What to do with a stepchild that still hates me 7 years later
Forgive the length but I wonder if it's better to set the story first. Seven years ago I married a woman with a 12yo daughter. The father has never been in the picture and the daughter does not even know who he is. My wife had a lot of help raising the daughter from her two brothers and her parents.
i perceive one of the brothers as the 'father figure''. The SD seems to care most about his approval and if he likes something she will probably like it. As an example even a few days ago my wife and I were making sandwiches and mentioned to me that SD wouldn't want mustard. SD overhears and said she wanted it on there.
"when do you like mustard?" My wife asked, surprised.
"(Brothers name) introduced me to it" the SD replied.
This has been a common theme since the beginning. If he discovers a soda or something he likes then the SD will want us to get it.
I'd like to think that normally I wouldn't have a problem with her worship of the uncle expect for one thing: she has hated me from the beginning. There's nothing good about me. Now if she 'hated' or had an attitude towards other people in general I could just count myself in that crowd but it seems to only be directed at me. She has a wonderful relationship and loves to see both of her uncles and her grandparents.....just not me.
And so I've developed a chip/resentment over even hearing about the uncles out of her mouth. It seems sometimes I can't go a day without hearing her mention them....and it's always positive. A bunch of us were helping put away things at a wedding and someone complimented her on grabbing the right screwdriver. "My uncle taught me all about tools and....".
i'd like to think that if I was considered at least a 'friend' or on a friendly level I would be content. I'd like to think that i'm realistic and it's not that I want or need to be 'Dad' I just don't want to be the only piece of sh*t in her entire life.
So now I am at the point that she is 19yo and I still deal with it. She avoids me all day every day unless she is required to speak to me. She has learned to go along with communicating with me to not get in trouble but it's obvious she just wants to get past me and in to her room. Then I hear her laughing and having a great time 2 minutes later on the phone with an uncle.
I am at the point that I am considering suggesting she move to a family members house (maybe with an uncle). My wife and I have discussed this before. I admit I am not completely comfortable with this bc I don't want my SD to feel like her mom 'chose me' and I will feel like a failure. I guess I am at the point that I feel I have little to lose.