.

Spoon feeding this kid his path through life will do little more than put you and DH on a path to yet another marriage.

I get the frustration, heck I  lived it as a teen myself then as a parent to a teen boy struggling with figuring out how to enter adulthood.  We used the chore bitch, beck and call boy, work his ass off approach until he figured out that food and a roof was not worth having to labor away for no pay a dozen hours a day for. So, he enlisted in the USAF at 18 and has kicked ass as an adult, man, and an Airman ever since.  He turned 30 yesterday is less than 9 years from qualifying for his USAF retirement, and is a confident, successful, man of character.

His mom and I could not be prouder of him.

As for your SS, have DH drop him off with a farmer or rancher and let them work his ass off for under minimum wage with zero OT uplift. Ag workers, do not get time and a half as I understand it.  He can sleep in a hay barn.