Update to AITA ....ie my mother
Well, I had about enough of her shenanigans....and let her have it today.
Asked her what exactly she wanted me or my sister to do about there situation? Like what...her response..I just want some sympathy.
Ok....we have given you sympathy....yep my Dad is not easy to live with...but what exactly does us giving you "sympathy" look like....there is a difference between sympathy and wanting us to solve the issue and or side with you againg my Dad. Not gonna happen...she didn't have a response to that one.
Then I got..."oh ok then I won't tell you about your father."
OK sounds good....
Then I asked about the cats....and got she is taking them to the vet tomorrow to have them put down. (one is like 19 years old....she is old and probably not long for this world..but other isn't). I told her she is being ridiculous but I couldn't stop her if that is what she wanted to do. That she would have to live with it..not me. I thought it was a stupid idea instead of just listening to my sister THE VET.
Then she moved onto she doesn't want to live...(I gotta thank my ex for the training on this one). I told her if that is true then I would be calling the police and I would have her committed. My mom then through out that is what your father tells me too. Well no kidding mom..if you threatened to kill yourself most people will call to have you commited. I told her she needs to get a therapist and work on these issues and/or have her meds adjusted. I also told her to quit trying to gaslight me..I have had enough of that shit to last a lifetime.
After the sucide tactic didn't work, it was tell me my Dad is constantly telling her what she does wrong all day long. That may be true..my Dad bitches about a lot of stuff. I told her..ignore what my Dad says and do what you want. Her response...your Dad will get mad. My response...he will get mad either way...so either you do what want and be a little bit happy or don't ignore him and be miserable. Your choice...he is who he is....either deal with or not.
Alot of what I heard was....your dad will get mad...your dad doesn't like it when I do x...your dad doesn't blah blah blah...total victim mode. I told her who cares what he likes or dislikes...what is he going to divorce you? Good luck on that one..and if he does...well then your problem is sovled.
Last but not least she is determined to torpedo her relationship with my DD by telling my DD she shouldn't have anything to with her father and how dare she expect me to pay for everything for her. (for the record my DD feels awful that her father doesn't pay for anything but hasn't reached the stage where she can stand up to him. ) So...this will only make my DD upset and my DD will pull away from her. I told my mother I don't this is a good idea but its up to her. I got...what I'm not entiled to my opinion. Oh your entitled to one...but you just maybe shouldn't tell everyone your opinion and if you do be prepared to accept the consequences.
So...I'm guessing I won't hear from her for awhile. I did give my sister a heads up that I finally told my mother she needs help and stop with the drama. My sisters response was "Wow you've got a set a balls. I just ignore her when she starts her shit since I just can't deal with it."
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Honestly, I'd read up on
Honestly, I'd read up on having a Borderline parent, it sounds very much like it (the "I don't want to live" stuff clinches it for me). I have a friend whose mother was similar and had been diagnosed borderline. She was simply impossible to deal with. My friend ended up cutting her off, and then her father, too, after her mother died.
As an older person myself.....
I totally endorse everything you have said and done. But let me give you some perspective about your dad's negativity. Im watching my 83yo DH age. He was/is a funny, sensible man who is an over-achiever in life. He has days now when he never says one positive thing, it's complaints all day long, about how I do things, about one of the kids or grandkids, about politics, about a sports team, etc. It's tiresome to live with. But, from his view, after a long, busy fruitful life, he really does know how many things should be done, he can tell when something will cause trouble, he really does know the best way to do many things. Of course, he is often wrong, too, like everyone. So, I'm guessing that your dad's negativity is similar. A feeling like, "if they'd only listen to me".
I doubt there's any cure for this, it's probably been going on for millions of years, older people being cranky. Lol.
As people get older, their
As people get older, their natural personality traits get amplified, but being cranky isn't necessarily normal. From what you have said, your DH was always a bit of a "my way or the highway" type, he just probably doesn't try to stifle it anymore.
Plus I'm going to guess that Halo's mom is not in her 80s, maybe even as young as her 60s. But people with BPD tend to get worse with age.
My Dad is 77 going on 78
and my mom is 74 going on 75. My Dad too is usually sort of the my way or the highway kinda guy....drove me nuts as child. I just learned to ignore him when I knew my way was better. I think my Dad has gotten worse due to his inability to walk anymore and just age catching up with him and not being able to do as much anymore.
Mom has always been sort of the drama queen but it has been amped up in the last two months or so. I don't know it its COVID or my Dad and his nit picking getting worse or what. I just know in the last few months she has really gone off the rails.
"My way or the highway"
Very perceptive of you, Tog, yes, he is definitely that way. One upside is that it produces stubborn, tough kids since they have to be that way in order to have their own lives. Lol.