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Financial and responsibity rights

Drjk10473's picture

I became a stepfather in 2015 and all seem pretty good in the beginning. Obviously there were some disagreements or clash of opinions but overall it seemed minimal and manageable. Over the years though it seems it has gone to the point where my opinion and how things affect me financially and responsibility wise are less and less important. It seems that my partner makes decisions that can or do affect me without asking me if it's ok.

She allows many teenage kids and/or   parties in the house and allows them to do things like play beer pong....even though it has previously damaged some of the things in our house. And in many of these cases it even involves paying for food etc for them. As well at times it has affecting me noise wise and responsibility wise as someone has to make sure these kids don't get too carried away.Neither her nor the kids ever ask me if it's ok and we end up fighting about it now as initial conversations about it get nowhere. 

She buys extra things not needed when we can't afford them just because the kids want them. Whether it be a fourth hoodie....several pairs of shoes and boots...to all the makeup they want no matter how expensive it is. I could go on and on. I'm the primary income earner and these things always end up affecting me financially. I don't mind giving up some things for the kids as I've always felt them important but when all' these things not only lead me with not being able to afford anything for me but also ending up in a  hole and sometimes maxing out credit cards and line of credit...it's too much. What I get all the time is...well it's only $50....only $10....only $100...only $2. It's not necessarily the buys themselves that frustrate me so much but how often and where it puts us financially that makes me angry. And then when it seems she does cut down on purchases....she ends up paying for something bigger and saying it should be ok cuz she hasn't been spending as much. That to me defeats the purpose as then she is still spending pretty much the same in the end on things we DON'T NEED.

I've got to the point of fighting with her on these situations and many more like it as well and all I get is being told I'm a control freak or a narcissist. I feel I'm only trying to get these things under control so that we not so far in the hole or so that how things affect me can become at least somewhat more important again. 

I'm at my wits end and can no longer handle it! As the primary income earner and original owner of the house...I feel I need to figure out some way to deal with these situations by either getting us all back together as a more cohesive family or without losing everything like I did when I left the exwife.

 

Comments

Wilhelm's picture

I keep my finances totally seperate from my husband. Well sort of. We have a shared account out of which household bills are paid. Other than that we keep finances seperate. If my husband wants to spend money on things other than bills  no problem . He uses his own money.

When my children were growing up they had a yearly budget for clothes. It was up to them to manage it. If they wanted extras they paid for them out of pocket money. It sounds like these skids are old enough to drink beer thus old enough to get some paid work.

I would not be too happy about teens drinking unless they are of legal age. If they are they can take themselves off to a licensed venue and spend their own money.

Wilhelm's picture

I keep my finances totally seperate from my husband. Well sort of. We have a shared account out of which household bills are paid. Other than that we keep finances seperate. If my husband wants to spend money on things other than bills  no problem . He uses his own money.

When my children were growing up they had a yearly budget for clothes. It was up to them to manage it. If they wanted extras they paid for them out of pocket money. It sounds like these skids are old enough to drink beer thus old enough to get some paid work.

I would not be too happy about teens drinking unless they are of legal age. If they are they can take themselves off to a licensed venue and spend their own money.

The_Upgrade's picture

I'm not saying leave her/them but do consult a divorce attorney to know your rights and what you're potentially up for if you want to go down that path. Any shared kids or just her teens? At the very least you can sit down and have a think on if it's worth trying to salvage the relationship or just pay her out and move on once you get a general idea of the price. Might even be cheaper in the long run. 

JRI's picture

Im guessing if there are teenage kids, you are at least in your late 40s or 50s.  Have you two thought about retirement expenses?  Or are you focused on college expenses? Would she be willing to meet with a financial advisor so you could set some financial goals?  Perhaps that would be a first step toward getting your budget more in line.

We had a somewhat diffetent situation.  My DH was overspending to bail SD59 out of her continual problems.  I was incensed by 1) the amounts and 2) the poor judgment she had shown to get to that position.  Long story short, we separated our finances.  He has a set amount monthly that he can use as he wishes.  I don't ask and don't want to know.  But not one more cent out of the rest of our income goes to her expenses and I review our charge daily to make sure.  This has had the surprising effect of him giving her less.  When it's out of his cash he's much more frugal than when he used to charge things.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You found your way to this site because your gut is telling you something is wrong, which it is. And you're not the first stepfather to post about basically being treated as an atm because the wife thinks she has the upper hand.

