SD Update

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So DH and I did message BM yesterday in regards to SD's struggles in school. DH voiced his concerns over SD's literacy and math issues and asked BM if she had a plan to help SD get caught up and succeed in school. Make a long story short, DH and I tried to have a discussion with BM rather than pointing fingers because all it was going to do is go no where and make everyone mad. BM said she is worried about it too, she will be spending more one on one time with her to help her at home instead of the "30 mins she is already getting at home." Then 3 times BM messaged how she is serious about wanting to put SD in summer classes, but is unsure how to since SD spends most of her summer with us and asking him to consider a part-time situation so she doesn't loose traction."

After the third time, DH told her "I do not want to argue, but as I am trusting you have it under control on your time, trust that I have it under control on mine. I have been working with her on my time for years now to help her learna dn I will continue to do so when I see her. If I was not interested in keeping her on top of where she needs to be, I wouldn't be having this discussion or have had a parent teacher conference."

BM's response "Ok. There was no ill intent just genuinely think she needs more than some activities. Summer time is huge as she goes right back to school."

.............

So basically DH and I had a discussion afterwards last night and came to a conclusion. Since we filled out the last medical release form to finally get the records from her pediatrician, have received the records from the ENT specialists, etc. we will not be bringing up or messaging BM at all in regards to SD's tonsils. If BM thinks it is as necessary as she was trying hard to two months ago, she will bring it up. What is frustrating is the pediatrician portal can only have one login per patient with an email and the receptionist suggested if BM and DH could make an email for them to both have access to the portal, but we all know how well that would go. So DH will just have to follow up here and there with the office to see if SD has been there after yesterday's date (that is when we requested the records).

In regards to schooling, DH emailed SD's teacher asking if right before SD comes to us in December if we could meet with her again to get an update on where she is still struggling and where she progressed so we can do some work with her over winter break, but until a discussion is absolutely necessary, we won't be messaging BM about either as we don't need to speak to her to get updates anymore. DH and I are not sure if BM was implying trying to cut our break with SD so she can do summer classes at her school with BM or if she was trying to get DH to say he would get her in summer classes here, either way, DH and I will get her help over the summer while with us. 

We came to the agreement there is nothing more we can do on either subject that we have not already done. So we will just see if BM messages, gets any more updates from the teacher, etc. and we have documentation of all the hoops DH had to go through to access the information he should have already been granted access to, all SD's medical documents, and have updated school records. SD's report card comes out the end of this week and already signed up to reecive that electronically.Then we will see SD for winter break and take it from there, but until then just leaving it be. Plus alone in the court approved app has DH voicing his concerns about both topics of current contention. So here is to hoping from now until December 20th we will have some peace in step life. 

Comments

Tried out's picture

portal allows only one email per patient? That's crazy in today's world! 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I thought so too. Meanwhile these medical documents have been very interesting and informing

tog redux's picture

BM is full of it, you can't be in "summer classes" unless the child does really poorly (unless she's talking about private tutoring), and it's way too early to say that's necessary.  And if it is IS private tutoring, you guys could do that in your area.

 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

tutoring or something. I took it as she was meaning DH to sign her up for that when with us, but DH thought that was BM trying to set it up to request more time with SD over the summer over DH's time so she can have SD in "summer classes."

Meanwhile, now that we have SD's records from the pediatrican, BM told the doctor in yesterday's appointment that DH is dyslexic, but he is not at all. Now the doctor suggested BM to get an IEP for SD. Plus there is no history of throat/tonsil issues anywhere documented before this past July besides 1 negative strep test.

tog redux's picture

Well, she has to blame it on something other than her own lousy parenting. Of course it would be DH, not her that caused it somehow.

 

Tried out's picture

they try to get as many kids as possible into summer programs. Schools get extra state funding that can be used not just during the summer. Can't help but wonder if summer school methods are so helpful why they don't do them during the regular school year...

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

for SD when she was 4, BM said she was "homeschooling" SD for Pre-K.... doesn't sound like the homeschooling worked.

We are going to sign SD up for some camps for the summer, there are educational ones, art ones, etc. plus we will be working with her one on one to help her so she will get a variety of educational experiences.

JRI's picture

It sounds like you and DH have done what's possible and are trying to stay on top of the situation while maintaining a civil relationship with BM.  Sometimes all we can do is all we can do.

CastleJJ's picture

Just keep this conversation in the back of your mind and see if you can spot any trends in future communications with BM, where BM indicates SD needs"additional support" in the summer. I wouldn't put it past your BM to try to use SD's academics as an excuse to shorten, prevent, or withhold your summer visitation, by saying SD needs academic help through her school only or something of the sort. And by BM building a paper trail, when the day does come for her to try to use this excuse to prevent/limit visitation, she will refer back to all those "communications," saying you were fully aware this may be the case. 

