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He’s THAT way with his whole family

Newimprvmodel's picture

Not just his children. This doormat mentality.  And when I confront him on it I am the bad guy. 
so DH's nephew and his children visited for three nights. No problem. Until this morning. I went to change the sheets in guest room and DH said they had been washed already 3 times.  Hmmm. So one of nephews kids peed in the bed EVERY night they were here!  Smoke was pouring out of my ears.  Why was the child allowed to sleep in that bed 2 more nights after he peed??? My DH answer oh we thought there was a waterproof pad on it.  DID YOU CHECK???? Long story short huge pee stain and it is memory form mattress.  No topping and super absorbent. 
my DH reaction is classic him. He is angry at me.  Oh it's no big deal. I just can't fathom going to anyones home and allowing my child to essentially destroy their guest queen sized mattress.  He will never take my side. And never confronts his family.  The arrogance of his nephew.  
my only consolation is that is the guest room for HIS children on the rare times thry are here.  Lol.  

TheAccidentalSM's picture

How weird and rude of all involved?

Apart from that, have things calmed down with your family?

Newimprvmodel's picture

I never intended to care for my parents. I was never close with them and recognized the dysfunction from an early age. I thought I was free of it.  Until my mother left 5 yrs ago to live with her equally enmeshed and dysfunctional grown son. During this time I was essentially paying for all my fathers groceries etc as he often would call me complaining of no money. Clearly his pension was being used by his wife and son. Years ago I was very clear with my brother that he could not continue to have my father's pension and mothers credit cards pay his bills!!  There was silence. 
So now my father is living with me the past year and his health has markedly deteriorated and he is very frail. We have no help and basically can only work or go out for a few hours at a time. Yes I've contacted lawyers for Medicaid but because about 500k was blown through by brother/mother w/in 5 yrs and she would not cooperate, it is not even worth paying the 16k to get attorney involved. 
Crazily I continue to be harrassed/ threatened/extorted by mother/brother. Called every name in book by both of them. What are they angry about?  I closed parents bank acct a year ago and stopped my fathers pension going to them. 
So I hate having my father here. My husband hates it and say rightfully so that he did not sign on to care for an invalid.  I never wanted my father here. I have not spent a night away from home in almost a year. We are in our 60's and had planned to travel a bit.  No end in sight.  No money for any care or respite.  I am beside myself most days. I have severe GERD, gained 50 pounds and feel like crap. I only go to work or the food store. 
it's one thing to be forced to be a caregiver another when you are harrassed bullied and oh yeah the 20 or so fake wellness checks that mother calls in. 
The irony. She leaves and all their money goes to brother and she is caring for his kid while I  am left with all the mess and work. 
Any advice?  Their house was just sold. In a trust. But brother is trying to get control of it and outright says he wants all of it.  Money is tied up in that mess. 
so in many ways my DH is angry himself.  Rightly so. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I'm so sorry. I keep hoping things get better for you. (((Hugs)))

please keep us up to date. Even though we are strangers on the internet we are thinking about your horrors 

Newimprvmodel's picture

I've been sitting here all day trying to do some reports for my job but can't focus. Can't work. 
the worse part is the lack of control. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I would suggest looking into contacting them about your father's situation. It sounds like his money ($500K) was transferred without his full consent.  If mother/brother did this to enrich themselves, they make look at it as a case of elder exploitation - which may make the application for Medicaid easier.  Any attorney that wants to charge $16K to get a POOR ELDERLY PERSON Medicaid benefits is a charlatan.  There are lots of agencies out there who may be able to help and will do so without charge.

Look at your State's Elder Ombudsman program and see if they can suggest some resources for you.  If having your father is a strain in your home and you cannot take care of him due to his fraility, they may be able to give you contacts at the agencies who can help.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this situation, and then to top it off, have a DH who allows his Cro-magnon relatives literally pee all over your home.   

I hope you can soon find solutions - and peace - in your life.  

Newimprvmodel's picture

For applying for nursing home Medicaid 16K and in home nursing Medicaid is 7K. Flat rate. And the lawyers told us not to bother. 
the whole problem is my mother willingly paid all the bills using their money. The problem began when the money ran out and my brother did what he does best. Look for someone else to pay. 
Thanks for listening. It helps. 

sandye21's picture

"my DH reaction is classic him. He is angry at me."  Now, isn't that convenient!  You had nothing to do with this.  Your DH is using you as a punching bag instead taking responsibility for taking measures to protect the mattress.  Stand your ground and refuse to take any blame.  Let your DH pay for the new mattress.  Many times when they are hit in the pocket book, it helps them to see reality.

AgedOut's picture

he can assign you blame but you do not need to take it. his nephew's kid destroyed a mattress in your home... in no way your fault. tell him to go kick mattresses. 

Rags's picture

Sadly, it is either your dad, or your mom, who bear the brunt of the situation. Either continuing with the status quo, or engaging the authorities to shut down your brother and mother.

I would get the LEOs involved and let the cards fall on the legal consequences for your brother and mother.