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Quick complaint - updated

Venti's picture

SO and I don't argue a lot but one of the things we have argued about is his kid not communicating what she's doing. We don't live together so on the weekends o don't have my kids, I go to his place because his kid is meant to be there every weekend. I get frustrated when she doesn't show with no communication and we've spent a weekend at his (with his mother) instead of at mine where we are alone, we haven't gone out in case she arrives, we have cooked only the meals she likes, etc. So he made the rule that she needs to tell him on Thursday night if she's not coming. Our last argument was that he doesn't enforce the rule so he promised that he was going to. Sounds great!

Thursday this week she says she's not coming Friday but will Saturday. He offered to come to mine Friday night but I said I might as well go to his since we'd have to go on Saturday anyway. I get there and kid is there! She changed her mind. Didn't tell anyone. When she arrived, he didn't message me to say there was a change of plan (like I always do for him if my kids happen yo change their schedule). He doesn't see that this is JUST AS BAD! Worse, he'd told her that I would be cooking both nights (I'm a better cook then him or his mother) and she turned up with bloody takeaways as though my meal would be unpleasant! 


Tried out's picture

Back in April you said "He knows that I'm out if he crosses my boundary."

Does this (and the other stuff since then) not qualify as a boundary crosser?

Because if it does, all you're doing is showing him he can do whatever he wants because your threats about ending the relationship are bogus. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Did you stay and cook for them?  If you didn't turn around and leave, then you just taught him yet again that you don't mean what you say.  That he can just keep disregarding you and your"boundaries ".   He might be a nice guy but he is not ready for a relationship with you.  He does not put you or himself first.  

You could have said " oh I see you have changed your plans.  I'll leave and let you to them.  Have a nice weekend and let me know when you are free. If I am too maybe we can get together . Bye. ".  Walk out the door and drive away.   

You have to find a way to respect yourself more.  Until you do, nobody else will.  

Tried out's picture

But he *is* putting himself first.

He's doing exactly why he wants which is to have his daughter with him anytime, anyway he can.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this. I'm sure he misses his daughter a lot and relishes his time with her.

But he wants this more than he wants to see OP.  And there in lies the problem.

This guy is nowhere ready for a relationship. He expects OP to adapt to and accept this crazy non-schedule, where she gets put on the back burner every time SD shows up. And that's just nuts.


Tried out's picture


Venti's picture

Instead I said nothing.

But I have decided I'm not going there again unless mother and daughter are NOT there due to ANOTHER event on Saturday. 

When I offered to cook I had asked what the kid would eat. He said pizza. So I made pizza dough, bought and prepped all the topping stuff, lugged it all to his place.


On Saturday at 4pm she told him she was going to the shop with her friend. He reminded her we were making pizza - don't buy too much crap. An hour later we went to do the grocery shopping. As soon as we walked in, he told me he was going to "talk" to her because they'd gone to buy pizza and he thought it was rude "although she probably just wanted pizza with her friend". I alternated between wanting to scream in rage and cry but I decided if we got him and she refused my pizza I was going to leave. 

But she exited her liar to put toppings on her pizza. While they were cooking the mother says that the kids didn't get their pizza because she had given them her card and it didn't work! So then I was super pissed that his mother enabled her bad behavior and was equally disrespectful to me.

The child ate her pizza. But took it into her room as always!

He isn't ready to make rules with them so I'm not going there ti experience the mess!

hregal2011's picture

That's hard.  I've gotten to the point that I make whatever the hell I'm going to make and if you don't like it then find yourself something else. Not my issue. (Kids are 15,16,17), and when they weee you get-if they didn't 'like' what I was making then they didn't eat.  (Obviously I'd try and make things that kids generally would like) 

I feel like the dad not going along with what they tell us about rules/boundaries is commonplace.  It's not right but it happens. I'm dealing with this Again myself, DH is responsive to the issue but it's still frustrating.

thinkthrice's picture

Is a cake eater.  He wants his cake and eat it too. 

Where is the CO? Why is there no visitation schedule? Let me guess...he wants his kid to feel "comfortable" and have an open door policy (TM)

He wants you as cook, house maid, possible ATM and bed buddy.  Thank goodness you haven't co habitated yet... this will just get worse. 


Venti's picture

He just rang and I said that I wasn't going to his place again. He was disappointed and tried saying he'd ask his mother to leave rather than lose me but I told him it's not just his mother so that wouldn't solve the problem.

He claims he had sent me a message saying the kid had turned up on Friday but we both checked our messages and neither of us had one. And he said he'd talked to the kid about buying the pizza but I don't actually believe that and that doesn't excuse his mother giving her the money.  Anyway, it's all excuses and I'm sticking to my guns and not going.