How naive I was
Bad day and I appreciate having a platform where people understand and I won't be met with "you knew what you were getting in to" because we all know, that you never do.
How naive I was to think we could have a "happy family" , how naive I was to think that DH would never come to resent the fact that I don't see SKs as my own flesh and blood that came out of my uterus. How naive I was to think I could start a family of my own without being overshadowed by SKs getting all of DHs raging guilt resulting in overcompensating on 50/50 time. I'm a monster because I don't cherish 'family' moments with all of my heart and soul and when we get them for the first weekend in several weeks, I'm so cruel because I'd rather do my own thing than all be together for the entire day. Many bio parents, especially of very young children, severely lack the emotional intelligence and awareness of the stark difference in bond between a bio child and step child. Step children are people that you either come to like, love, dislike, or hate. Fortunately, I do like them a lot and care about them as people. However, to accuse me of not wanting to spend the day with them and not care about the "joy in their eyes" of certain experiences is incredibly ignorant and just plain unfair.
I spent months on here before getting married and coming to the conclusion that I want my own kids and every testament or account by people saying "don't do it, it's painful and not worth it" , I just thought - but not for us! We're so in love and we're different!
I feel that because I don't see them through the lens of birthing them and how he sees them, I will forever be not good enough. It's not even about helping out with carpooling, bedtimes, etc. Its that my entire world doesn't revolve around children I never chose to have. I genuinely care for them and have great relationships with them and my input and discipline are valued - yet for the sole fact of not being inclined to spend every waking second with them while they're here, I'm made out to be some evil and heartless person.
It hurts and I wish so badly I could start a family with someone who would have the capacity to just focus on our own unit. This is why the seasoned steps warn against the situation to newcomers, but in a honeymoon phase, it's literally in one ear out the other.
Just needed to vent. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.