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Just need to vent. Toxic BM (very long)

Biostep7777's picture

I really wish my husband would just drop rope. He won't so excuse my constant complaining. We are going to talk to our family therapist tomorrow. This is not a life I want to live. I think we have the most toxic BM. She's so manipulative and she's so proud of herself. 
So, we go out of town to my SS baseball tournament. We get an Airbnb and DH and SS go and do their thing with his team and me and my kids go do our thing. Then we were going to go to the tournament to watch SS but it got rained out. Oldest SS stayed with his mom because he had a game in town. The plan was that DH was going to grab him Sunday after the tournament since they stay with us until Monday. The reason SS stayed in town was so he didn't have to drive back and forth there and  back. (On sat I was going to stay with youngest and DH was going to take oldest to his game and drive back) So SS did not want to drive so he stayed with mom. Sunday comes and guess who shows up at the tournament? Yup BM and SS. He couldn't drive down and back in one day with dad but he could with mom? Oh and she didn't even tell DH they were coming (it's his parenting weekend) So, youngest SS was sitting with DH and BM walks over and starts saying to SS "what's wrong? Are you okay?? What's going on here?? Come with me!" SS was like "nothing is wrong, I'm fine" literally NOTHING was wrong. Wtf is she doing?? So we have had an issue with BM not  giving all of SS's school supplies so DH has to go back in the morning with kids to grab stuff. Our attorneys wrote a letter and once again. SS came to the game but didn't bring his stuff so instead of DH taking him from there he drove back with his mom to her house to grab his school stuff and she dropped him off. By the time they got here at 9:30! (DH got home at 8:00 there was no reason it took them that long) SS was all pissed off stomping around the house because she told him DH "forced him to come here" instead of just staying at her house. Youngest SS was pisses off because DH made him do laundry and take a shower. Yes you heard that right. Why should his royalty have to do his own laundry. They are awful! Also, my kids got into a bad fight on Saturday night and crossed the line and broke the house rules of no cursing at each other so their consequence was that they lost going to the Sunday game and I took them home. I'm sure SS is going to tell her alllllll about it. 
While we were there. She OFW'ed my husband literally 5 times with paragraphs full of nothing but her opinion of him, why didn't he stay at the hotel with the team? Asking about getting older SS a car even though he's a year away from driving, asking about this and that and so much shit. She told him "I am going to start using OFW because of your recent diagnosis of autism I am sure you are so overwhelmed and can't handle much so I will use it to help you for the benefit of our kids" I mean, sick!!! His diagnosis has NOTHING to do with using OFW. She's abusive. But this isn't harassment?? I don't get it. 
 

We managed to put her crap to the side but the difficult part is when it gets to the kids and it effects our entire house. DH didn't allow them to be disrespectful but we are just all exhausted from their crap. He's embarrassed that they act like this. My kids said hi and they just walk by, DH told them to say hello. But it's just constant and I'm so sick of it. Something has to change. They think they are the most important people in the universe and she puts soooooo much crap in their head, she will not agree to therapy because  she gets called out on her crap so she fired them and we can't even find one at this point that is taking clients (we specifically need one who specializes in high conflict/parental alienation) 

I'm living a nightmare. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just done with it all. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is how HCBMs behave when they are awaiting a court date.  Why does your court action seem to be taking forever?  Once things get settled she might be a bit better.

Hey, at least she's using OFW! You see how she made it because of him, so she didn't have to admit fault for not using it before? I'm guessing her attorney told her to start using it.  And yes, she will spin his diagnosis to make it seem as if he's a terrible parent because of it.

This stuff stressed me out incredibly too.  I don't know if I would have made it with DH if SS hadn't been alienated finally, as awful as that is to say. I just couldn't live with the constant stress of wondering when BM was going to make her next power play, or send her next email manifesto.

CastleJJ's picture

I agree. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop with BM. It was so nervewracking. While BM had sole custody, she was constantly emailing DH about things she disagreed with during our parenting time and in our daily lives. We received at least one to two 6 paragraph emails daily. If it related to visitation, she used to knit pick every little thing we did with SS, who SS was around, etc. If it was just DH and I, she used to knitpick DH and I traveling, DH and I moving to a new rental, DH and I blah, blah, blah. She always wanted DH to "communicate and coparent" about choices BM made regarding school, medical, etc., but she would freak out if DH didn't agree with her.

