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No real Mother’s Day for me ?

SourGrape2122's picture

Am I wrong to be upset we did not celebrate Mothers Day ? I do *everything* for my SD8, lives with us full time...and am mostly disengaged from my SD10 although she lives with us full time.  She's just such a little b*tch.  My BS13 also lives with us full time.  My DH gave me a gift while we were alone two days ago but told me he did not want to mention to the SDs that it was mother's  Day because he did not want to fight with SD10 to call her BM. (Whom she has not seen or talked to in 2 years). DH did not remind BS13 it was Mothers Day at all, and the entire day went on like any normal Sunday ...and I'm kind of hurt about it. I'm the only mother any of these kids know, other than SD10 who is an absolute mess and causes nothing but chaos. She's never been in her mothers custody but has had some visitation with her and knows who she is.  While I appreciate the gift, I feel like I deserved some kind of recognition today. 

JRI's picture

I've never bern a person to go nutty over Mother's Day recognition for myself and that was true during the first 4 years when the SKs were here on a visitation status.  But, one year, OSS13 moved in in August, SS15 moved in in November and YSS11 moved in in May.  That gave me a total of 5 kids full time, including DS12 DD11.   I was stunned on Mother's Day to receive zero recognition from anybody while SD was busy orchestrating gifts for BM.  I was so sad and depressed, it felt like nobody saw how difficult it was to sufdenly integrate 3 children into our home, cope with their feelings of abandonment and manage my own and my kids' acceptance of our new life.

Of course, this all stemmed with DH who had never been good about gifts.  Things improved over the years but I learned one thing and that was to always make sure I have something nice to wear on Mother's Day, have something good to eat, to make whatever plans are necessary so that I'm happy on that day, regardless of whatever else happens or doesnt.

You are the only one who really knows what all you do, so take care of you on this emotionally-loaded day.

stepmomnorth's picture

I felt this way too when my step kids were younger. I had to deal with the day to day events with the kids, be in a somewhat motherly role with them, deal with everything that a biological mother would (including their tantrums and fighting) and when mothers day came I got zero recognition for any of it. No thanks or gift. It just felt like all of the work and more, and no reward. 

ESMOD's picture

Given the age of the kids.. your DH should have reminded them and helped them do the MD thing for you.  He could have even helped his daughters do MD cards to send to the BM. I guess... it seems kind of unfair to cut you short because the bM is a loser.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So what is your DH's expectation for Father's Day? Does he expect you to not tell his daughters and your son, and not plan something, because it might trigger hurt feelings in them (like his daughters being upset that they missed Mother's Day or your son since he doesn't get to see his father everyday)? 

Hiding the hurtful things doesn't take the hurt away. His daughters will eventually realize what he's doing, and that could be worse than dealing with the situation in the moment. It also sounds like he didn't remind them not because it would hurt them, but because he didn't want to deal with their fallout.

Additionally, given how you've stepped up for his kids, it would have been super easy for him to pull your son aside separately and say "hey, Sunday is Mother's Day but it's a hard day for the girls, so here is $50 and I want you to take your mom out to a movie but keep it a secret." At 13, your son could have easily kept the secret, and your DH could have easily planned something.

I think it would be totally appropriate to tell your husband that while you appreciate the gift, you don't appreciate having to pretend you *don't* mother his girls and that him trying to protect them also meant you missed out on Mother's Day with your own son - who also misses out on a special day with you. Either you all don't celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day as a family OR he needs to get his head out of his arse and deal with the issues his daughters have. If OSD can't even be reminded it's Mother's Day without her having a breakdown, then OSD needs therapy. She has an entire lifetime ahead of her facing mother-centric events, and hiding her from those and the feelings with that without providing her the skills to cope is a recipe for disaster.

As ESMOD said, it's unfair to cut you short just because BM has problems being a parent, whether by her own choice or circumstance. It's one thing to keep Mother's Day low-key because it stirs up strong feelings. It's a whole other to pretend the day doesn't even exist, to the point of making the decision that your own son shouldn't get to celebrate with you, either. And before anyone comes at me with "but he's 13 and should know when Mother's Day is", I'm a whole-a$$ adult and don't realize when it is until I see signs at the store or the day pop up on my work calendar. Any holiday that is based on a day of the week versus a set date gets a pass from me.

SourGrape2122's picture

BS13 eventually realized it was Mothers Day about 11pm and profusely apologized and genuinely felt awful he had not akwkowledged it.  I explained to him why nothing had been said and even he at 13, agreed how messed up it was.  He apologized again today.  And all of that makes me angry also . He should not have been made to feel bad over DH's short comings. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

My advice? Confront DH like I recommended and end with this:

"BS felt awful and apologized repeatedly to me. I never want him to have to do that again. He and I are going out this weekend to make up for it, and I'm not going to lie to your girls as to why we're going out if they ask. And in the future, I will not pretend Mother's Day doesn't exist."

Stepdrama2020's picture

Wrong wrong on SO many levels.

I would be hurt too. Its like you are expected to step in and be motherly, YET lets keep mothers day a secret. Like since when is mothers day a dirty lil secret.

Your DH is modeling to the SD's and BS that you are  just aint important. I highly doubt none of the skids knew it was mothers day. Dont they address this in schools, or is that a no no in todays world? A mother does not have to be a birthing person to wish happy mothers day.

Shame on him, forget the WHY he does it. It should be shame on DH period.  

"Hey SD's its mothers day sunday and we really should acknowledge your SM for all that she does"

Dang now I totally get your username sourgrapes. I would be too.

So HUN Happy mothers day . You are awesomely awesome.

SourGrape2122's picture

Actually in our district they don't make gifts for Mothers/Father's Day out of sensitivity for those that don't have one or the other.  They don't even refer to "parents" or Mom & Dad often, and rather use "the adult who takes care of you or the adult in your home ". Children being raised by grandparents, relatives, in single family homes or foster care is pretty rampant in our area. But....that's not an excuse for DH to ignore the day because he didn't want to deal with OSD's behavior...which is all it was, and totally unfair to me. I realize that now.  

PetSpoiler's picture

I totally get it. My SS lived with us for longer than he lived with his mother.  He called me Mom. I stepped in and did the mom thing, he even acknowledged that once. But yet a few years ago all I got was a text. Then a month later he's texting my husband to take us  out. He probably would've left me and our bios out if he knew my husband would go along with it. He probably knew that my husband would decline the invite.  So I got a text that Mother's Day, he pulled up in my driveway, drove past here, and picked up my MIL who was living by us. Yet he claimed that he thought of me as his mother. Sure, ok, my magical unicorn and I totally believe that. He had only recently started acknowledging my husband on Fathers Day!  That was only because She Devil's dad passed. How stupid do they think we are? Is he obligated?  No, not necessarily, but couldn't he at least spring for a card?  Come on! 

how2step's picture

So wrong on many levels. He should be wishing you happy mother's day before anyone considering all you do. Wow.