No way in hell should you have minors drinking alcohol in your home. It's both illegal and a huge liability issue, and your wife is a crappy parent for allowing such a thing. Why haven't YOU broken up these parties? You've allowed yourself to be marginalized in your own home, and really need to take your power back and use it.

The cold hard truth is, it's YOUR house, and it's NOT your responsibility to support her kids at all. Your wife should be paying for herself and her kids; anything you pay for is strictly voluntary. Your kindness is being exploited, and you're allowing it. Your wife must be pretty confident of her ability to control you, or she wouldn't be so blatant about it. So you have two choices: continue to accept the exploitation, or put a stop to it.

You need to 1)seek advice from a few GOOD divorce attorneys to learn how to protect yourself. Be sure to ask about alimony in your particular state/province, and the best way of getting your wife and her kids out of your home; then 2) cut off access to your money. Get a p.o. box and reroute your mail. Cancel all joint accounts, open new accounts at a different bank in your name only, and move your funds. Remove your wife as an authorized user on all credit cards. Change all passwords, and move all important documents to a safe place outside the home. Hell, cancel the wifi, cable, Netflix etc and suspend all their cell phones, too.Time these things carefully, and give no warning. When your wife freaks out because you've cut off the gravy train, be ready to either give her an ultimatum or ask her to leave, depending on what you want.

You deserve to be treated with respect, and loved rather than used. Make this your hill to die on, and drop some shock n awe on these users. We are here for you.

 

tog redux's picture

Yes, all of this - you are being way too passive here. It's not your job to support children who aren't yours - if she doesn't get child support, she needs to at least have an income, and bills need to be split as fairly as possible.  Separate income and each of you can put into a joint account your share of household bills (hers would be higher, since she's supporting her kids and herself) and she can pay for extras for her kids out of her own money.

Now, I know what you are going to say next - she doesn't work, or she works minimally, and you being an old-fashioned guy, think it's your job to "provide".  If that's the case, you are being used.  It's not your job to support your spouse and her kids that aren't yours, period.  If you want to help, fine - but she shouldn't have unfettered access to your money to waste on her kids.

As for the parties, do you want to go to jail? That's what will happen if one of those kids gets in an accident or their parents call the police. It's insane that she's allowing this and you are going along.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I'd echo that you should seperate finances.  If you want to continue to be in this relationship, then consider having your partner on an allowance.  This is not going to make for a good partnership but she's clearly not able to manage money and this might stop the bleed in the short term.

If she won't agree to a financial management course, then you should think about an exit plan.  Life is too short.

Thumper's picture

Does she have a court order for her ex to pay HER child support or alimony?

You are not obligated to support her kids from a different dude.

I would re-think how she has access to your earnings. I would send your pay check into a seperate account in your name only, fill out benificary form so  that account goes to a trusted adult other than your wife.

Someone in my family worked overseas as a contractor for several years. He 'trusted' his spouse to do the right thing. Turns out she was blowing over 11K a month, by stashing cash at HER realtives homes via atm withdraws. She also signed student loans for her Grandkids of course without his knowlege.  Buying buying buying big dollar stuff for everyone stateside on his dime.

Military women do the same things to their husbands during deployment.

My point to you is---do something about it before you go broke. TELL HER she can buy all this stuff on her dime and child support if she wants to. IF she doesnt like it she can lump it.

PROTECT you first.

 

Harry's picture

Then she should be paying for her kids to be living in your home.  If she was not with you she eouldhave to pay rent .

It'd your home, no under age drinking or drugs in the house.  Kids can go over there friends home to drink   You have to put your foot down.  Like everyone said.  Older kids get the more they need. Cars, insurance, college.  Who going to pat for that 

You did not make those kids you have no responsible to then

CLove's picture

You have a lot going on here that needs addressing.

- Drinking and parties. You never mentioned how old they are. Im assuming if you are still supporting them, they arent old enough to legally drink. YOU are liable if anything happens and anyone gets caught. YOU can stop these parties. Call the police if you have to.

- You mention that she is your partner, but not if you are married. Consult a lawyer TODAY. See above.

- You are her ATM. And she is not parenting. Time to discuss budgeting. Finances. CUT THAT OFF. You are frustrated for a reason, listen to what your instincts are telling you. 

- Consider that she doesnt see that she is doing anything wrong or incorrectly. Consider that when you bring up your concerns she gaslights and deflects. Accuses you of being a Narcissist. This is exactly what Narcs do to their partners, so they dont have to address what is actually a problem.

Sorry you have to go through this. Keep us posted!