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Apology from BM

Dogmom1321's picture

This was totally unexpected. BM has made both DH and my life hell for the last 5 years (since we started dating). Dragging us to court, parental alienation, cussing out DH on the regular, etc. etc. Typical HCBM behavior. I disengaged from her from the start, never wanting a conversation with her or even meeting in person. Within the past year, DH had only talked to her via text to have everything in writing and to also keep it strictly to SD. 

Well yesterday DH received a text "I just sent ____ a message on Facebook, btw, incase she wants to read it." DH goes "DId you get something from ______" Joking, but half serious since it's happened before, I said "What, a death threat?" Also, I thought we blocked each other on FB?

Well, I guess she had unblocked and I indeed did get a message. She went on to APOLOGIZE for the last few years for "all the trouble she's caused." SD is struggling BADLY in school (I'm a teacher) and she went on to say she's sorry for not acknowledging all of my work to help DH raise her. And "promised" it wouldn't go unnoticed anymore. Her excuse for the past few years was "she was in a bad place" and BF at the time was on drugs. Honestly, I'm assuming she was too. But that's a different issue. 

DH and I both have assumed she has boderline personality disorder or bipolar. She goes on these "highs" (about every 6 months or so, or when she gets a new boyfriend) and attempts to be cordial again. BM did say she does not expect us to be friends, but wanted to apologize. But, GAVE ME HER NUMBER, if something came up with school. 

I'm extremely cautious. She always has a MO. Is she REALLY seeing the light this time? Is she grasping at straws because DH and I are finally having an "ours" baby and she doesn't want to lose attention? 


I'm not going to put anything in writing to BM. I don't plan on calling her about school either. DH can continue to do the communicating. What do you guys think? Any insight as what you think her true intentions are?

Gimlet's picture

If she's borderline, this is all part of the cycle.  You're either a demon or an angel and right now you're an angel.  About every 6 months or so my sister will text me how much she misses me and wants to reconnect.  It's not real, it's just a matter of time before she hates me again.

It doesn't matter what BM's MO is.  Let your DH continue to handle her, you stay distant and polite.  He can talk to her about schooling, etc.  That's simply not your job and it will just create potential for even greater drama.

If she's serious, time will tell and she will treat your DH better.  If she's not, well, you already know how that goes. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This. My stepsister claims to have BPD (wouldn't surprise me if she did) and has these "moments of clarity" where she gets a job, wants to be the "good daughter" again, and get her life on track. This also usually involves leaving her husband and his kids (who know her as Mom) and fleeing into the arms of some other "friend". 

My family doesn't understand why SBro, my sister, and I don't open our arms to her like they do. It's because we're smart enough to see the pattern, or at least disengaged enough to not care one way or the other. It's all an act, everything is theatre, and you never know whether you're the villain or hero in her story.

OP, I say enjoy the peace while it lasts, but don't change course. Sometimes apologies aren't enough, and an apology that isn't met with action to change the situation is just words. You're under no obligation to communicate with her, or even forgive her. Even if she's genuine this time, you're still not obligated to like her or befriend her.

Stay the course that works for you and your home. She has made the bed she lays in. Let her squirm in it.

tog redux's picture

Love-bombing. She needs something from you, ie, your help with SD so she doesn't look like such a bad parent.

No harm in being civil, but don't let down your guard.

Thumper's picture

IF she did not outline everything she did to cause you harm ---it is NOT an apology.

Apologies are more than words, there are actions that must support it.

 Stay on alert.


Dogmom1321's picture

Very true. She never said anything specific about her actions just "Sorry for the way things have been".

JRI's picture

If theres some kind of issue with SD, she might be looking ahead and thinking of the day she can leave all her problems on your doorstep.  Of course, once youd made all the transitions, she woukd change her mind.  Beware.

Texashley33's picture

I would accept her apology but ignore her..don't become friends so she can end up stabbing you in the back. My Husband's ex wife fakely tried to be friends with me at first just to get her big nose in my business and started stalking me and downtalking everything about me. I never even wanted to meet her and she forced herself to do so. Ugh. 

CLove's picture

Shes up to something. Keep everything cordial. Keep your distance.

Texashley33's picture

BM wont ever apologize to me..She stalked me until I would meet her..then she would parade around us trying to make me jealous, bc SHE was jealous and crazy. I hate ex wives, they are all the same. She drove by my house again last night. I was outside about to go for a jog. I deserve an apology, after all the BS she made me go through. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Right!? Maybe wishful thinking, but I was hoping BM would be SPECIFIC with her apology. 

"I'm sorry for damaging and trying to sabatoge your relationship with SD."

"I'm sorry for trying to break up you and DH when you were dating"

"I'm sorry blaming all of SDs problems on you.'

"I'm sorry for filing ridiculous court papers filled with false allegations"

Nope, none of that. Because now that I think about it... she probably doesn't see anything WRONG with any of that! She's just sorry for "how things have been." *eyeroll* Yeah, we will see how lomg this lasts this time around.

Sept 2019 (not to me but to DH) she "apologized" too and wanted everyone to "work together". Only 2 months later to forbid SD from texting or calling me while she was at BMs because "it was distractring SD during her parenting time" and "SD shouldn't have to talk to SM when it's BMs offical time".