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Controlling adult stepdaughter toward father

Lady21's picture

My partner became a widow not unexpectedly 4yrs ago. Since being together his true self has evolved and blossomed, his past relationship was dominated by wife and two children.

he said he stayed through her illness out of marital vows and I commend him for that. But it has had a lasting effect in that the children immediately tried to take their mothers place by dictators of his adult life.

namely meeting me dating me and now living together they have on three occasions split us up , his reason for taking there side was he felt sorry for them and as his wife spoilt them he felt he now had to be mum and dad to two kids in there 20's.

One child turned his back on our relationship the other has stayed around and makes a point of only calling when she is depressed which goes to money which goes to him making promises he can't keep.

I am totally ignored unless it is for him to discuss the issues she has with me then go back to her a knight in shining armour. 
I'm not looking for credit, I simply feel I'm a source of help but shown no respect or gratitude I doubt she even knows it's me behind the scenes making suggestions, I have four grown children who all hold there own and do not interfere with my life. Does anyone else feel like this or am I being selfish ?

I don't care what he does financially it's his money let her spend it but live frugally and keep a good home and pay my way.

 

tog redux's picture

He is the problem here, not them. Unless he commits to putting you first regardless of how they feel about it, this will continue. Stop tolerating that kind of treatment from him. Right now he thinks he can have it both ways, giving in to their nonsense AND keeping you. 

SteppedOff's picture

Please read this and reread this. Do not cut him one break with this..it will be looked upon as a weakness and your boundaries continuously bombed.

I have been married to a widow for more than10 years. Things started out this way but I can tell you...not for long. Stay strong, respect yourself always, and make it clear it is this way or another....and the other does not include you.

 

CLove's picture

There are a lot of details missing from this picture, but you might find out more about this and find that it fits your situation.

 

Rags's picture

I think the question is why do you stay in a relationship with someone who tolerated this crap for one minute much less for a 20+ year marriage and continues to tolerate it from his adult children?

You need to make better decisions and improve your standards for a mate.

Lady21's picture

This site is a life saver, when you feel like the world 

is on your shoulders, you listen to another's experience and your eyes are opened.

it's painful but like they say "the truth hurts"

thankx guys