After BM moved, she spent years harassing DH via email, trying to get DH to visit SS in her state. BM said it was "important for SS to see DH in his community." BM thought it was reasonable for DH to drive 12 hours round-trip for routine doctor appointments, sporting events/practices, parent teacher conferences, etc. She would email DH calling him a "deadbeat" when he didn't attend these small things. DH and I went down to visit twice and it was hell. BM either limited the time DH had with SS or she accompanied SS during all visits with DH, so it was pointless. If we went down for a weekend, she only allowed DH maybe 3 hours with SS for the whole weekend or she showed up everywhere. DH stopped visiting because it was a hassle, allowed BM to continue her abuse, and it was expensive between hotel, food, gas, etc. During our court battle, BM proposed that all of DH's visitation occurred in her state. BM tried to say that since DH visited SS already, it was perfectly reasonable. She requested DH have all 6 weeks of his visitation in BM's state. She also offered to increase the visitation if DH visited more. This was a constant battle in court; every time the judge dismissed it because it was unreasonable and a financial burden, BM and her attorney would bring it up again. This topic was reintroduced 4 times before the end of our court battle. 

I feel like, even though we gained nothing in court, it shut BM down and limited the abuse. I think it also made DH stop fighting for SS. SS isn't completely alienated, but we don't communicate with BM nearly as much, except to confirm visitation. DH dropped rope in the sense that he let's BM make all decisions without questioning anything or expressing disagreement. If an email requires a response, he sends a 1 or 2 sentence response basically saying "Thanks for letting me know." Since BM doesn't get the fight she is looking for, she has slowed down. Honestly, BM having sole custody and us being long distance is the only reason DH and I can handle it. 

tog redux's picture

My DH did the same. BM wouldn't settle and wanted sole custody.  After a couple years of her making all decisions, informing him, and calling that "co-parenting", he opted to give her sole custody "because she acts like she's got it anyway".  She was never going to co-parent anyway, what was the point of him beating his head on the wall? 

When I hear the text tone that DH had back then, my heart starts racing.  And when he forwards me any email, that happens too - she used to write these 10 paragraph manifestos full of narcissistic garbage, UGH! I am glad those years are over.  

It did stop finally once DH started really ignoring her HARD, like replying to absolutely nothing.  But it was ugly for a while. 

CastleJJ's picture

Oh yeah, I've been there! When DH's phone even vibrated, I was always worried about it being BM. I used to get the sweaty palms, racing heart, racing thoughts, panic type of anxiety. BM used to send paragraphs upon paragraphs and one conversation took a whole day or even multiple days because she would email hours apart with several response threads. Emails were never just BM sending an email and DH responding; there was always multiple responses from BM. It used to be agony to wait for her abusive responses; it was all we could think about and would ruin a whole day. I still get shaky and my heart races when I hear his phone vibrate. 

One email conversation, BM informed DH that SS was getting sick right before our visitation. DH requested a copy of her insurance card on the off chance he needed to take SS to the doctor during visitation. BM sent back 6 lengthy emails over the course of three days, saying that she didn't trust DH to not commit medical insurance fraud and that he would fail to inform her of the treatment protocol for SS' illness. Then she sent a plan for DH to take SS to her parents so her parents could seek medical attention. Then she emailed a "pro and con" list of choices. DH finally emailed back telling BM, nevermind keep the insurance card, because DH didnt want to be falsely accused of fraud. Then she emailed back saying that by DH rejecting the card, he was admitting guilt that he would commit fraud and that she was right to withhold it. DH ignored this email. Then the day of visitation, she emailed DH again to confirm he didn't want the card. It was nonstop and caused major stress for 3 days. 

I used to ask DH daily if BM emailed. He used to try to hide it from me due to my anxiety, but you could tell he was bothered. I didn't like that it was being hidden and felt it was putting a strain on our relationship so he started telling me.

