You are here

Christmas time and guilt

pollycracker's picture

Hi All

I am a stepmom to a 10 year old daughter and a bio mom to a 3 year old. DH and I have a good relationship however since my last post he has had no contact with SD10, not a call nothing and I keep asking him to call her and check on her but he says he needs to get his head "straight" before he calls. I am sure the situation of me being accused of rape and being told that BM will no longer be sending SD10 over to our house if I am here is weighing heavy on him. He is avoiding all communication, he saw SD10 in October for her birthday to provide her with her gifts from us, he told me he asked her when she would be visiting and she responded that she "does not know when". I am not sure she said anything else however he has not spoken to her at all since then. December we always spend as a family, I buy the girls matching outfits and we celebrate it with my mom and in-laws. This year will be the first time in 6 years that she will not be with us for Christmas, at least I think she will not be with us because I asked DH and he said only book the Christmas lunch for us.

I feel guilt because I want him to be in her life but I also acknowledge that he has been through some hectic times with BM and may wish to cut all ties...she has stabbed him, beaten him up, abused him, taken him to court on false charges and the recent false charges  of rape against BM's ex husband (involving her 15 YO daughter) may have created doubt in his mind that SD10 would have falsely accused him as well. The incident in August was that she requested to sleep in the same bed as DH and cried for us to call BM to force him to do so, not sure if she wanted to charge him with rape later but alarm bells went off in my head and I offered for them to sleep in the lounge on separate couches in order to watch TV. She had never requested this before as she has her own room in our house.

This whole situation is sick. I think he has totally given up. not sure what I can do but feeling very guilty. I do not want to be known as a bad step mother or have my BD3 not know her own sister because of all this. please provide me with some advice?

thank you.

 

Catmom024's picture

I think you need to take your 3 y.o. and leave.  It always bothers me that so many people on here say "run for the hills" but in your situation there are some pretty serious things going on.  My fear would be you end up in jail and labeled a sexual predator because of your SD's allegations.  

tog redux's picture

I think your DH is wise to distance himself from this child, she sounds dangerous to all of you. Maybe he can keep up phone calls/video calls but he'd be foolish to be alone with her any time soon.  She sounds very disturbed - can I assume that BM is not getting her any help?

Winterglow's picture

Please stop feeling guilty, you have done nothing to feel guilty about. You are the victim, for goodness sake! None of this was of your doing and there was nothing you could have done to stop the sick minds responsible from carrying out their appalling plans. 

Be kind to yourself. 

justmakingthebest's picture

This is some serious stuff. I think walking away is probably the right thing to do but I would make sure that you have solid legal advice from several parties. I worry that him going no contact could make him look guilty but then trying to see her could look bad as well. I don't know what the right thing to do is but the accusations that have come out are too much. This isn't forgive and forget stuff even from a 10 yr old. 

Harry's picture

No reason to feel guilty,  you are the Victim not SD.    SD is pulling her crap , if you let her in your home and this continues, ONE...you may lose your BD.  This may make the news and other people will not understand.  It can effect your whole life.

Do not let SD in your home, if you see her it's out in public, restaurant, malls ect. I would not even be in a car with her. 
 

Your SD and her BM started this, you are not guilty you are just protecting your family 

CLove's picture

Ok, so from all your postings - I suspect that the BM is probably the one abusing her daughter(s). The open masturbation, the BM co-sleeping with her "holding her tummy", the crying to sleep with daddy. The accusations against TWO different stepfathers. Then the stabbing and lies and abuse of your DH.

The Sd needs intensive therapy. This isnt your war to fight, however, your number 1 responsibility is to your DD. Period. SD needs therapy, you need to protect your DD as she is starting to emulate the SD in behaviors.

I think YOU also need some heavy therapy as well.

Thats my advice. Keep SD away from your DD by any means necessary. Get therapy for yourself.

Best wishes!

ndc's picture

You have no reason to feel guilty.  You are the wronged party.  In your position, I would not want the SD anywhere near me.  Also, I don't know why you feel bad that your husband isn't seeing SD.  You wrote in a prior blog that prior to you coming into the picture he rarely saw her for years.  He obviously doesn't have a problem with not seeing his daughter.  Stay disengaged, let your husband call the shots on his relationship with his daughter, and don't EVER be alone with SD or allow DD to be alone with her.  But please, don't feel guilty.  It's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do to fix this dysfunctional situation.  Take care of yourself and your child and let your husband deal with his baggage.  Consider counseling if you can't get over the guilt.

Harry's picture

Nothing is ever going to change.  Nothing with BM or SD.  I am afraid to say,   SD is a lost cause.  Worst thing that can happen if someone happens to BM. Like going to jail.  You will be stuck with a sick SD 24/7/365.  After years  of abuse it's hard to get these kids some what normal. it will be life long problems 

Rags's picture

There would not be a snowballs chance in hell that I would give up in this situation if I were your SO.

No way.

SeeYouNever's picture

I don't have any advice you really are in a tough predicament. In step families false accusations like this can be so damaging. The place where I kid might actually be the safest it has to deal with accusations meanwhile who knows what the kid is being exposed to at their primary residence. Unfortunately this is not even the first time something like this has come up on this site. Your stepdaughter needs help and needs to be in a place where she feels safe in order to move past this. However there may not be a place where she feels safe anymore. 

I know your past experience has made you feel guilty like you must do something but as a stepparent there really isn't that much you can do. This is one of the many reasons that people disengage it's just too painful to stay engaged when you see all the problems but can't do anything at all about them.