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Good weekend but never lasts

Newimprvmodel's picture

So SD and her boyfriend have been here since Friday. Things are going very well. I give she and her father lots space and her bf does as well. I am in the kitchen a lot baking.  I did not offer to make them breakfast as I usually do and finally DH did!  We watched movies yesterday and was about to get up to get a glass water and SD stopped me, got up got me and said she really appreciates all I do!  That meant the world for me.  
I am expecting however that when they leave it will go back to  sharing her father with little engagement beyond that.  My daughter sees it as nothing personal. It has to do with the trauma of divorce and the nasty court battles that ensued.  
she did bring gifts for us all. I did not get gifts for them. 

tog redux's picture

What do you mean by "sharing her father with little engagement beyond that"? I agree it's not personal, it's about your SD and her circumstances and beliefs. 

Newimprvmodel's picture

But are friendly when we see them with our mutual friends.  We all have acquaintances like that. I don't know if there is a solution. Maybe I could have reached out more. Take her out shopping or go to lunch together.  So much baggage over the years. But I do find it's just a nice weekend for everybody. 

tog redux's picture

But she could reach out too, and she doesn't. Civil but superficial with skids is not a bad place to be, IMO. For whatever reason, that's all that it can be. I am like that with my SS21 - I have zero contact with him except when we see him (once in 2021, and that was us picking him up for dinner). When we do see him he's civil and respectful to me, and I am to him. Given his enmeshment with BM, this is the best I can hope for (and all I want). DH feels the same - they text back and forth but he knows he can't be close with him because of his unhealthy relationship with BM).

2Tired4Drama's picture

Remember that. Even if SD showed a glimmer of humanity over the holidays, it doesn't mean she's changed her stripes. Be forewarned and don't let down your guard.

So she bought you a few gifts and you didn't reciprocate. Big deal. Think back over the years about all you did for her and you will probably find the scales are still very much tipped in your favor. 

Let her go. Literally and figuratively. If your DH decides to engage with her so be it. You don't need to be part of that engagement -thus, disengage. 

CajunMom's picture

Enjoy the "nice" visit but recognize, "it is what it is" and enjoy it for that. When I was still seeing DHs kids, that's pretty much what we had (except no gifts and no one would have ever offered to get me a drink). And I so wish I'd accepted that instead of trying for something more. Maybe the future will bring us back together...who knows. BUT if it does, it will ONLY be civil and superficial. I'll never strive for anything deep with DHs kids.....regardless of what they do because I know how they can turn on a dime and be hurtful people.

So, enjoy the snippit of "nice" and don't read anymore into it. 

Birchclimber's picture

Yes, I agree with some of these comments.  Never get too comfortable with their "token" gestures of kindness.  She may have brought you the glass of water, more for the optics of the event, rather then as a true and genuine act of kindness. 

What I mean is that, your DH saw that BIG demonstrative move and he heard her acknowledge that you do so much for them.  Now she looks like the "good guy" and clearly, she is the one trying to mend the relationship.  The next time she pulls a fast one on you, (and it WILL happen) and you call her out on it, your DH will remind you of all of this, and then he will be able to suggest that; Maybe YOU'RE the problem, Newimprvmodel.

I no longer trust ANYthing that my SDs do for me, especially the YSD.  I always believe that there is an ulterior motive and sadly, I'm always right.

Newimprvmodel's picture

How DH will defend his kids even indefensible actions.  I just can't win and if I try to we just end up arguing. But I know that it's not me and DH can't admit his offspring is a shite.  
The daughter who is here now is very nice.  Keeps me at a distance but has not been unkind to me. 
It's her sister who is the problem.  That one is enmeshed with mommy bee. 

tog redux's picture

That's why just keeping it just civil and respectful on your end makes the most sense. You can be nice to them when they are around but make zero effort to connect with them when they aren't. For the one who is more genuine, maybe more can develop, maybe not. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Yep, Rags nailed it. 

Renewed's picture

It sounds like I don't know enough of the back story but I'm a believer in keeping doors open. People do sometimes grow up and start trying harder to be part of the solution.