Are my feelings normal?
I really need to vent/get advice or just reassurance, I'm not even sure tbh. This is a long story but I'll try to cut it down as much as I can. I'm late 30's, divorced and my partner is 40, also divorced. We've been together 9 years. When we first started dating, to save time I had set questions (are you married? Do you work? Do you have kids? etc) This was partly down to bad experiences and partly down to the fact that at the time I didnt want kids and I certainly didnt want to take someone else's on (I know that sounds terrible but I'd seen friends completely destroyed by being in a blended family) so it was better to make my position clear early on. Fast forward 5.5 years and he reveals he "might" have a daughter. I firmly believe he knew he did in fact have a child but didn't want to say since he'd never had anything to do with her. It took me all of 5 mins to find a picture online which showed she was very obviously his. He made some half hearted attempts to find out more about her then abandoned the idea when it became difficult. I struggled with the idea of all this at the time, honestly I felt a bit hurt as the year before we'd discussed having kids and he wasn't on board so finding out he had had a child with someone else (his ex wife, they'd divorced before the child was born) felt like a knife in my back. I worked hard to try and mentally get past that but was secretly relieved when he abandoned the idea of making contact. Since then, I've aged out of the idea of having kids and we never mentioned his possible (probable) paternity thereafter. That was until a few weeks ago, he suddenly announced he was ready to find her. I nearly choked as he started talking about how she could come stay with us at weekends etc and felt this anger/resentment I didnt expect. The girl is about 15 or 16 and I really can't see this being a good thing since his ex wife hates him and probably told the girl she'd been abandoned. To top it all, I know my partner is going to expect me to be fully onboard and since he works all weekend I'd be the one left with her which I really really don't want. I feel like building a wall round our home and posting the guards! I like our life as it is. I feel terrible but I want to tell him this is his journey not mine, that I want nothing to do with a child that isn't anything to do with me and that my feelings are being completely disregarded (in fact he hasnt even asked how I feel, surely my feelings are relevant?) I dont want to say "don't do this" but at the same time I do. The girl looked happy and healthy, all I can see happening from this is the destruction of her and our happiness. I'd rather he just send money for her. Worst of it is, I know if I say I'm not helping he'll not bother as it's too much work for a man who works all the hours and would struggle on his own, so I want to refuse my help. I hate the fact I resent a teenager existing, its disgraceful, but that's how I feel. I don't want to be a stepmother. I don't want my world torn apart by something I've been careful to avoid. But I also don't want to throw away the life we've built together. Are my feelings normal? Has anyone on here had a similar situation? If so, how did it play out?