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Disengaged in March

stepmarch88's picture

Only a couple of months since I disengaged from SD13. She has decided to live with BM full-time, which has been the case for a month or so now. TBH it's all been pretty stressful and even heartbreaking, trying to explain it to my younger kids. DH wants to take our toddler down to our son's practice tomorrow so SD can see them and I'm not comfortable about it because SD is not trustworthy. I'm sure DH will protect our youngest but there have been many times when SD tortured the younger siblings when no one was looking. SD has told everyone that I am the reason why she can't reside in our house anymore. Who cares, right? How should I perceive that?

Still struggling to find peace with the situation and wrestling with strange feelings I haven't experienced before. Things are a million times better in our house now that menace girl is gone but it's been an adjustment. Cared for her since she was one year old and now she's 'gone'. I know I did the right thing by disengaging and separating myself from all the drama but now I hear it from my friends how SD is posting shit on social media like I love my dad but I can never forgive him for choosing another family instead of me. She's talking smack on DH (like she does on everyone) and he was like 'i don't care' because I don't think he really does. So why do I care? I can't understand it. Thoughts?

I'm Enough's picture

It hurts. I get it. My SD (in her 30's) posted a horrible Tictok (that a family member shared with me) saying horrible things about me and her dad to her 2,000 followers. When I called her on it, she became the victim. "It's my safe place, how dare you". So much for making accomadations for 30 plus years (looking back, she didn't ask for it). It's what it is. Hopefully you and I can both can get past the hurt, learn to disengage. Oh, and don't trust her with your bios. Enjoy your family time. She will be back.

stepmarch88's picture

Exactly. Anything to play the victim. Funny how it hurts sometimes but mostly it's a celebration that she's finally gone. Just didn't think I'd be labeled the evil stepmom cause I'm actually really nice and I've tolerated way more than most would've. It's all just left a bad taste in my mouth but you're right that we'll get over it and look back like it was just another challenge we had to overcome. Sad that she needs to take to social media for approval and make up lies about us but is what it is. That is usually her reaction too is this is my personal place where I express myself. And BM backs her most times. "She's just upset but I'll have her take it down" was her response this time. Upset about what? Being such a coward and victim? Yikes.

DH will supervise a 1-2 hour visit so SD can see siblings, not that she gives a damn about anything besides herself and phone anyway but meh.

"Wise men say only fools rush in". Step parenthood is a complete sham and bust.

stepmomnorth's picture

So many reasons on why this is so true and important!! And it's there for everyone to see, even if is posted on a private page, it's still inappropriate. These things are meant to be discussed behind  closed doors, privately and being respectful. Not airing out. It's a lesson that kids need to know. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Yeah, I wouldnt trust SD either after what's been done. The words she said were hurtful. My SS always played the victim as well. Our last interaction pretty much played out similar to yours. I cared for my SS as well and tried and tried but there were so many issues, he had a lot not problems among being alienated. One of his last words was he thought my partner was choosing me and my rules (laughable.. Common household stuff). But then "he was the victim", I forget why he was angry at my partner. Cause my partner said some harsh (but true) things.

stepmomnorth's picture

This social media stuff that kids post is such crap. I've never followed my steps so i have no idea what dumb stuff they post, I can only imagine. I would hope they wouldn't spew garbage about us but I wouldn't be surprised. Social media is so bad for teenagers. They use it in such a negative way. They are exposed to such garbage on there, hours per day on platforms such as tik tok and it becomes so important to them. They do feel safe there but at the same time, they also need to post respectfully and be called out on their shit if they talk bad about other people because that's never ok.

stepmomnorth's picture

BMs response, yes it does somewhat enable or defend SDs behavior when she responds with "she was just upset", I agree. She should just simply say the behavior was wrong and needs to be addressed

My partner texted his ex, saying that SS verbally abused me. SS yelled F*** You , loudly, an inch away from my face. He was mad at me for making him quiet down at 3am the night before. BMs response was "Oh well he felt triggered.". She didn't respond, that is wrong full stop, she defends him by saying he felt triggered!

I agree with you completely that is creating this victim mentality that they are justified in these actions rather than making the kid take accountability. Or god forbid apologize!! Bio mommy will defend the crappy actions. 

Crr18's picture

It is sad that it is both sad and happy at the same time when a skid stops coming around. My SD15 hasn't stayed since Easter(she was made to stay) and before that she wasn't overnight for a couple of weeks. She had said he didn't pay enough attention to her. We are coming to find out she just doesn't want parented by both him and BM.  I am sad it has come to this for my SO but then I am happy because it is one less person to deal with with. I am sure everyone that has this issues gets thru it. And I bet when it is time for something she needs she will be back around.Isn't so much of step life a challenge. 

stepmarch88's picture

Same. Wow that's weird that SD was actually made to stay at Easter too and since then hasn't returned. And she had always stayed couple of days before Easter. Now she's saying she doesn't want to go to the practice (always a shot caller) I agree that the only reason she wants to stay a night this weekend is because BM probably just wants to party and SD is going to pretend to revive the relationship with BF. Even though she talked all that crap about him on social media to which DH replied "i'm not going to let that affect my having a relationship with her". Then I think to myself good luck with that. For SD to say that DH chose our family over her is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my entire life. There is no telling what's going to happen if she does have the nerve to come here and stay a single night but my anxiety is through the roof already about it. It's OK because I've disengage and I know I don't have to trust her or even have much to do with her anymore. It's just sad because we have had some points where we actually had a relationship with each other and that's what makes it all confusing and depressing. Thanks for all of the feedback !

ESMOD's picture

I guess you could also go to the practice to oversee and if SD starts to get out of hand.. you can remove your bios?

Rags's picture

It can draw others into the insanity.  

Stop joining her shit.  Let her wallow in it.  You and DH stay away from her manipulative stench.

Other than to shred her actively on social media when she goes trolling for support for her delusional crap.  I would make that my fondest hobby.

Safe space my ass.   Public manipulation is not and should not ever be a safe space.  She drops her self delusional turds in a public forum, rub her nose it every one of them.