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SD16 is full-on passive aggressive

Merrigan's picture

This girl only sees me once a month or so, yet she feels the need to be such a bully in the little time I'm actually around her.

The effects of me disengaging from her have gotten out of control. I'm not rude - I just say no thanks to hours of games or playing with dolls. (Yes, she's 16). Her meal was wrong with our delivery order, and she wanted mine (again), but I had put hot sauce on it (again). I had two glasses of red with my bf at dinner - she believes all alcohol is poison. So the result of all this?  She flipped. Door slamming and screaming. I just walked away, locked myself in BF's room and cried.

Day two - passive aggressive comments. I'm an old lady (ha), with no interests. All I want to do is dangerous stuff like cycling and swimming, which is boring and "cocky". I even heard "I bet if we had a fireplace, you'd get drunk like all adults do and the house would burn down".  She would be quiet until I entered the room, and then start sucking spit through her teeth and exclaiming "AHHHH". Constantly ask what I was going, where I was going, what I was looking at.  Kicking her feet on the table and singing.  Saying how awesome she is to herself and watching me for a reaction.

I spoke to my BF, and yet again I said this was unacceptable, that she's rude and hurtful, and he needs to call her out in the moment, not ask her to apologize later on. He finally admitted that she's angry with anyone who refuses to do exactly what she says, that she thinks her wants are more important than anyone else's, that she doesn't care about anyone else's level of comfort or happiness other than her own. She said this directly to him. There is no changing her, no reasoning with her.

I've blogged here about this so many times now that it's just a broken record to whoever reads, over and over again. I've been having panic attacks with vomiting over the last six months - stress from covid as well, of course, which so many people are dealing with. But here, we all deal with this stepshit on top of everything.

I'm angry, I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed. And I'm not ready to end it with my BF. But SD16 is such BS to deal with and he's always known it.  I don't share my things with her, I don't play games with her, I always respond politely and will have conversations at times. This isn't ENOUGH for her. She's angry now that she can't control me.

This has to be something other than her anxiety. Her mom is the same way. My friends think both of them are sociopaths.  Histrionic?  Borderline?  Am I tossing out psych terms unnecessarily?  Just effing losing it here. 

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

I give you credit you engage with her in any capacity. What a kill joy b*tch.

Obviously she is challenged. 16 and plays with dolls? That sounds sweet UNTIL she opens her mouth and spews her venom.

I hope your BF is worth the pain. You do realize unless you NEVER see her your life will be miserable. If you can handle seeing her ok, but going in your BF room to cry when you do is not a healthy way to live.

tog redux's picture

Why oh why are you not ready to end it? She's entitled because he made her that way. And he could undo it with some good parenting, but he won't. He'd rather see you suffer than parent his child. 
 

 

Gimlet's picture

Can you help me understand why you aren't ready to end it?  He is a crap father, he's a crap partner, and I see nothing compelling at all about this man.

He finally admitted that she's angry with anyone who refuses to do exactly what she says, that she thinks her wants are more important than anyone else's, that she doesn't care about anyone else's level of comfort or happiness other than her own. She said this directly to him. There is no changing her, no reasoning with her.

And yet, he contines to do nothing.  No therapy.  No attempts to parent her.  Nothing.  FOTY, let me tell you.

And honestly, does it matter what her diagnosis is?  Because she isn't going to get help, she isn't going to change, and you are just wasting your time hoping that things are going to get better.  She isn't going anywhere and your boyfriend isn't getting any better or smarter in the meantime.

You are an intelligent and caring person, why on earth are you still putting up with this?  You are so much better and stronger than crying in your boyfriend's room because his asshole daughter has once again spoiled your night while he does NOTHING.

And I am usually not one to advocate being harsh with kids but the day that a 16 year old told me that "I bet if we had a fireplace, you'd get drunk like all adults do and the house would burn down"  I would absolutely look at her and tell the little bitch that she was not to disrespect me like that EVER and that would go DOUBLE for your clueless boyfriend.  It would be a cold day in hell when an incompetent child shamed me.   

Find your anger and stop letting these morons walk all over you, Merrigan.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Dang your response was excellente!

OP find your courage and anger to vacate the building

futurobrillante99's picture

Have you ever watch the bad seed? 
 

Please watch it. This bitch sounds like that little girl.

advice.only2's picture

"And I'm not ready to end it with my BF"

Then you will have to make peace with and tolerate this level of behavior from her.

caninelover's picture

If he can't control his darling child then he has to make sure you have no contact with her.  And you need to ask him if he plans on supporting (i.e.) allowing this monster to live with him after she finished high school or turns 18.  And he needs to get his child professional help.

It doesn't seem the situation is tolerable if it is impacting your physical health.

Smashytalk's picture

Hearing about this little bitch makes me want to open up a bottle of wine and (not) burn my house down. I don't have a fireplace otherwise I probably would cause that's what drinking does! *biggrin*. Sorry you're dealing with her and her spineless father.

futurobrillante99's picture

I'd have been tempted to look at the little witch and say, with a cold look on my face, "Honey, a fireplace is not necessary to burn a house down." Then walk away.

Floral_SM's picture

Oh that's just so bad! Your bf does nothing when you tell him?? That's even worse. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. I would love to respond with 'Yep, I love a glass of red. Getting drunk and burning down a house sounds a lot more fun than putting up with you once a month.' Haha if only we could say what we think to these 'innocent' children. 

Merrigan's picture

He's upset by her behaviour, and he "talks" to her. (How many times has this phrase been used on ST?).  There's something wrong with him too, tbh.

That girl would drive anyone to drink. Also, she's more likely to burn down the house, if you check my post history. 

Merrigan's picture

Yep, that's her. She lit her napkin on fire on the candle centrepiece and dropped it on the tablecloth. Fun times!

caninelover's picture

Pyromaniacs would be a deal-breaker for me!  Kudos for not losing it on this kid.

The_Upgrade's picture

No doubt about it, your SD sounds like a nutjob. Crazy people don't miraculously get better on their own. So ask yourself what steps are being enforced to correct SD's behaviour. If no steps, or wrong steps are taken then her behaviour won't change. If she doesn't change where does that leave you? 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

If she is only there once a month, can you go stay in a hotel while she is there? I suggest this only because it is clear that her behavior is not going to change - so I'm trying to suggest a solution that will bring you the most peace. That would be better than getting physically ill over the situation. While we all know you shouldn't have to leave - in your case it might be the only solution.