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She is so sneaky! Unreal!

Biostep7777's picture

SS14 texted DH a few days ago and said "hey dad I have an event that I was asked to cook burgers for. Can I go?" Of course DH said sure! 
DH gets a message this morning from HCBM saying "SS let me know that you said yes to his event. I will be helping him so can you dtop him off at 3:00 so we can prepare"
 

She is literally pathetic. LOL!!! 

tog redux's picture

Well, why didn't your DH ask when and what time, etc? why couldn't he take him to the event if it's on his time. In fact, if it is on his time, I'd suggest he reply with "I will make sure SS gets to the event and help him beforehand".

Biostep7777's picture

He did. SS gave his the time and day. DH said "sure, what's the address" and SS didn't answer him. 

tog redux's picture

so he can still say to BM - "I will transport SS to the event and help him ahead of time."

Then ignore her tantrum. If SS wants to go, he can give DH the address. 

Biostep7777's picture

Yep. He could. The deal with a temper tantrum from both of them. I told him to just let him go. SS and his mother have the creepiest relationship I've ever witnessed. No reason to fight this stuff. Not worth it. 

FinallySkidFree's picture

I think you are missing one very important aspect of her games. YOU and your DH are playing it. You have EVERY OUNCE of control in this situation. The question is can the kid go. DH said sure. Now the onus is on HER to get the kid to said event. That is NOT your husbands job to play UBER to her every God damn whim. Shut the bitch down already.

 

 

tog redux's picture

See, I think you need to just stand up to her every time. This isn't a big deal, stand up to them. Every time he gives in, he reinforces her behavior and she will try harder.

But if he's not going to fight, he should NEVER fight, which means dropping court action.

Biostep7777's picture

I don't think he's giving in to her. He's just not playing her game. She's doing this to try and upset him to make him seem like he's not flexible and she's trying to cause trouble. He's not playing her games which is what she wants. Instead he is going to point out that he's disappointed that she kept this information from him and he would have loved the opportunity to help him. Then he's going to tell her since she will be with him, she can pick him up and drop him off after the event. 

tog redux's picture

I disagree, this is just her plowing through your boundaries.  Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful kind - if you say no 10 times and give in once, she will know she has to keep it up for 11 times to get her way.  There is no reason DH can't take him to this event, she just successfully manipulated him into giving up something on his time (and used SS to do it).

That being said, I do get how exhausting people like her are. 

Biostep7777's picture

Yup she sure did and who cares! We are happy healthy people who don't play games. If she wants to live a life full of manipulation and using her own children as weapons? So be it, we are not wasting our time arguing with a sick person. SS is obsessed with her. Let him be with her! 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

So true. If you give in when you are tired or worn down, you inadvertently train the bad behavior into the person, like when kids ask for something 20 times because they know eventually you will say yes. 

FinallySkidFree's picture

He shouldn't point out anything. Document it. The back and forth will get him NOWHERE. The kid asked, he said yes, she's picking up and dropping off. Leave it there. DOCUMENT IT. Don't even digify her with "I'm disappointed blah blah blah." STFU, say NOTHING and let her wear herself out when she gets NOWHERE with your DH.

 

tog redux's picture

I agree not to tell her he's disappointed, that's the kind of emotion she wants.  But he should say, "I'll take him, thanks" and let her rant and rave. 

FinallySkidFree's picture

I feel for the Skids that are in the middle of this mess. The mom is using them to hurt their dad. They are kids, they are too young to see it for themselves. That's why I feel your DH has to be very savvy in his dealings with her. I read you have OFW. His replies should ALL go thru OFW. Even if she won't reply thru there, he NEEDS to cover his ass at all times. Leave nothing to chance cause I can assure you she isn't. Your DH also has to explain to his kids - that every once in a while he won't mind letting them go do activities during his time with them, but that since it is HIS time, HE will be the one attending these events with them and if they don't want him to attend then they can't go. Set the boundaries, set them, watch her plan fall apart.

 

 

Biostep7777's picture

I know. It's so sneaky that SS is lying and hiding that his mom is going to be helping him. I'm so disgusted in the both of them. It's going to be soon that he just doesn't come here anymore. 

FinallySkidFree's picture

She is his mother. She can be a cracked out whore who shaves her eyebrows and dances on a pole, the SKIDS will always side with their mom. Don't waste precious energy trying to understand that dynamic, you will only get wrinkles.

tog redux's picture

Yep. My SS is 21 and still attached by the umbilical cord to Mommie Dearest. He used to do this kind of stuff all the time. 

FinallySkidFree's picture

SS28 too. He knows how much of a loser his mom is, but it doesn't seem to phase or embarass him. Instead, he defends her every move. They can skip off into the sunset for all I care.

tog redux's picture

My SS will criticize her all the time, but makes zero effort to become an independent adult who isn't completely reliant on her for everything. 

Rags's picture

If she is using the kid as a comm conduit, DH needs to tell the kid "This is a discussion your mom wants to have with me. She can contact me through OFW. You are not the carrier pigeon for your parents."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And absolutely they need to set and enforce the boundaries around BM with zero tolerance.

Toxic manipulative game players will always manipulate and play games until they are smacked on the nose with a copy of the CO and any other boundaries each and every time they deviate from reasonableness.

IMHO of course.  

ndc's picture

Sadly, this looks like a fight you can't win.  Your DH is fighting with one hand tied behind his back.  He's an honorable person; BM is willing to lie (and she's good at it!).  She has a barracuda for an attorney; your DH has one who wants to play nice and "look good for the court."  BM is actively PASing the kids; your DH for the most part is trying not to say anything bad about mom.  BM will do anything and use anyone to hurt DH; DH is not willing to use the kids as pawns or otherwise involve them.  If he's not willing to take off the gloves and go at her full bore, I can't imagine he has a chance. 

Since he's not willing to stoop to her level, I think his best bet is to just protect himself and you.  Don't play the game.  Let her pick the kid up and take him to the event.  Give her no reaction and tell the kid to have a good time.  I can't imagine he's going to accomplish much in court, other than hopefully to get a more normal, state calculator-consistent CS and reimbursement order and an order for OFW.  After that, drop the rope, limit communication with BM to the bare minimum and hope that the kids eventually have a clearer picture of who their parents are.

tog redux's picture

Agreed. Family court victories go to the biggest and best liar in many cases.  I remember saying to DH that he didn't stand a chance because BM was willing to destroy SS to win, and he wasn't. 

I've said all along that he needs to drop everything except getting a review of the finances, period. 

Rags's picture

"Sorry, I am booked at that time. Come and get him.  I expect you to return him to my home so we can have the rest of our time together once the activity you initiated is complete."

If she refuses to pick the Skid up, DH needs to tell the Skid "Sorry kid-oh.  Your mom can't come pick you up so you will spend that visitation day with me and your mom will have to cook the burgers without your help."

Put the shit on the shoulders where it belongs.  Give the Skid clarity and the facts.  And ride that horse all the way to the finishline when the CO expires.  After that..... go full meal deal on building the relationship directly with the Skids with zero tolerance for the XW/BM being involved.