UPDATE on the SD/SGK visit
Well, we returned from visit and I am proud that I stuck to my plan. I made an initial (short) visit with SO after arrival, spent a couple of hours with kids the next day, and went to the final dinner. No more!
The rest of my free time I spent with MY friends - people who care about me and we had a wonderful time! The irony is one of those friends is a young woman almost the same age as SD. Funny how I can easily connect with others in that age demographic but not with SD.
My SO did not put up a fuss, thankfully. I think he enjoyed having a couple of days with his princess (and her kids) all to himself. Fine by me.
As expected the SGKs are cute. It was my first time meeting them. I brought them each a small toy/gift. The older child is the bio child of SD and DH and the infant was just adopted by SD and her DH in a private adoption - no agency involved. IMO think it was under some very sketchy circumstances. The birth mother was a late pregnancy walk-in patient of SDs who expressed the possibility of adoption so I find that unethical, although not necessarily illegal. It is an open adoption and the young birth parents are supposedly frequent visitors to SDs home. The 2 sets of birth grandparents are also involved. Not to mention DH's convicted-felon, (incl. domestic violence) life-long drug addict father who regularly visits and get this ... is allowed to babysit! That's why I cannot believe that a full background check was ever completed, as DH's father's lengthy criminal record would surely have come up and the birth parents should have been notified.
And of course, the ULTIMATE grandparent ... who is BM (and her husband). I think the whole thing is nothing but a complicated spaghetti-bowl mess and I have no idea how it will work out in the long run. I fully believe that lots of people can love kids but I cannot help but think that at some point, turf is going to get crossed and the sh!t will fly. Especially with BM. She holds the significant cash barrel and will always win out with whatever she wants for both SD/DH and now her grandkids. I can't help but think that the sets of birth grandparents are not going to roll over as easily as BM thinks, since this is their bio grandchild albeit legally adopted, and they are developing a relationship with the child ... and SD's bio child as well.
The most laughable moment came within 30 minutes of my being in the house. I was on the floor playing with SD's son and his toy, when she point-blank asked me, "So, what do you want to be called?" This is a person who has been in my life for 16 years and has expressed ZERO interest in me. Thus my disengagement years ago. We have no communication whatsoever. I have not seen her in more than three years. Yet within 30 minutes she's asking me what kind of "grandmother" title I want her kids to use? I almost laughed out loud! But, in keeping with my philosophy of being polite - I simply said, "Oh, they aren't even talking yet. I'm sure the kids will find some sort of name for me." I can't for the life of me fathom why she even asked me this. Maybe she was throwing me a bone since my SO was being referred to as "grandpa" and she wanted to LOOK like she was being inclusive, especially in front of my SO.
I think my SO has a lot of similar concerns but he hasn't spoken a peep to me about any of it. I think that is because no matter what SD does, he will never ever criticize her for it. She is, and always will be, his infallible princess that he worships without thought or question.
Me? Naw. Not buying any of it anymore. SD's bull sh!t stories were head-scratching and sometimes amusing before because they always made her out to be faultless, but now there are innocent kids who are going to be subject to SD's tall tales and narcissism. That's not funny anymore nor is it something I even want to observe if I can avoid it.
All in all, I am pleased that my involvement was at the bare minimum and I stayed cool and collected. While the kids are cute, I have no intention of changing my stance of polite disengagement. I have no relationship with their mother or father, thus I will have no relationship with them. I cannot expect any different outcome.
I am so thankful to previous posters over the years who made me understand that you can easily get your heart broken by loving grandskids and then have them yanked from your life. This will not be happening to me.