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Is this normal?

Sunshine23's picture

So I seem to be the only one who finds that husbands ex always calls his parents/sits and chats / etc.

It is not our weekend to have his child but his ex says oh you can have him Saturday for the holiday. Husbands says he may have to woek and she then goes and calls his parents and says I can drop him off and you can have him all day. AND HIS PARENTS Agree!!! She always does this and his parents are always there for her like husband and ex never got divorced. It's been 10.5 years and still the same. 
 

what is this?!? I am at such a loss. We always have to drop things for her or wait around for her - not sure I can deal anymore. And the step son is a total brat to me and so disrespectful to me and my two children and our child we have together- he is 13- acts just like his mom and I tell husband he acts like this becosse he sees you all allow this!

 I am never part of decisions but always one that has to take care of him as husband works lots and o always says he needs him time. I don't even want to do holidays anymore becosse od this kid. 
I can't recall last time husband did a holiday with my side of family. 
 

and for holidays when he drops off his son he will go insides and talk with all her family.

 

I find this all so insane. Am I wrong?!

Comments

Gimlet's picture

Normal?  It might be for some families.  The issue is that it's not working for you.

You can't control the relationship between the in laws and BM.  It doesn't sound like your husband has an issue with it so he is unlikely to want to change it since it's working for him and his family.

The thing you can change is your own boundaries.

 I am never part of decisions but always one that has to take care of him as husband works lots and o always says he needs him time

If you don't want to care for him, don't.  If he's there, then your husband needs to be there and he gets "him" time when his son is with his mother and after he determines care for your shared child.  

I don't understand the parents who just want their kids in their house when they aren't going to spend any time with them.  To me, that's just optics (look at what a good dad I am, taking extra time!) or they don't want to upset BM and they think implicitly that caring for kids is something women do and your his wife so of course you'll sign up for that, right?  What would happen if you told him no?

He doesn't want to compromise on doing holidays with your family, so why not take your kids and do it yourself?  I get that it's not ideal, but it beats missing out on it. 

As fas as visiting with BM and her family, it's really about the fact that it makes you uncomfortable. I personally don't get it, but it is normal for some divorced couples.  How does he respond when you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable? 

Tried out's picture

grandparents go, the divorce affects them, too. In my case, prior to the divorce if I asked if I could have my granddaughter for the day or overnight the response was "whoo ha!, yes please!" But after the divorce my son wanted to spend as much time with her as possible so I lost those big blocks of time with her. If my ex DIL had asked me to watch her I would have jumped at it. I wouldn't have cared if she was using us - I would just have been delighted to have more time with my GD.

As for your DH visiting with his ex's family I think it would depend on what kind of relationship he had with them prior to the divorce. In my case, we had been married for eons and I was close to my MIL. The divorce didn't change that. We still talked on the phone regularly and visited from time to time. It never involved my ex, though. 

tog redux's picture

Grandparents taking the kid, fine, if they want to. 
 

Your husband taking "me time" while you watch his kid? Oh hell no. Stop agreeing to that right now. If he has the kid there, HE parents him. 

PetSpoiler's picture

Normal is different for everybody.  My parents were on good terms with each other and their ex inlaws but they didn't hang out and chat with ex in-laws or each other.   They only did drop offs at each other's house what little bit they did that.  My brother was driving when they divorced, Dad lived within walking distance and we were allowed to see him whenever we wanted.  So theirs wasn't a normal divorce and Mom wasn't a HCBM.  

I did find out that my uncle on my mom's side had been keeping in touch with my dad.  It may have been after his cancer diagnosis.  My mom found out when she called him to tell him that my dad had died and my uncle started crying.  So there was contact there but my mom was not only uninvolved, but was unaware.  I don't know how my stepmother felt about it. 

I know she was worried when my maternal grandfather died and my dad was going to his funeral.  I can understand why she felt that way.  I think even at 17 I understood why she felt worried.  She hadn't met my mom at that point so she didn't go to the funeral.  

   As far as his son goes, if he isn't there, then his son shouldn't be.  I used to look after my SS but he wasn't a disrespectful little brat.  He knew better.  It's fine for the grandparents to take him.  Not unusual at all.  If your husband's behavior bothers you then he needs to respect you enough to stop.  We could all say it's normal but if it bothers you, then it bothers you.  Your feelings matter too and I think what you're feeling is normal.