When we printed out 3 years worth of emails for our attorney to start the court process, the emails wouldn't even fit in a 5" binder. It took our attorney 3 months to review them all and he was shocked. DH said that BM showed up to the court ordered evaluation/investigation with a giant binder. Our attorney subpoenaed for a copy of the binder and it was over 900 pages of "proof" against DH, highlighted and color coordinated. These women are nuts. 

I am thankful it is better now, but we still have 9 years and I know BM can't keep the peace for that long. 

tog redux's picture

Yep - it's all about power and control. What is it with insurance cards? When DH and I met, he was separated from BM and on her insurance. She insisted once on him giving her back the old card because supposedly the insurance company "wanted it back".  DH grew up in Canada so had no experience with the US insurance industry.  BM had the same insurance company I did, and I told him that in all my years of having insurance, never once have they asked for the old cards back again, they just send a new one and you destroy the others.  She insisted up and down.  I can't imagine needing to control every little dang thing like that. It must be a hellish existence.

Biostep7777's picture

Ugh!! I know. We filed right before Covid hit last March. Courts were already backed up and we were looking at about a year. Now they are really backed up so looking at around September. I might be dead by then. Lol!!! 
 

Yes, she already fired her first attorney so now she's on attorney number two. From what our attorney has told us, this one is much more reasonable so they are hopeful he will talk some sense into her. Yeah okay. I mean he did get her to use OFW. I highly doubt he told her to totally blame it on DH's diagnosis though which literally has nothing to do with it. It's 100% because she is high conflict and she can't control herself. 

tog redux's picture

No, he didn't tell her that. That was her way of saving face because DH has been asking her to use it and she's been refusing. That part is good! Now there is proof of how she harasses him. 

Winterglow's picture

She's such an ignorant bully. As if he changed overnight because he got a diagnosis. Greta Thunberg considers her Asperger's to be a superpower and not the contrary. 

Anyway, I'm happy to see that she's busy hanging herself with the rope of OFW. Hopefully, you'll get a "normal" judge who will take one look at the stuff she's putting in there and think "what a shrew!"

tog redux's picture

Well, it's a way to hurt him, ridicule him, and try to make the court see him as deficient all in one fell swoop! 

Winterglow's picture

Unless someone has the brains to realize she was married to him for years and never suspected he had autism until he got a diagnosis... Therefore, where does the problem lie?

tog redux's picture

She'd spin that too - "Oh, I knew something was wrong with him, and I was terrified to leave him alone with the kids" blah blah blah

Biostep7777's picture

Exactly. She spins everything. If we didn't bring it up it would have been in discovery and she would say we were hiding it so DH felt being upfront was the best approach and that it gave him more validation that SS has it (which she denies) ummm my SS most definitely absolutely 100000% has autism. There is a 0% chance he doesn't. He has every single characteristic and it's just so obvious. I wrote about this in another post. She disagrees and said he is happy and engaged and doing well in school so no reason to have him evaluated. Omg. 
Also, my husband is a wonderful man, he is a great dad/stepdad, a great husband, he is very successful, he graduated from one of the most prestigious colleges in the world and he has a very good career at the same company he's been at for 10 years which he is very well respected at. 
She will try to say he's incompetent because of his diagnosis but where?? Steady job, steady marriage, never drinks, never done drugs, no criminal record, he is as stable as they come. 

Biostep7777's picture

Exactly. She was so insulted that DH stated that he is certain SS has it too and that he feels it's important to have him evaluated. She went off saying "SS is happy and engaged, he is doing great in school. He is wonderful! There's no reason to test a successful young man who is thriving" 

Yeah but he has told us both that he feels "different" and has made several comments like this that he is obviously struggling. She refuses to see anything "wrong" with them and made it seem like autism is an insult to SS. So weird! 
I told DH that it's the things from having autism that I love the most about him. He is loyal and honest, I always know he will be upfront with me, incredibly smart, he's an out of the box thinker, he's literally brilliant, he can build anything I ask him to build, the way his mind works is so different which I find pretty sexy lol!! He is so funny and witty, he is very successful at work and if we have issues he is so open to hearing me out and he thrives to fix it. He's different than anyone else and that is what I was attracted to. It's a shame that she views Autism in such a negative light. It's such a disservice to their son.