You are here

It's The Little Things

CajunMom's picture

Today is the kids' Bonus Mom's birthday (and yes, she is a bonus in our world). I sent a text to remind my adult kids. One had completely forgotten and thanked me. 

Considering how DH's kids used my birthday for years as a weapon to hurt me (knowing how much I loved a simple Happy Birthday greeting), I am mindful about these things with my ex's wife. She did nothing wrong and would never deserve such crappy treatment by our kids. They always remember her on Mother's Day and Christmas but can forget birthdays and after what's been done to me, I don't want her to think our kids are doing that PA crap to her. "It's such a simple thing to do, to honor another human send kindness and love on their special day."

I'm telling DH all of this and when I look up, he's hanging his head, looking at the floor. I was ready had he said anything about his disgusting crew. " That's how you and your ex raised them. Self centered and always about them. Be proud of your accomplishments. You both did a great job raising your kids." <eye roll> He was smart and said nothing.

With the hell I've endured in StepHell from DHs side, I'm so grateful to have a good relationship with my ex and his sweet wife. And I'll do everything in my power to keep it good.

Happy Thanksgiving, StepTalkers!


BethAnne's picture

Its so easy to be nice and kind or at least not be an a-hole. I don't know how these people keep it up so long. It must be exhausting to hold grudges that long. 

Well done for setting a good example. 

CajunMom's picture

It's been "my way" since my ex met his lovely wife. Kids were younger (college and high school) but both were told, they better respect their dad's GF and now wife. If I found out different, it would be hell to pay. I had the same stance with them when DH and I began dating. Respect him or you are not welcome here. Because of my tough stand, the kids have a great relationship with DH and their Bonus mom. We've all traveled together and spend time together. Same with their dad and his wife. And we often celebrate holidays and "kid" accomplishments and events together.

DH and BM let their kids "do as they please" with no consequences for bad behavior. Today, their legacy lives on. With BM dead now, I often ponder, "what will my legacy be that I leave behind?" It won't be causing division and trouble in other people's lives, that's for sure.

caninelover's picture

And it amazes me how many ex's and stepkids just use holidays and birthdays as their stage for whatever drama they want to make.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

After what i've been through with SO's BMs, i also try to be mindful to be one of the good ones. I truly have no unresolved feelings for my ex and wish him happiness with his GF. I know she puts up with a lot. I have even changed some of my behavior after realizing how it made me feel when BM2 was coming and going from SO's house multiple times a day. I will only make an extra trip to my ex's if it's urgent, and i make sure my daughter has everything she needs to prevent unscheduled visits. 

PetSpoiler's picture

BM's and BD's definitely can set the tone for how well everyone will get along.  I knew without my parents saying that I'd better treat my stepmother with respect or I'd feel the wrath of both of them and I was 18 when she and my dad married.  My mom wanted my dad to find a woman from his church and settle down with her.  He had previously wanted to get back with my mom and she didn't want to be with anybody.   She was very happy when she found out that Dad was getting remarried and liked my stepmother.  It made things easier on me and my siblings.  We didn't feel like we were being disloyal to our mom by being friends with our step mom. These BM's don't realize or don't care that they're hurting the kids when they try to alienate them from Dad and SM.  That a lot of skids would get along with the step parents and the step parents neither would nor could take the bio parents place in skids hearts.  My mother didn't feel that her place in mine and my siblings' hearts was threatened by our step mother's presence.  She understood that SM would have her own place in our hearts.  I wish more bio parents understood that.  

CLove's picture

How lovely for everyone that you have this way of being. Not being a bio mother I often think about what life would be like if we all 'just got along'.

LOL. Its possible - right?

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Her birthday was last month. My ex husband got her a record player so I took my three girls out and they each picked out a record for her. It cost me a $100. Who knew vinyls were so expensive but it helped to make her birthday special and she is deserving so it worth it . Good job! There is a world of difference between my kids and step kids too cause I never put mine in a loyalty bind 

CajunMom's picture

"never put mine in a loyalty bind."

Beautiful description. Thank you for sharing that. Absolutely love it!