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Worried we are losing them

loveallmygirls's picture

My SO and I have been together 10 years, married for 9. We have a 7 y/o together and he shares custody of 14 and 16 year old SDs with their HCBM. Recently it feels like we are losing them, and they don't want to come over much anymore. I think they just come over out of guilt now because they know it is going to hurt their dad for them to not be here. Their mother is a narcissist if I ever saw one...everything she does is big, grand, in your face, rules don't apply to her, she is never wrong about ANYTHING, etc. When the girls are with us, she is texting them once an hour on their leashes. If my DH texts her about an issue he is having with them, she makes sure to tell him how wonderful it is at her house, how she doesn't have these issues, etc. My bio daughter loves her sisters more than anything. I work with teenagers and I know they are incredibly selfish human beings by nature due to their development, so I really feel like I know what is coming... I am just scared that they are going to tell my DH they don't want to come over here anymore after we have made SO MANY life changes in order to make things easier for them, and we are just going to feel so destroyed. My youngest will be like an only child, because I cannot have anymore children and am at a point in my career where I really don't want another anywhere. We have put so much into making sure they have what they need while at our house, include them in everything, etc.I guess I am trying to figure out how to deal with the situation when it inevitably happens, without myself or my DH lashing out inapropriately based on our own feelings. 

I am sure someone else has been through this...any advice?

JRI's picture

They are 14 & 16, they are starting to have their own lives and probably chafe about "having to" visit Dad.  I'd chill about this and see what happens.  My guess is they will periodically make contact, probably when they need something.  It's bittetsweet when kids teach this age.

As far as your 7yo goes, I was the older sister, 8 years, 10 years and 17 years older than my siblings.  I dont know what they thought or felt, but the age difference meant I never gave them a thought.  I'm not trying to be hurtful when I say this, I'm just putting myself in the girls" place.

You sound like a loving, thoughtful person who wants to rmaintain the family ties.  The reality now is that the girls will determine how much they see DH, you and your child. Its a different relationship as they become adults.  I've been thru this with 5 kids, my 2 and the 3 SKs.  Each maintains the relationship on their own terms and time schedule and it's fine.

Rags's picture

It remains a misters to me why parents tolerate this crap from their children.  We never gave SS a choice of not visiting per the CO.  The only way he missed SpermLand visitation was if they refused visitation.  A  CO does not include the words "unless they don't want to".

They are lost only if daddy tolerates them being lost.

As for your DD being an only child, great.  That mitigates a significant level of risk regarding the influence of her fathers failed family progeny.

Our son (my SS) is an only child in our family.  He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock by three different mothers for his spermidiot.  Of the four only ours is of notable quality of character, intellect and performance.  #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison and #4 is following on the heels of #3.

Limiting a kids exposure to toxic is never a bad thing IMHO.  Which is why we never agreed to SpermLand visitation beyond what was specifically order.  They asked, the answer was always "read the CO".  We did not leave the choice of visitation to the Skid.  But neither did we Allie for more toxic exposure than was necessary.

Just my thoughts of course.