How do I disengage to save my marriage (sorry, long!)
Married last summer, gained 2 step daughters (11 and 13). Have a 6 year old son of my own. I'm 10 years younger than my husband.(I'm 33, he's 43)
The girls are mostly sweet and respectful to me so I am grateful.
From the beginning, I was noticing that the girls had absolutly no routine or sense of responsibility. The house was a mess and the sleep schedule was off. Since he works long days, his kids would be left alone home all day on tv emptying the snack cupboard. When we got married and moved in together, things have changed, and for the better:
I've fought with my husband tooth and nail on regulating the schedule and setting a routine along with boundaries.
Rules and boundaries that have been set are that the house should remain clean, everyone picks up after themselves. No kid shall wear my clothes (his girls are tall, they are my height and weight) and most of all, stay out of my room. Everyone has their own room with their own space.
Yesterday, he was saying he was sad that his girls aren't able to sleep in his bed like they used to ever since we got married. I told him that if they had a nightmare or needed him, he could go to their roooms and sleep/cuddle there. But he said that he felt a little resentful towards me because I set the boundaries that no kids in the room.
We've been fighting since this last night about this because my thoughts are that I need my privacy and alone time with my husband (plus, I sleep naked), I'm 10 years younger than him so I HAVE to set boundaries up as an adult in my home to not blur the lines as well.
Beyond this fight, its just been a struggle that I will suggest or implement things and then he will fight me on it. We'll have a huge fight where he'll accuse me of being a tyrant and being unfair ect... only until later on, he'll realize it was for the best and sheepishly admit to being grateful to have me around.
I'm at the stage where I feel like I'm growing old being stressed about his kids. I miss being my carefree self. I'm EXTREMELY present with my own kid and although hes quite energetic, he's well behaved and I'm teaching him to be responsible and self-sufficient. Hes 6. Meanwhile, if i dare make ANY suggestions as a woman seeing young girls grow up, then I'm the bad one.
I've talked to him about the girls hygiene, I've talked to him about their sleep schedule, I've talked to him about all these things that I would address if I was the actual mother of a young girls, and he's somehow twists it like I'm just too much. Now I'm seeing his girls turn into lazy, unhygenic people and I just want to leave it alone.
But he sees how I am with my son so it feels like he'll just use it as ammo that I dont treat his girls the same.
How do I just let him parent his own damn kids without being mean about it?
Its to the point where I dread the weeks where we have them. I'm in Ontario, Canada so the lockdowns make it impossible to get away as I have all the kids at home with me and I also work from home.