Teen daughter drama
This is a very excruciatingly long back story but I will try and keep it brief.
My husband and I have 6 children between us. I have 3 adult children from a previous marriage, 19 20 &23, who have moved out of the home on their own accord. Their father has not had contact with them in over 8 years, however they are all doing extremely well in the real world. 2 step daughter's (more on that below), and 1 daughter, 9, that we have together.
My husband has 2 daughter's, 14 &16, from his ex. We have had consistent fortnightly court ordered shared care for over 10 years. We have also had consistent unnecessary drama caused by the mother throughout this time. She has slowly over the years manipulated her own daughter's to believe that their father is and always wil be a piece of s#%@.
SD16 started to rebel when she was 13, and 3 years of consistent hellish drama that almost ruined my marriage has ended with her deciding that she no longer wants to have a relationship with her father and only live with her mother.
We are now starting to see the same pattern emerge rapidly with SD14. Her overall attitude toward us is very poor. She is disrespectful, unthankful, says how much easier they have it at their mothers because they dont have to do as much and is always comparing how much materialistic "things" they have at their other home. She is blaming her father and I for things that never occurred. It is clear that her mother is continuing the same manipulative tactics.
Whilst my husband and his ex have a less than amicable relationship, we do know that she does raise her daughters, with her new partner (who from all accounts is a decent step father), in a reasonable manner (manipulation and materialism aside). SD's are doing well at school and we don't hear anything about them getting in any sort of trouble. They have everything they could possibly want and need at their mothers.
My husband is a calm, level headed and kind hearted soul who even in the worst of moments did not bad mouth his daughter's mother to them, even though I felt that at times they needed to know certain facts about their mothers past and current toxic behaviours. He is always looking for the good in people and believes time will reveal all lies.
My husband and I both agree that putting our 9yr old daughter through the same cycle again is not acceptable and I am not sure how another round of the same inevitable drama will affect our marriage.
So, my question is... can my husband and I tell SD14 that she is not welcome in our house until such time as she adjusts her perspective and respects our rules and boundaries knowing that all her needs will be met at her mothers?
My husband and I have discussed this, and other options, at length. We are not taking this lightly or looking for the easy way out.
Is it naive to think that SD's would be better off, atm, in 1 stable household rather than having to live 2 separate lives that do not merge?
Please no negative judgemental comments. If I had the time to tell you the whole story you would probably wonder how we managed for this long.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts