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The paternity/custody drama continues

Lostandconfusedlady's picture

Well everyone, it's been about 2 weeks since my DH swore he'd get this whole mess with sd sorted out.  In his defense he did talk to a lawyer in sd homestate.  The lawyer told him it was hopeless because she is too old and in the divorce decree between her mother and her ex husband she is included as his child.  This leaves my DH with no way to get paternity established in that state. 

That's when DH melted into a puddle and started saying bm wants to get paternity established and her ex husband and bd of 3 other kids would co-operate in establishing paternity.  He is supposed to be setting up this meeting between the 3 of them with the lawyer that specializes in fathers rights in Michigan.  

He has really convinced himself that this will all go smoothly.  Literally the only way it will work out in his favor is if hcbm co-operates.  She only messages him to ask for money and tell him how horrible he is for not sending more.  She keeps talking about how she spends 500$ per kid for Christmas and he only gave 100$ to her for gifts, etc etc etc.  

DH has said he's decided to commit himself fully to our family and to put us first and do what he can for sd.  He has also agreed if hcbm refuses to allow him to establish paternity that it will be time to say goodbye to sd at least until she's an adult and then he can try to connect with her again if she wants to and explain the situation.  

It's just a mess and to be honest I'm not sure if this is enough.  He spoke to the lawyer days ago but hasn't talked to hcbm yet.  I cant tell he's terrified, he knows he is legally screwed unless the woman who has been shitting on him and threatening him off and on for the past 5 years agrees to have her reputation damaged in the court room as she talks about making a child with another man while married to another and collecting child support from her ex husband.  I have a hard time believing this.  

If anyone has advice on how to get this resolved I would love to hear it.  I know the consensus is he needs to just let it go, it's not going to happen.  I agree at this point, there is no reason hcbm would co-operate with this.  She gets money, more if she starts guilting him and threatening him.  


ndc's picture

I didn't go back to look at your background, but if I understand this correctly, your DH has no established paternity, which I assume means he has no court ordered child support.  Has he considered not giving any child support to BM unless and until paternity is established?  That might light a fire under HCBM to cooperate.  I assume her ex-DH is paying CS, so the child is being supported, and I would think he'd be willing to relinquish his rights in order to get out of the financial obligation.  As long as your DH continuess to pay HCBM, what incentive does she have to cooperate with him?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This is HIS mess, not yours, so focus on yourself and your needs. Decide what your limits are, and stick to them. I'd be finding reasons to be busy elsewhere (COVID permitting) and make sure my income wasn't being spent on this clusterF.

Attorneys make a very good living off people exactly like your H. They offer hope, dangling that carrot to keep those billables adding up. Gullible emotional thinkers are their bread and butter.

tog redux's picture

First off, he needs to STOP PAYING SUPPORT. That is his only trump card. If she starts squawking, he can tell her that he'll pay court ordered support once he's been established as the father. 

As for you, I agree with exjulie. Let him handle it and set limits on what's acceptable to you. I'd include refusing to listen to any delusional talk about getting full custody.  

If he'd agree to go to his own therapy, that might help. This seems very hard for him to let go of. 

IDontCare3117's picture

You and I both know it's not support.  He's gifting BM several hundred dollars every month, and that would chap my a$$ if I were in OP's shoes. Her DH is a fool to keep pursuing this.  

tog redux's picture

He sees it as supporting the child he created - and as the only way BM will allow him to be in her life.  But it's the only chance he has to get her to agree for him to be named father.

justmakingthebest's picture

He needs to make sure that not a single dime goes out the door to BM until paternity and visitation are established. 

They can go about doing this quietly and privately if BM will cooperate, but we all know that is highly unlikely. He can send birthday/holiday cards and letters to his daughter. I would make sure he documents everything he sends out and doesn't mail anything without a tracking and a receipt so that he can prove that he is trying to be involved, no only for the courts but potentially to his daughter one day. 

I know your husband is hurting but he has to hold strong. If BM wants a fight, you guys need to make a decision on if it is something you can take on. Otherwise, if BM wants any money from you, she is going to have to establish paternity, file suit- THEN you guys can press for visitation. However, considering everything else BM has pulled, I doubt any of that will happen. She will just call and email and make your DH feel like shit for a while.