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Unethical on DH part or fair game?

Kgeissel81's picture


After a four year battle and $$$ DH lost legal joint custody of SS14. Basically BM had more $$$ for a better attorney and more balls than DH to fight dirty. So now DH still has the same Visitation as before BUT no longer has say in medical/school Decisions. 

Now SS14 is a total spoiled brat and  difficult to deal with. DH has more control over SS14 than BM and the school/therapists have even told DH SS14 listens to DH better than BM. 

SS14 has been refusing to do most HW, refusing to turn on his camera for school google meets, refusing to study for tests etc. SS14 is failing 4 classes and has D and C in the other ones. This falls Mostly  on when BM has SS14.

Now in the past DH would be all over SS14 to do his HW at BM's even calling SS14 to make sure SS did it. Now that BM fought/won full legal custody DH has basically said screw it BM is on her own. Now DH still talks to the teachers an makes sure SS does his HW BUT only if it falls on DH parenting time. DH is hoping SS14 "tanks" the next few months in school and then DH will point the finger at BM saying she can't handle SS. Which she can't. DH is hoping the end result will be BM just can't take SS14 anymore and allows DH to take custody of SS or be able to go back to court saying BM can't get SS to do his schoolwork so that's a change of circumstances and get custody reversed. 

So I'm just not thinking things will go the way DH is hoping. Not sure family court will see things like DH. Thoughts on this?? 





Maxwell09's picture

Im sorry to break it to you but the child failing this one semester will not be enough for your DH to get joint back. Not to mention why the heck would he want to start that battle all over again and spend all that money just to what? Prove BM she can't control her teen or get him to do his homework. Look you are underestimating the species that is Golden Uterus BM, she will let him fail and STILL find a way to blame you guys. It won't be the kids fault and it will never be her fault because that is how their brains work. 

Also the theory that your DH is just going to let him fail while BM is in control then magically get him to unlearn all of those bad habits to turn his grades around after he was allowed to do whatever he wants is a pipe dream. Teenagers will travel the road easiest and most gratifying to them. They have biologically not developed the part of thinking that makes them think and make decisions based on future circumstances (I will do this now so my life is better off later) NOPE. It was one of the best topics of discussion I had when working as a teacher (12th grade) closely with a school counselor about motivating my more deviant teens to focus on success now for future goals. The truth is the kid will make these bad habits and then the first time your DH tries to squash them the kid will run back to mommyyyyyy's house. Don't waste your money on that. 

The only solution I can suggest is sit the kid down and point out the life track he is heading down by behaving this way regardless of which parent is in control of him 'legally'. He needs to be responsible for himself and his grades. He needs to be self aware and create goals for himself. Ask him what does he want to do when he hits the real world.  What kind of job? Does he qualify? How does one qualify? Is he on the path to be where he wants to go? Also throw in there that a good bit of hiring/firing and keeping a job is based on personality and all this school work and homework he is suppose to be doing is just a practice run for his future. If he can't get it done now with a teacher who is paid to babyfeed him through it all then his life will be a string of jobs beause no boss will put up with someone who cant take care of their responsibilities. Even prisoners have duties to take care of if that's his path 

tog redux's picture

If BM here had no way to blame the school or DH, she'd throw SS right under the bus. But she never made long-lasting effort to get him to do his school work. She was far more interested in looking like a good parent than actually being one.

Kgeissel81's picture

Our BM basically wants control and full Decision making over SS BUT wants DH to side with her and do the dirty work oh and pay for stuff. DH was the one who potty trained, trained SS to ride a bike, Taught SS how to bath himself. BM wants to be the one to pick what sport camp SS goes to BUT wants DH to take SS shopping to buy the equipment and bring SS. BM will just show up and play mother of the year. BM wants to be the one with contact with the teachers BUT she wants DH to help SS do his homework. 

So basically BM wants to "look" like she's doing all the work to others but it's really DH. So if DH drops the ball and stops doing extra BM will be screwed. BM is either to lazy or physically unable to get SS to do most things that's where she depended on DH to back her. If DH stops helping BM this will stress her the hell out and it may get to a point she just can't take it anymore 

tog redux's picture

I don't think he should take on helping SS when he's at her house- but I also don't think she will give him up for any reason whatsoever. She will just let him fail and then blame DH for it. Or SS will just start refusing to see or speak to DH.