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I can do this

DogGuardian's picture

So far this site has really helped me realise that the issue in my house has absolutely nothing to do with me and all about the dynamics between SO and SD (23).  Yes I am responsible for managing my expectations and how I want to manage my home but ultimately their behaviour is just that, theirs!

I have counselling right to help me overcome my own personal issues and this has been very inciteful into how I manage and respond to the stimulus in my home.  I have realised that the things I want doing in my home to my standard I have to go through SD herself (which I have been avoiding tbh) so she knows these are my requests and to have to respect about them.  I will say them continuously until she does them and i no longer care that I get a surly lip curled at me and a sarcastic question back.  This is her issue and not mine.  

Some of you might think I should just push everything back to SO but these are my issues and I have to deal with them.  Yes he should be properly parenting her and he should be telling her straight to get her stuff together and grow up but I can't change that, I can only change how I manage these issues.

I have realised that I have almost tried to gather evidence of her misdemeanors to present to SO so he actually believes my point.  This I now know isnt going to work as SD in his eyes can do no wrong unless there is tangible unequivicable proof, and I am not wasting my energy anymore trying to prove my point, so I will be going direct to source.

I have also been finding myself mirroring her behaviour and this has caused me anxiety as the behaviour I have been expressing just isnt me.  For example for days she will come downstairs, not speak and will disappear leaving things in the sink, so I have also not spoken to her nor made an effort.  This morning I was myself, I said morning and I now feel more empowered as I am being me and not being squashed down to behave like her, spoilt!

My mental health has been quiet unbalanced for a couple of months due to my managing my overwhelming grief of a miscarriage and I have truly struggled to feel confident enough to manage SD surly attitude and continued expectation of being waited on by her dad.  It got to the point I have had to go onto medication and I am so happy I have!  I feel clear and focused and I know I need to manage this awful situation better than they both are.

I can do this and to others, you will be ok when you take your own power back.  For me my partner went from a good partner, great step dad to a man I didnt know when his daughter is around and this is what I have struggled with.  Seeing the person you love acting like someone you really wouldn't give the time of day to is shocking, hurtful and downright like having a bad trip!  But we will get there if we truly want to and for me I know he won't have her living here for years as he just isnt like that but I know it will probably go on for far longer than I want. 

tog redux's picture

Part of getting adult kids to grow up and leave home is making it less comfortable for them to live there.  If you are willing to be the bad guy and do that, then fine. But if your SO is supporting her and will continue to do so (both financially and emotionally), that will make it challenging. 

DogGuardian's picture

I agree with you.  Thankfully he doesn't support her financially in any way shape or form its just the guilt dad that comes out.  I am more than happy to be the bad cop as I really do not care anymore if she likes me, my rules or not, which to be honest feels like a blesed relief.

ndc's picture

Is SD paying rent to live with you? Is she paying for her food? Chipping in for her share of the utilities? If not, he's supporting her, at least in part. If she is paying fair market value for all of that, why in the world is she living with you?

DogGuardian's picture

She is paying a small nominal rent and is working part time whilst doing a Masters Degree.  Basically she is living with us as she doesnt want to spend her money on rent......... we have all had to do it but she seems to think she is exempt if she can live here.  Personally I think she doesnt want to spend her cash and she is afraid to be responsible for herself.

Stepdrama2020's picture

I know the right thing to do is let DH parent her and set boundaries. BUT DANG its your home and if you know he is too chicken shit to let the princess adult then you have every right to set rules. You go girl. Be that byatch make life hard. You are prob considered evil anyways so dang it play the part to the max. I did and I never had ex SD in my house again. She even tried to control my home from afar, thats how nuts they can be. keep doing you and to hell with everyone else.

CLove's picture

Id rain down extra hard on this b!tch. If she wants to make up things and be horrible, double-down and get on her.

Shes an adult. She can live somewhere else if she doesnt like it.

Her entitlement makes my stomach turn.

Missingme's picture

Problem with her raining down on the SD is that her dad will in turn rain down on SM!  I'm not so sure it'll work out the way you think it will if you play too hard.  

caninelover's picture

I had this same issue and first would run everything through SO.  Then we decided I would engage SD directly.  Guess what - she runs and complains to SO. 

So in the end both you and SO need to be on the same page (or at least the same chapter) or it doesn't really help.

I hope you have better luck if that's what you ultimately decide to do.