When our BM starts to mention things like SS becoming more involved in sports, we already know that she will likely use that communication to build documentation and a paper trail to try to deny or limit visitation. She doesn't even have to say that sports will occur, she just says "It is likely that SS' sport obligations will increase in future years" and we already know based on that alone that BM is setting the stage to interfere with our time. HCBMs like this will then use a sentence as simple as that to claim that they notified you: "Well I let you know on x dates about this, so this shouldn't come as a surprise" even though it was mentioned indirectly, vaguely, and in everyday communication. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Meanwhile, BM's "homeschooling" for Pre-K and in her 43 weeks during the last year she has been unable to help SD learn

CastleJJ's picture

As we all know, BM will have some sort of excuse for that. After all, she didn't see your DH homeschooling for pre-K, only her because she is MOTY. 

Just be aware of vague conversations. If BM appears to be up to something, she likely is. Like BM's response: "Ok. There was no ill intent just genuinely think she needs more than some activities. Summer time is huge as she goes right back to school." I could see BM using this alone to claim that she notified you that SD will need school based programs in the summer which can only be provided at her school, not just "activities" like tutoring or summer camps that she can do with you, and therefore she can't visit (some or at all). I can see this setting the stage to try to withhold or limit visitation since BM is "oh so concerned" with her academics. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

homeschooling for Pre-K because it was her time since we are on out of state visitation schedule and if we had seen her more often she would of been in actual pre-K.

Yeah I hear what you are saying, but if a judge would let that slide without communicating such clearly that is ridiculous. Clearly what BM has been doing is not working and SD needs to have it changed up

CastleJJ's picture

Oh I get it. Just remember, BM will always have an excuse... you moved, she was left to handle SD alone, she did the best she could, things got hard with other daughter, etc. Even when you call out her excuse, she will have another one lined up, and if she doesn't, she will just name call (controlling, unreasonable, difficult, unable to coparent). 

Our BM communicates much like your BM and the judge couldn't see through the communication. He seriously believed that BM was the concerned parent and DH was an uninvolved or controlling NCP. Our attorney said that BM was crafty and that her communication, when all read in its entirety, had definite trends of abuse, PAS, and information withholding, but when read individually, like a judge would when pulling specific emails for evidence, read as a concerned parent who is only acting in skid's best interests. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

however, it was in their CO that they both were moving out of the state of VA. Once BM actually moves out of VA, that arguement is not valid because they both moved as they both had written in their agreement. 

I wouldn't even want to be in front of the judge they had in VA for the custody case. THAT judge would hands down side with BM. Hell he sided with BM just because she had an affair that led to a child from another man. His reasoning of DH not having primary custody was because she has a sister at BM's. Also, took BM's parent's testimony of the children at a funeral clinging to their mom as they cannot stand to be without her, but really the children KNEW no one, but BM at the funeral and they were 1 & 3. That judge has no idea what he is doing, it was his first family court case!!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

you are calling the BM in her situation the smart one because the BM here isn't very smart. LOL

tog redux's picture

Yes. Yours is not clever and crafty like the ones that Castle and I are unfortunate enough to have to deal with.  She's not going to be the one to lay the groundwork for taking your summer visitation - she just wants grounds to blame DH for SD's problems rather than take any blame herself.  So she can say, "she does poorly because her father has her all summer".

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

excuse like you said earlier in the thread. DH has been saying all along he is waiting until the day she tries to make it that SD has a learning disability and needs an IEP. I don't know if I remember correctly, but I think both BM's in your situations actually have some sort of career or job that is above that of a walmart cashier.

Probably will try and get her into some sort of academic help to help SD but also that we can get a report or something that talks about SD's progress or ability, etc. so that she cannot use DH as an excuse and can also use it if BM tries to make SD out to having a disability of some sort. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, BM here is a professor. She truly is a very smart woman, I will give her that, even though it made her more challenging to deal with. 

CastleJJ's picture

BM here is a social worker in a psychiatric unit at a children's hospital and a part-time private practice therapist. The fact that she has the credentials to provide that kind of "care" to people is scary, given her own mental health issues (both past and present). 

BM is incredibly book smart and has always loved education, but lacks all common sense. DH said BM would be a lifetime student if she could and graduated with a 4.5 GPA, but couldn't tell you how to pay a bill or would hit and run, not knowing you have to stop in a car accident. She didn't realize at 26 that our state, which she lived in until age 26, (MI) is surrounded by the great lakes... DH said she handles the custody stuff like an academic study or a school project, which is why she is so crafty and determined with it.