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Living Apart to Stay Together

Dubious's picture

After 4 years, DH and myself are making the difficult decision to live in separate houses due to our blend just not blending.  He has 4 kids - all teens. I have a special needs son, 8.  Our physical home does not have an ideal layout for our blend.  He let his his kids choose their rooms and we have issues with different schedules and noise.  His kids are night owls/sleep in past noon and 2 are remote learning.  Mine is an early riser, attends in person school, has difficulty sleeping/staying asleep/falling asleep, has sensory issues, and behavioral issues.  He's on medication, but is often loud or argumentative.  DH and I have argued a lot over family issues. He and my son butt heads while I butt heads with his two middle teens.  

Has anyone done the two households thing and have any tips or tricks to make it work.  I'm sad, terrified, hopeful all at the same time.  I'm looking forward to a home where I'm not a servant to 4 messy, inconsiderate teens and I'm sure he's looking forward to a home without an overly sensitive, loud, argumentative grade schooler.

GrudgingSM's picture

DH and I are in the same place, so I don't have a long term success story, but I do have a lot of empathy and can definitely say you're not alone.

one thing we are doing is talking about that we feel marriage means and what ways that commitment is important to us. How are we still making each other a priority? How are we trying to keep the great parts great while we give ourselves the time (and space!) to recover from the bad parts. My therapist said that when marriages hit the rocks people make the mistake of trying to level up to make up for the emotional debts the marriage has created so each person has to give something up. Maybe that's just the living together thing. Maybe that's past hurts. But I hope that it's a decision that lets both of us maintain the good parts of marriage and let ourselves heal as we go forward.

GrudgingSM's picture

DH and I are in the same place, so I don't have a long term success story, but I do have a lot of empathy and can definitely say you're not alone.

one thing we are doing is talking about that we feel marriage means and what ways that commitment is important to us. How are we still making each other a priority? How are we trying to keep the great parts great while we give ourselves the time (and space!) to recover from the bad parts. My therapist said that when marriages hit the rocks people make the mistake of trying to level up to make up for the emotional debts the marriage has created so each person has to give something up. Maybe that's just the living together thing. Maybe that's past hurts. But I hope that it's a decision that lets both of us maintain the good parts of marriage and let ourselves heal as we go forward.

Findthemiddle's picture

Cannot say it better than GrudgingSM.  Sometimes a little space and moment to reconnect with one’s self is the best option.  Wishing you the best.

Rags's picture

I get the why,  however,  better to split the blanket and move on IMHO.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

SO and I are doing the same thing. When the decision was made to seperate. I initially felt a roller coaster of emotions.

Currently I am feeling a lot of anger and resentment for all the hurt that occurred in our relationship. I'm hoping to start to heal old wounds that I have been unable to let go of. 

Living together even though SO is actually trying to be a good boyfriend. It's hard for me to move forward and let go because some of the wounds are still fresh. I am not ready to trust him in that he will really be there for me when it comes to not taking me for granted. 

I am hopeful the space and return to peace in my home will help me heal. I know he is committed to me and I am committed to working on our relationship. We both want this to make us stronger as a couple. 

I don't know if things will work out between us. All I do know is that if we don't give it a try our relationship will not survive the way it is.

Unsureofthis's picture

You are doing the right thing. I wish my SO would see how this could be the answer to our problems too. For me the important thing would be to keep remembering that it wouldn't be a permanent solution - just until all children are adults - and hence to maintain the romance in the relationship until then.