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UPDATE on the SD/SGK visit

2Tired4Drama's picture

Well, we returned from visit and I am proud that I stuck to my plan. I made an initial (short) visit with SO after arrival, spent a couple of hours with kids the next day, and went to the final dinner.  No more! 

The rest of my free time I spent with MY friends - people who care about me and we had a wonderful time!  The irony is one of those friends is a young woman almost the same age as SD.  Funny how I can easily connect with others in that age demographic but not with SD. 

My SO did not put up a fuss, thankfully. I think he enjoyed having a couple of days with his princess (and her kids) all to himself. Fine by me. 

As expected the SGKs are cute. It was my first time meeting them. I brought them each a small toy/gift. The older child is the bio child of SD and DH and the infant was just adopted by SD and her DH in a private adoption - no agency involved. IMO think it was under some very sketchy circumstances. The birth mother was a late pregnancy walk-in patient of SDs who expressed the possibility of adoption so I find that unethical, although not necessarily illegal. It is an open adoption and the young birth parents are supposedly frequent visitors to SDs home. The 2 sets of birth grandparents are also involved.  Not to mention DH's convicted-felon, (incl. domestic violence) life-long drug addict father who regularly visits and get this ... is allowed to babysit!  That's why I cannot believe that a full background check was ever completed, as DH's father's lengthy criminal record would surely have come up and the birth parents should have been notified. 

And of course, the ULTIMATE grandparent ... who is BM (and her husband).  I think the whole thing is nothing but a complicated spaghetti-bowl mess and I have no idea how it will work out in the long run. I fully believe that lots of people can love kids but I cannot help but think that at some point, turf is going to get crossed and the sh!t will fly.  Especially with BM.  She holds the significant cash barrel and will always win out with whatever she wants for both SD/DH and now her grandkids.  I can't help but think that the sets of birth grandparents are not going to roll over as easily as BM thinks, since this is their bio grandchild albeit legally adopted, and they are developing a relationship with the child ... and SD's bio child as well. 

The most laughable moment came within 30 minutes of my being in the house. I was on the floor playing with SD's son and his toy, when she point-blank asked me, "So, what do you want to be called?"  This is a person who has been in my life for 16 years and has expressed ZERO interest in me. Thus my disengagement years ago.  We have no communication whatsoever.  I have not seen her in more than three years.  Yet within 30 minutes she's asking me what kind of "grandmother" title I want her kids to use?  I almost laughed out loud!  But, in keeping with my philosophy of being polite - I simply said, "Oh, they aren't even talking yet. I'm sure the kids will find some sort of name for me."  I can't for the life of me fathom why she even asked me this. Maybe she was throwing me a bone since my SO was being referred to as "grandpa" and she wanted to LOOK like she was being inclusive, especially in front of my SO. 

I think my SO has a lot of similar concerns but he hasn't spoken a peep to me about any of it. I think that is because no matter what SD does, he will never ever criticize her for it. She is, and always will be, his infallible princess that he worships without thought or question.  

Me?  Naw.  Not buying any of it anymore.  SD's bull sh!t stories were head-scratching and sometimes amusing before because they always made her out to be faultless, but now there are innocent kids who are going to be subject to SD's tall tales and narcissism.  That's not funny anymore nor is it something I even want to observe if I can avoid it. 

All in all, I am pleased that my involvement was at the bare minimum and I stayed cool and collected.  While the kids are cute, I have no intention of changing my stance of polite disengagement.  I have no relationship with their mother or father, thus I will have no relationship with them. I cannot expect any different outcome.  

I am so thankful to previous posters over the years who made me understand that you can easily get your heart broken by loving grandskids and then have them yanked from your life.  This will not be happening to me. 




Merry's picture

Very, very similar situation with me, right down to SD asking me what I wanted to be called. The adoption part sounds like a trainwreck waiting to happen and you're smart to stay far away from that mess.

I do love the stepgrands. But I can't say I have a relationship with them. The young ones might know that I exist, but I am not a presence in their lives, but then neither is DH, much. The oldest is a sweetheart and I hope he eventually develops his own relationship with me.

But DH does all the shopping, birthday remembering (or not), visit planning, etc. I spend some time with SD and her family, but mostly I spend it with my family nearish them. It works for all of us. But the older I get the less inclined I am to make that long trip.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Merry, I'm sure when you see those innocent, cute kids and they tug at your heartstrings you probably wish things were different but are wise enough to know it never will be.  That's pretty much where I am.

