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School meeting tomorrow need Advice

Jillstepmom65's picture

DH has SD14 Annual 504 plan meeting tomorrow with the school and BM. SD14 has been a TOTAL mess this year. Refusing to go to school, refusing to do HW or listening to her teachers. This all falls on BM's parenting time.  Do to the Custody order BM has SS14 during the week and DH has her on the weekends. 

SD14 has ALWAYS been a Spoiled disrespectful brat. Then add she's a mini wife who has to be up daddy's ass 24/7. My life was a living hell that is intill SD14 Discovered video games at 12. Video games have been a life changer for me when SD14 is over. SD14 will play for HOURS and I Actually can have adult conversations with DH. 

Here is the issue...BM has ALWAYS hated SD14 playing video games at our house and had no problem telling DH this. DH was always my house my rules and basically told BM to go jump in a lake. 

Well here is the problem...DH called to talk to SD14 Guidance counselor about SD14 poor school behavior.  The Guidance counselor told DH14 that the school is going to "Recommend" ALL video games be taken away from SD14. I was like WTF. Now DH NEVER complained about video games and SD14 never played them at school SO this crap must be being pushed by BM to try and "control" our house. Now if DH takes away ALL video games SD14 will be Unbearable and up DH ass 24/7. I will NEVER have any adult time with DH. 

So here is my question..when the school brings up they recommend that SD14 is not allowed to play video games at home what is a good Response from DH? DH can't just say he does not agree without a reason. I thought DH could counter by saying SD14 needs to get her HW done before playing video games but is this good enough? I need to do whatever I can to prevent this train  wreck that will happen. Help!

tog redux's picture

Well- what is their reason for taking them away, let's start there.  And is there room for DH to use them as a reward for positive behavior and work completion?

It's still up to DH whether or not he follows that recommendation. I don't personally think cutting kids off entirely is helpful, it just makes gaming more attractive.  Limits and use of them as a reward is a better approach.

Jillstepmom65's picture

Is after DH stated S14 stays up till 11pm playing at BM's house BUT that does not explain why they want Video games completely taken away. As long as SD14 gets her HW done I don't see why the school feels ALL video games need to be taken away. Personally I feel BM is behind this. BM can't get SD to go to bed so I'm thinking BM is the one who wants the school to Pressure DH to get rid of the video games so BM won't have to be the only bad guy

ESMOD's picture

In the end.. your DH has ultimate control over what happens in his house.  If he wants to allow his daughter to play video games.. he can.. it doesn't matter what BM says.. it doesn't matter what the school says really.

HOWEVER... he can't absolve himself completely from the school issues just because she spends the weekdays with her mom.  He is her father 7 days a week whether she is with him or not.  Does he call her to discuss her schoolwork and to see if she is working on it?  Does he follow up to see if she has work that needs to be done on the weekend if she slacked off during the week?  Does he insist that she complete those projects before she is allowed to play her games?  Does he ask her to bring her schoolwork on the weekend so he can go over her progress?  

I think he needs to be willing to take more responsibility for being an active participant in her education.  That means that if she hasn't completed work on mom's time.. he needs to work with her to get it done on HIS time.. even if that means less time with OP when the girl visits on the weekends.. He can't force his EX to be more vigilant.  He can agree that not allowing games unless she is keeping up with her work until work is caught up would be important.  He can also give her consequences for not behaving properly in school.. it doesn't have to be a complete ban.. but he could limit her access if she isn't doing well during the week.

simifan's picture

That sounds like something BM pushed for the school to recommend. I can hear her complaining - "You know this is all DH's fault he allows her to play video games all day and night." I'd want to know their reasoning and how they expect to accomplish it.

Who never plays video games? Are they taking her phone away? Hell, I can play solitaire on the TV. Not to mention, most schools GIVE laptops or tablets to students. Seriously, how do you expect a 14 year old to give up electronics forever? This seems completely unrealistic. 

Jillstepmom65's picture

We just can't prove it. Basically BM can't control SD and we know SD plays video games at BM. Since BM cant and/or does not want to be the "bad guy" to SD so she's putting the school up to make this "Recommendation" also because BM knows DH will not listen to her. BM needs DH to support her on this then at least SD will hate them both rather than just BM. DH fear is if he does not follow the Recommendations of the school he could get into trouble with family court since we KNOW BM is going to side with the school. DH needs a good response or Alternative when the school presents this

tog redux's picture

BM may side with the school, but she's not going to be able to stop SD from playing video games and staying up late, or she would have already.  So even if she agrees with them, the evidence will show that she continues to allow it.

OP - what platform does your SD use to play? Does she play online? If so, you may be able to see her gaming profile and thereby prove that she's still gaming on BM's time. Family court will not get involved in whether she games or not - that's a minor issue. And if she's doing poorly in school, it's just as much BM's fault.

Jillstepmom65's picture

Refuses to buy her one for BM's house. SD plays video games on her phone at BM's house. BM has voiced her opinion about allowing SD to play on the Xbox but DH just Ignored her complaining. Now BM seems to be Stepping up her game and getting the school involved

Stepdrama2020's picture

Id give the lil mini wife video games behind DH's back. To hell with whats good for her, you need quality time. LOL

In all seriousness lady, video games are not the answer to sqwashing mini wife behavior. That comes from DH.

I feel your pain. 

Jillstepmom65's picture

Unfortunately the gaming device SD Uses is the Xbox which is in our living room. I even gave SD a 32 in smart tv with a Xbox in hopes to "Encourage" her to hang out in her room more. Nope Princess Has to be within ear shot of daddy dearest at all times. I purchased her TV over three years ago and she NEVER once used it. She insists on being around DH 24/7. At least the video games keep her Entertained without them SD is a living nightmare. Daddy this and daddy that 24/7!

Stepdrama2020's picture

She is a pain in the ass. WTF any kid would love all these electronics and with that you'd never see her again . GAWD! Does your DH see this as a problem? Cause he should. Does he try and stop her mini wife behavior ? 


Jillstepmom65's picture

Now DH does not Encourage the clingyness but does not Discouraged either. I'm thinking out of divorce daddy guilt which SD milks. Gets that crap from BM. Now DH has a older daughter who was very Independent (normal) and would go hang out with friends or watch tv in her room for hours and DH did not care. 

Rags's picture

Say and do nothing is always an option.  Since BM has the Skid M-F school is on BM.  Let BM figure it out and suffer the consequences. 

In fact.... DH pays BM for the care and education of his daughter and DH should climb up BM's ass for failing to deliver on what he pays her to provide.

Even if she is gaming herself into a moronic state when she is at Daddy's house, she is not misbehaving.

He can put this firmly on BM.  If he chooses to.

That said, I detest parents who outsource parenting to a screen.  Initially we were okay with gaming in our home.  Then we started to see the behavioral degradation that so often seems to come with excessive gaming. So... we eliminated all video games in our home and they never came back.  That was when SS was in ~6th grade.    He used to play games with the SpermIdiot upon occasion whenever the dumbass would actually see SS when he was on SpermLand visitation.  He had 4 large TV's set up as his gaming monitor that covered his LR wall.  He used to play hours and hours of games while all 4 of his kids sat and watched him.  He rarely let them play on his system.

When SS graduated from HS and launched at 18, he did get back into gaming once he finished Basic and Tech School in the USAF.  He did let it interfere in his real life but in fairly short order realized that in order to succeed in his career and have the friendships and experiences that he wanted to have he had to manage his gaming. And he has.