PLEASE PLEASE READ CAREFULY AND HELP - Dear All, I hope you are all well and keeping strong. I REALLY need help and as a father I would like to genuinely know if am in the wrong.. its a long story so a lot of you may read every second word but if you have the time please read and be as honest as possible. I need genuinely answers and if I'm in the wrong I'd really like to know , critique but please try be heartful as I've been in a bad place for a long time about this.
I found out from my ex that she was pregnant with my child 2/3 months after we had broken up, her coming from and staunch Afrikaans family I decided to be the person to break the news to avoid her parents from being angry with her, I was 27 at the time and she was 24. I told her not to stress about it, I then saw her almost immediately and told her not to panic that I would take care of her and our child.
we weren't together as we really didn't get along and the fighting (Although far from physically abusive) was just too much for me and I decided to leave, My thoughts were that I'd rather let my son come from a broken family than living IN one. (was I wrong? should I have just stayed, bare in mind fighting was a daily occurrence, we just didn't get along at all). She called me a few days later telling me that if I left she would make sure I never saw my son again and had a restraining order placed against me. When he was born, her family kept it from me and I found out through a social media post... (Whoop Whoop in labour, I'll be a mommy soon)
I took her to court to throw the order out as it was completely fabricated and I wanted to be in my sons life (She was pregnant at the time which in hindsight makes me feel pretty shitty) The judge saw right through her dishonesty, every thing she said genuinely was dishonest. I have fought tooth and nail to see my son growing up and he screamed every time I would pick him up and within 5 minutes of us being together (literally 5 min-ish) and we would have such fantastic time together, once I dropped him off his mother would call me shouting that I hadn't fed him and he was crying of hunger.. I come from and grew up in a very loving close-nit family and always treated him well, never shouted at him and always made a fuss about him being there and fed him incredibly well.
Long story short, I once went to he's house and as I was holding him he fell asleep and blamed me for hurting him, she pressed the panic button and I then decided to leave, the security at the gate never came as apparently she often presses the panic button (although only once with me, not sure about the other times) I became scared she would hit herself with a pan or something and blame me which would have horrific consequences so I stayed away for about a month or so, she then moved to Benoni where she knew no one and far from her family just to make it more difficult to see him as I stay about 60kms to see him. Every social worker enjoyed had no issue with me, we then went to a high profile child psychologist which she chose and the report was devastating for her and read that she had directly and indirectly alienated my son from me, it also said she has created an enmeshed relationship between my son and her. The only issue I had was that the Social worker said I had poor paternal instinct which
I disagreed with but she is a professional and I decided to go to parenting classes to help myself.
During all of this she slept with my attorney which was a clear indication of her intention to destroy my case. We had a parenting plan in place but was difficult to stick to based on he's lack of wanted to see or speak to me and her not being at home when I got there, I also refused to go when she was in a foul mood because I promised to never fight or argue when my son was around.
I paid generous maintenance until her was 5/6 years old, It was such a battle to see him (I know maintenance and visitation are seen as completely different) but I decided to start paying late strategically to try force her to rather let me just see him, that didn't happen. He since has not answered my calls and refuses to speak to me nor come out of he's house when I try to visit or fetch him. I know this was against the law as I had a high court order but I really didn't want his mouther to land up in jail.
I have only seen him maybe 10 times in 3 years, it absolutely kills me to a stage of suicidal thoughts, which isn't who I am as I have a positive outlook to life. She has since married and surnames have changed and he is the only one who has a different surname which isn't mine or he's mothers ( basically he's own surname now, she wont give him my surname, I've been asked to give him her new husbands surname so he doesn't feel "out", for the best for my son I'm considering it, not sure how to deal with that, I need to put my ego and pride aside and think what's best for him. He has a great step father thank God.
What do I do? carry on fighting or waiting a few years until he's old enough to make he's own decision, of course I'll keep in contact but he absolutely hates me for obvious reasons.
Have I failed him? have I tried hard enough? what do I do, I want the very best for him, please excuse my grammar and spelling errors.
I send him voice notes every second/third day but his mother says he doesn't want to listen to them and doesn't want to reply.
This is an alias account I've created so I can be as honest as possible without being detonated.
I need help, this is breaking me.. I cannot live without him :(