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SS9 Has Arrived

CastleJJ's picture

SS9 has arrived... and he is mopey. I'm sure BM PASed him real good before pick up today. I helped him unpack his small bag to find another perfume covered stuffed animal and a kid's smartwatch with phone call, texting, and location tracking capabilities. SS showed me how it works and BM and her GF's contacts are listed as "Mom" and "Mama" in the watch... I looked at it. It has tons of voice recordings saved with "We love you so much!" and other random messages. Oh and it has an SOS feature for emergency response and guess who's number is programmed for SOS... not BM, but GF. 

I have a big problem with this watch. I do not like the fact that SS has a device that allows him to communicate with BM whenever and I especially do not like that it has tracking capabilities.

I told DH about it. DH said he didn't know about it. Of course not, because it was buried in SS' bag. DH said we will turn it off and keep it during the visitation and I am in agreement. If BM wants to communicate with SS, she can go through DH like DH has to do with BM. 

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse than a perfume covered stuffed animal... 

Comments

CastleJJ's picture

DH just talked to SS and told him that since he will be with DH and I the whole time, so there is no need to have it, and that BM can call SS on DH's phone. DH asked SS to turn it off and put it back in his bag. DH told SS that he didn't want it to get damaged or lost. SS was agreeable and did so without question. 

We are now going over to my parents' house for a sleepover and we will be having a pool party/cookout there tomorrow. Hopefully, getting SS out of the house, and away from BM's PAS items, may get him out of this funk. 

 

tog redux's picture

It's fairly normal for kids to have adjustment issues going between homes, even without PAS. Good idea doing some fun stuff to acclimate him to your home. 

CastleJJ's picture

I expected SS to need time to adjust. I know that it's totally normal for kids with split homes. I just didn't expect him to arrive with a tracking device. We are driving to my parents right now and we left the perfume covered stuffed animal and the smartwatch at home. He is already doing better and has been very chatty during the car ride. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

That poor kid hopefully he doesn't snap one day and turn into Norman Bates with all the helicoptering and smothering from his mother!!!

I'm surprised he doesn't come wrapped in bubble wrap SMDH.

CastleJJ's picture

It's just BM's way of trying to remain relevant in our lives and honestly, she wants to keep tabs on DH and I more than she does SS. 

tog redux's picture

Is she likely to squawk about the watch? Or too smart to make herself look so intrusive? Your DH handles this stuff well. 

CastleJJ's picture

I'm not sure. We've never taken anything away from him like this. BM may react or she may not. I told DH that if she reacts, call it like it is and inform her that since SS is with us at all times, she can communicate with DH to arrange contact with SS, just like we do on BM's parenting time. 

DH wasn't always good with BM. He was like many other scared men that we read about on this site, completely used and abused by BM. He faced years of emotional and psychological abuse. BM would say "jump" and DH would say "how high?" I made him set boundaries because our relationship would not have survived without them. That is why BM hates me because I "interfered with their coparenting" and made DH stand up to the abuse. Even though court did nothing for us, it helped DH learn his rights and responsibilities and I think it scared BM a bit because she never thought we would take her to court. We didn't tell her we were filing and we blindsided her with the motion. We basically called her bluff on all of her threats for court action. DH still struggles to communicate via email. I have had to teach him BIFF method and to quit defending/explaining himself. I proofread most of his bigger emails to ensure they are clear and concise and do not appear vulnerable or wishy washy. DH cannot communicate with BM in person or via phone. He freezes and stutters, tripping over his words. Luckily, BM says nothing in person and won't even look DH in the face. It's like she ignores his existence when DH is present, but BM is passive aggressive in person and only vicious via email so it makes sense. 

tog redux's picture

Well, at least he was willing to learn and grow. Some of these men on here remain paralyzed by fear of losing the kid, whereas your DH was not willing to let that define his life.  And he handles it in a way with SS that doesn't put SS in the middle or blame BM, which is great. My DH was prone to getting angry and telling SS what he thought was going on, which just increased SS's loyalty bind.

If BM calls him on it, he should say nothing at all except "SS can be reached on my phone at the following times:".

My mother pointed out to me once that my DH was able to handle losing SS because he had me to support him, which hadn't really occurred to me.

thinkthrice's picture

Is that if these dads did not move on,  they most likely would have pursued child chasing and BM ass kissing well into the child's adulthood. 

Not technically losing their children but losing massive amounts of respect which is very important especially for fathers, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned.

I have three examples of that right in Chef's world alone.  Men that never dared moved on; only one of those who casually dates because the BM reached room temperature.  NEVER anything serious...to please their adult children

tog redux's picture

I think my DH would have moved on regardless. He never has been the type to kiss ass for SS or BM.  Having me around just made it easier. 

thinkthrice's picture

He is a rarity.  Most men try to stay friends with the BM (aka ass kiss/child chase)  "for the sake of the children" (TM) regardless of how they have been wronged by BM.

CastleJJ's picture

Oh hell no. DH despises BM and BM knows it. He has never tried to be friends with her or do anything "for SS' sake." He has been emotionally and psychologically abused by BM for years, but DH usually doesn't cave. He would always fight BM and then get shut down due to BM's sole custody. BM loved to remind DH that she calls the shots due to sole custody and tell DH is too much of a "loser" to have custody. 

DH met me when SS was 10 months old. BM dumped DH immediately when she found out she was pregnant, so they were separated for 1.5 years when I met DH. DH and I have been together ever since. BM hasn't kept DH from moving on. We've been together 8.5 years, married for 2.5 years. He always says he is so thankful that he never married BM and he is so happy and thankful for what we have. 

thinkthrice's picture

or spoiling but in this case I think I would get a nice analog "grownup" watch without the tracking abilities.  One that would make him ditch the mothership smartwatch which I knew was going to be a problem when  they first came out.  HCGUBMs would undoubtedly use it to spy on their ex and SM, as yet another control tool in their PAS tool belt.

So glad the ferals PASed out before the smartwatch and smartphone took off.  I have no doubt that the  Girhippo would have furnished all three with smart watches that tracked our every move.  I will bet that she is wistful that they did not come out when she could have used them!

CastleJJ's picture

SS has an analog watch at our house that he got for his birthday this year. He doesn't generally wear watches or anything like that. That's why I was surprised when he had the smartwatch in his bag. But, we made him turn it off, put it back in his bag, and then we left the house and slept over at my parents because we have a pool party/cook out there today! I think getting him away from the house (and BM's PAS tactics) helped with his adjustment. He's doing so much better today! 

tog redux's picture

For sure. That's why you have to do that stuff no matter how loud she squawks. If worse comes to worst, tell her SS misplaced the watch and then found it right before they left to go back to BMs! 

CastleJJ's picture

Even if she does squawk, DH will just tell her that SS is available via DH's phone when requested and leave it at that. She won't call more than twice per week because she won't do more than we do. 

I'm done playing BM's games and I dont care how mad she gets as long as it doesn't interfere with our future visitations and cause withholding.

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

Throw the overly perfumed toy into the wash and toss the watch out the window to a homeless person with all location devices active and wait for the fun to begin. 9 yos lose stuff all the time - just saying. 

**note - we dont' allow anything from BM's house into our house except the clothes on SS12's back. And those are washed immediately upon arrive to rid the them of the whore-perfume and cigarette smell. SS wears these cloths back to BM's house.