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Sad today

Cookieboom's picture

I was set off last night and it triggered what I have been feeling lately.  As you know I have not seen SS in a very long time.  When I saw BF last night, he showed me a photo he and SS took while at the amusement park this week.  SS looked so grown up, so sweet.  The last time I saw him he was a little boy, now he is a teenager.  Had I not seen the photo and bumped into SS in the street, I would not recognize him. 

I was forgiving to what transpired with BM and supportive of BF’s efforts to support me, but over time I have been becoming resentful, especially over these sexting text messages.  Now all I feel is resentment and my desire to be intimate with him has hit an all-time low.  I think I am beginning to check out of the relationship emotionally. (Just found out about the sexting messages so not sure if I am dealing with it the right way).

Due to BF paying for individual therapy for himself and family therapy with SS, his insurance won’t pay for our therapy and we have not gone in a while since he started therapy with SS.

I’m really sick of BM dragging me into this, showing our sexting messages to everyone (I asked him if my name, job and phone number were taken out of evidence as I don’t want everyone in the courtroom knowing that), and he said he didn’t think to ask that.  WTF?????

I secretly blame him as I feel that had she not been allowed to run the show and been put in her place a long time ago maybe none of this would have happened.  (Like when she was show up announced at his home and demand to “Dump that skank” he didn’t think of saying, “You should know about skanks you’re the one sleeping with a married man!” Nope, of course not.    

I know I should support him, but what happens when you just can’t anymore?  Is there someone who has been in this place and come back from it?

tog redux's picture

When you posted in another thread that your friend said to sit back and laugh knowing you living your life is driving her crazy, I thought - that friend doesn't get it. AT ALL.

This stuff is traumatic.And I don't say that lightly,  as a mental health professional, I mean that this stuff is genuinely traumatic.  My heart rate goes up when I hear the ring tone DH had when he was in the middle of the high conflict stuff, and we haven't dealt with custody issues for 6 years.

BM targeting me would have been a deal breaker, I decided that early on. Thankfully, she wanted to look good and openly being so jealous and vindictive would not have fit her image.  Early on, she made some snide comments about me and DH shut them down.

I told myself that as long as DH was handling her and court issues the best he could, I would stay.  Even though he did do the best he could, I still got very close to leaving. Then SS was totally alienated and it was over.  Sadly, that made it possible for me to stay - the loss of SS.

Can you get your own therapy? I'd suggest that over therapy with the two of you.  This woman will never go away, not unless your BF sets clear boundaries on her, and that might mean losing his son.

Cookieboom's picture

I think that I was so wrapped up in supporting and helping him that my feelings got forgotton about, until I saw the photo of SS. I feel bad saying all of this (as he has spent soooo much money on this custody trial, like over $30,000 and the stress he is under) but I am afraid if I don't try to figure this out, our relationship will not survive this. 

It kills me that SS is having milestones, growing up, getting bigger/taller and I can't experience it any longer (Ever since her married BF dumped her and she came back into SS's life like mom of the fu*+&ing year!!!!!!!!!!)

I don't blame him for her targeting me (As he has supported me) but I blame him for not putting her in her place years ago after they divorced (If you remember she broke him and his XGF up a year before we began dating)...

tog redux's picture

I also spent way too much time and energy supporting him without thinking about my own needs.  Many of us women are hard-wired to put ourselves last.  Put yourself first for a while. Insist on what you need to stay in the relationship. Make sure he know how painful it is for you to be targeted in this way and that you want him to take it seriously. You'd think he would, considering BM ran his other GF off, but men can be oblivious.

Cookieboom's picture

I know I should do that, but I have not as I feel he is under enough stress with this custody trial.  It just plain s*%cks all around.  

tog redux's picture

He is under stress - but that doesn't mean your needs are unimportant.  He 100% should insist that his lawyer show outrage that you are being targeted in this manner when you don't even live with him or see the kid EVER. He should have gone to the police to report her stalking him by getting text messages in some manner

I personally would blame him for not having a lock on his phone and letting his son go through it and get those messages (probably).   If he didn't change some password that BM still had, that's honestly even worse. Why would he put himself and you at risk in such a careless way?

I also hope that he is grateful and thankful that you are sticking around for this.

Rags's picture

We found that keeping the focus on the toxicity in the opposition made our lives better.  We kept normalcy the focus on our side and let their side go down in flames.

As the CP side we never had to deal with what you are feeling.  I am sorry you are having to experience this.  It would break my heart to have experienced what you are going through.

Cookieboom's picture

I talked to him today, he is calling the lawyer to prepare for tomorrow's continunace of the trial. I'm trying to keep it together but I am so sick of BM not being put in her place and minding her own business...

tog redux's picture

You  may have to take action yourself.  Talk to the police and find out at what point this constitutes harassment.