Because of the distance, I know my SO will not be much of a presence either. I think he is very conflicted over the adoption issue and he will need to come to terms with that. Not that the child is adopted but that her entire bio family will be an ongoing presence in her life. This is compounded by his concerns of how this extremely complex situation will eventually affect his biological grandchild and its long-term impacts.

I do know that I will find ways to avoid any future visits and will encourage him go alone. 



hereiam's picture

I'm so glad that it went well!

I have no relationship with my SD's kids. They can call me What's-her-name for all I care.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Mainly because I was very firm about my plans and limited contact with SD.  I also expect to have no relationship with these children other than a rare occasion here or there. 

JRI's picture

Your visit sounds like it went as well as could be expected.  We have 9 Gkids, 6 are DH's.  BM, bless her heart, made it crystal clear to hers that I was NOT their real grandma.  Whatever, she's dead now. I've maintained a polite and civil relationship with them all and they all keep in touch to get the benefits.  Lol.

I didn't care what they called me, it was usually Grandma JRI.  They could have called me by my first name, too.  I did what I was going to do for them all (Christmas and birthday gifts, cookie baking in December, occasional summer outings) but seldom babysat.  Its all worked out fine.

In your case, it sounds like a landmine waiting to explode.  Or several landmines.  I'd stay detached.

2Tired4Drama's picture

...when you say BM made it clear to her kids you were NOT real grandma.  Perhaps SD's question about my purported name was a loaded way to prompt a similar statement out of BM.  In other words, SD tells BM I want to be called "grandma." BM then tells SD that no way in hell should I be called grandma and she needs to shut me down. 

JRI's picture

Yeah, SD might have been fishing for an answer from you that would start more drama with BM.  Our BM was such a volatile person that any little slight set her off.  I wasnt the one who set me up as " Grandma JRI", it was DH.  Ill never forget the day when SGD said, "Grandma says you're not our real grandma".  I said, yes, thats right and went on with what I was doing.

This is the same SGD who invited us to come see her baby and have lunch next week.  All that other stuff is just in the past now.   I hope your bad stuff slides into the past, too.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Congratulations lady you did good! Luv how you handled the situation. I was waiting for your update.

Its sad really that we have to do mental gymnastics to deal with these toxic people. 


2Tired4Drama's picture

I think one of the benefits of disengaging is it helps push these issues to a cob-webbed corner of your mind. Yet it is amazing how just a few hours' worth of contact with SD winds up dusting off issues which had been dormant.

Listening and watching SD's bullsh!t just cemented my opinions of her.  But I do truly feel sorry for those kids. 

Birchclimber's picture

Wow.  I can so relate to the part about "what should they call you"!  I was asked this question 25 years ago, when the first SGK was born.  Everyone decided on "Grandma of course!"

  However, here we are, 4 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren later and I recently found out quite innocently, that I'd been demoted to my first name!  My second youngest SGK "accidentally" let it slip out when she was talking to her manipulative and conniving mother, (My youngest SD).  "Grandma" to my face to appease my DH, but when talking among themselves, I'm Birchclimber!   When I mentioned this to my DH, I got the classic shrug, pursed lips and silence that we've all become to familiar with.   What could he say?  It just proved that I was right all along about the fact that they don't accept me as any part of their family and that his DD is the one who spins the wheel.  They will try to make my DH think that they do like me, but after all is said and done, I'm just that lady, Birchclimber. The one who unfortunately for them, married their Dad. 
He's slowly beginning to see them for what they are...slowly...
As for you; so happy that you were able to meet up with "your people"!  Being around our friends and our family is so important to our mental health!!  Well done!!

Rags's picture

Really does not matter.  That they call you by your name in personal conversation is great IMHO.  Why would your SK and her own kids refer to you as GM in conversation?  There are at least 6 GMs of one flavor or another in reference to the spawn of the second youngest Gskid.  The second youngest Gskids MIL (1), GMIL (2), your SD (3), her mate's mother (4), BM (5), and you (6).  It just explodes form there depending on how young everyone was when they started spawning.

My SS at one time had 7 sets of GPs ranging  up to GGPs. The matrix of names (GMa (First Name), Deema, Meemo and Papo, etc... was mind boggling.  In conversation between my DW and I,  beyond the SpermgrandHag we we called "Bitch From Hell" or BFH for short , we just referred to them by their relationship order e.g.  "Dickhead's maternal GM",

Think of all of the monikers that are used in STalk conversation about BMs, XHs, Skids, ILs, etc......  DH's extended clan of harpies calling you by your name.... that is a win.  the GSkids, GGSkids calling your Grand Ma, also a win.

IMHO of course.