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accused of not wanting to be around SSs, sometimes that is true!

iris288's picture

I had a chance to catch up with a friend this weekend and was out most of the day, and my SO got totally bent out of shape, saying I was '$#@!ing rude' because he was waiting around to be able to do something all 4 of us (2 SSs, one 7, one 9, with us every other weekend). I havent seen this friend in person for a year because of covid restrictions, so I don't think it is unreasonable that I might spend a good chunk of time with her to catch up. My SO had not planned anything that I had missed, and I also took longer as I did the week's foodshopping as we both work fulltime, part time and are in school and I knew it wouldn't happen otherwise and wanted to make sure we were set up to go into a new work week. 

He said that he felt I didn't want to be around the boys, all because a few weeks ago I said that their bad behavior made me not want to be around them when they are like that. Me socializing had nothing to do with this. For context, the night I said that to him, was after a super challening second night at our house where they had not listened all day, were tearing through the house, and saying downride mean hateful things to my partner for most of the day, including "I hate you" on repeat "I hate my brother" "I wish you'd die" and other delightful phrases, along with "I hate it here I don't want to be here" etc etc etc. 

These comments are rarely directed at me, but deeply frustrate and bother me. It is emotionally exhausting to try and be present and provide a nice home for them only to have them say these things to my partner and not want to be here, and to react with screaming or resentment when any kind of discipline is used. BM is custodial parent and lets them do pretty much whatever - junk food, curse, all the electronics, etc etc. 

I am really irritated that he threw that conversation back in my face. Like, no, when they are behaving that way, I don't want to be around! I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from adults, why should I from your kids? Not to mention that a big part of it is feeling awful that they treat him this way! I don't know how to communicate this effectively, I can love them and still at times feel at my wits end and want desperately not to be around them. I suspect he had these moments too, based on his yelling at them, so I don't understand why he is allowed to have normal human emotions but I can't? ? Any tips on communicating this in a kind way? I know I have no idea what it is like to be a parent, but he has no idea what it is like being a bonus adult either. I have pretty much zero say in how they are raised but am still affected by those decisions and their actions, and it is still MY HOME. I don't think it is unreasonable to be peeved that either of us is being disrespected. 

 

tog redux's picture

Why does he need you around to do something with his kids? If you communicated that you were spending time with a friend on that day, why couldn't he just take them out and do something with them?

If you told him you'd be home at 11 and got home at 4 while he was waiting to go somewhere together, I could see his upset. But it sounds to me like he doesn't want to entertain his kids on his own.

iris288's picture

Exactly, we didn't have anything planned together all 4 of us for the day, and I knew he had homework to do so it isn't like I missed an event. I think he struggles a bit when it is just him, but he shouldn't be upset with me or want me there to just make it easier to manage their care - I want to be wanted for family stuff because he values my presence within the family unit.

Thumper's picture

Hmmmm.

You can do what you want, when you want to. JMO

 

Merry's picture

His kids are there to see HIM, their father. Not you. HE is the parent, and if you decide you want to participate in an activity, great. But he's the rude one expecting you to just be at home in case he decided to do something. Are you not supposed to have a life outside of him and his kids? That's nuts. Do NOT give up any piece of your life for someone else, much less someone else's kids.

And, all bio parents can't stand to be around their own kids now and then. He probably prefers you're there as a buffer so he doesn't have to deal with his hellions by himself. That is NOT your problem.

 

iris288's picture

Yes, I think it is likely that he likes a buffer. 

Plus, even he doesn't like his kids all the time. Why should I? 

futurobrillante99's picture

"Darling husband, what would you do with your kids if I was not in your life?" He answers. You say, "Then that's what you should do with them. You had your children with someone else and they have two parents. They are here to visit you and you're fully capable of planning things to do with your children. You can invite me but I can also decline because we both have busy schedules and I need time to myself. If you need help from time to time, please ask for it. I will help you if I can, but it's your responsbility."

WwCorgi7's picture

Sounds like he is possibly resentful. He has two brats he is fully responsible of that he can barely handle. They have awful behavior to the point that you don't always want to be around and he is partly to blame for that. You are free to do as you please as they are not your responsibility. That probably grinds his gears. Misery loves company, right?

CrownJewels's picture

He SWORE at you? Do you realize that is verbal abuse? Is he REALLY worth it? I don't think so! Plenty of childless fish in the sea in your age bracket! Let this bozo and his kids go!

My husband doesn't swear at me. He knows better. Once, a long time ago, he told me to "shut up" when we were having a bad argument. I freaked out on him. He has never said that since. I do not tolerate abuse of any kind. 

iris288's picture

At times it is very frustrating to feel like depsite being 8 years his junior that I am more emotionally mature. 

I don't think he was actually made about me seeing my friend but was struggling with being overwhelmed, jealous, etc and is bad at being able to articulate his feelings. If he could articulate his worries or name his emotions without lashing out, I'd be inclined to help, whereas that reaction makes me want to leave all 3 of them to their own devices. 

Winterglow's picture

"SO, why don't you teach them to behave themselves so that people would enjoy being around them?

Stepdrama2020's picture

"Oh hun, hate is such  a strong word, but seriously who wouldnt dislike kids who are rude and unpleasant to be around" smile and walk away.

Your DH is mad that he was left alone with two feral brats. Your DH can reap what he sows. You do not need any part in it.

MaryBethC's picture

Everyone here has given good advice so I won't give any input as I'd just be repeating what is already posted but I would like to ask this. Why do you put up with this man? You are not married, and you have even admitted he shows jealousy and uses you to help him with his spawn. What is appealing about a man like this?

iris288's picture

Well these behaviors are not appealing, true. The addition of his kids to our home and relationship is very hard and is more difficult than when we were dating, and I think harder as they get older. He's my partner and I love him, and value our shared interests, but sometimes staying feels frustrating. I never imagined it would be like this and honestly, if he could be a more consistent parent, I would be willing to weather the ups and downs in their behavior better. It doesn't always feel like he cares about addressing these behaviors (or has the determination to stick to discipline), and that is way more frustrating than the behavior itself.