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Am i asking for too much?

Creativecub's picture

Hi, i'd love some advice on this issue as i don't know whether i am asking for too much here. 
I have posted about an issue between Steps before on the forum but SO and i talked and we were ok - i think it was the initial shock of SKs living with us and i had other personal things going on at the time.

Now we've hit another bump in the road and i'd like some advice on whether i'm asking too much. We've been together 7yrs.

So background on other halfs day - weekdays...
Wakes son up (age 12) (wake up straight away) gets on with getting ready etc. Wakes daughter up (16 in dec) spends about half hour doing this before she's up. Goes to do school run, goes back to work or is home working a few hour due to covid. Picks kids up and does homework with them, chills with them, we have dinner around 6-6:30pm and then we chill again and he makes sure they have shower time. Son has shower 8pm, SO will chill with him for 15min or so. Daughter showers after, SO will keep her company for however long usually til around 10pm.  Daughter currently online learning from school due to covid so shes in her room working or doing homework, if other half is home he will be with her most of this duration. 

Weekends kids will be with their mum or with other half and whatever he is doing. 

Ok so i totally understand he has to help them with homework and anything else which they need help with or are unable to do. I work from home and i do see other half for a cigarette in the garden for 5 mins throughout the day otherwise not til about 10-half 10 in the evening. My issue is with him not setting any boundaries. We spoke about this on Monday about boundaries and us having some time together everyday so maybe 9-9.30 he leaves them to it and it's our time after that and he said yes we do need time together. Tueday - he has totally ignored this and comes down after being with his daughter at 10. Wednesday he comes down at 9pm til 10 then goes for 45min to chill with daughter again. 

I feel like his daughter takes up literally all his time and the only time other half comes to me is when he wants to be intimate. I feel like i'm not as important as the daughter in his life and so will always come last (also i understand that kids must come first - when they're struggling or need help otherwise should be equal between kids and myself). He doesn't seem too bothered. 

Am i asking too much for us to spend time together each day? Please advice if i am asking too much or what i can do that might help or anything really.

Thank you

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You aren't asking too much. His daughter sounds very high-maintenance, because he has raised her to be that way. At 16 she should not require that much one-on-one daddy time. If she is that way at 16, it might be a life-long pattern for her that won't end at 18. 

Creativecub's picture

She is quite high maintenance. She's also going through jealousy at the moment as her mum has had a baby so is playing up. I know this will be 10 times worse if we and the other half have children and it worries me. I have expressed this to him and he knows she will but accepts it. 

tog redux's picture

His daughter is 16 and he sits with her until 10 doing her homework? That's crazy - at her age, she should be shoving him out the door and slamming it in his face.

Sounds like he doesn't put the same importance on your relationship as he does on being an (overinvolved) parent.

Creativecub's picture

they do homework afterschool for an hour / hour and half then chill. But he chills with her in the evening after she's in bed. He says she's opening up to him about her mum (SD and mum don;t get on) and school and they watch tiktoks and basically have bonding time. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I would have a hard time being attracted to a man who would rather hang out with his teen daughter in her bed watching tiktok and talking about his ex late at night than be in bed with me.

"OMG Becky did you see that tiktok?! Wtf? And let's talk about your mom!" Barf. 

Creativecub's picture

The kids have only just started living with us now for the past 4 months. The mum and her bf are a waste of space to be honest and SD doesn't get on with them. But she does also have attitude so that doesn't help. I think its more so about where her headspace is at.

justmakingthebest's picture

My bios are 13 and 15. I spend no time with the 15 yr old and homework other than to log on to his school portal once a week to make sure everything got turned in since they are virtual. I spend less than 10-15 minutes a week with my daughter and that is me helping her with Spanish because she has to be able to speak it into recordings for her teacher and she wants to rehearse with me before she does it. 

Your SO is spending WAAAYYY too much time catering to his kids. This is over the top. You aren't asking for too much and honestly if he can't give your relationship any priority at all, why are you in it?

Creativecub's picture

Thanks, this is the conversation we had on Monday and i asked the same question, what am i here for? I do understand that he needs to spend time with them both on homework and things but he doesn;t need to cater for them 24/7 which i think he feels like he does. 

Tried out's picture

year old does not require a parent sitting with them while they do homework - that's crazy! And a 12 year old should be transitioning out of it very quickly. Homework is designed in part to teach kids to work independently, develop their own ideas and learn from their mistakes. Dad is handicapping them in all three areas.

Stepmama2321's picture

So your SO is only around you when he wants you fulfill his sexual needs and the rest of the time is spent with his kids fulfilling his emotional needs. That's a one-sided relationship.

Winterglow's picture

He needs to give his daughter some space. By all means, check that she's on track with her schooling and homework but he does NOT need to sit  with her while she is working/studyinh. He's creating a dependence that she will struggle with in the outside world - how on earth will she manage without her daddy to hold her hand? He's not doing her any favours.

I have (newly turned) 18 yo daughters. I am there if they need help with anything but that seldom happens. Teenagers do not need so much hand-holding. It isn't healthy. The teenage years are when they're supposed to be learning and demanding their independence and taking that away from them is purely selfish and will handicap them in their future lives.

Creativecub's picture

This is what i've tried to explain. But he's put her on this pedestal and it isn;t helping her learn anything

Winterglow's picture

Doesn't she have any friends that she sees? Ask him how many of her friends have their fathers breathing down their necks for their homework all the time (bet he never thought of it like that).

Creativecub's picture

Not where we live, they all live near their mums and with lockdown here shes not able to physically see them. She will be snapchatting and messaging them though. He was helping one of her friends with her homework on the other day and i did say its not his responsibility. He's put doing her friends homework before me. 

SeeYouNever's picture

I would bring this up with him but don't mention your SD since you know he will get defensive if you do. Tell him that you are feeling disconnected from him and you guys should make an effort to put some time aside to reconnect. You aren't asking for too much, you're asking to connect with him more. I think anyone who has been through a divorce would see that this is a very early signal that something needs to change and if it's not addressed it will gradually degrade your relationship. Put a little bit of that fear in him.

Maybe get into bed a half hour earlier and just chat before turning out the light. Schedule a date night? It's cold now but are you able to go for a walk together? He should be open to ideas as long as you don't directly say that you want him to take time from his daughter to you, just let it be implied...

Creativecub's picture

We have already discussed it so that's done. But if i have to again i will remember this. I have been through divorce but he hasn't, his relationship with the kids mum just didn;t work. I did mention that if he can't or isn't willing to put in effort into our relationship then there is no point in me bring here. We have talked about walks and stuff taking time out but it is cold and it also never happens because the daughter will want attention so then it's cancelled or its gotten too late. 

Winterglow's picture

I agree with you. He's being perfectly clear that he doesn't have time for a relationship. I wouldn't hang about either, if I were you. Why should you waste your time on someone who never sees you as a priority?

Creativecub's picture

Thanks. I said id give it a few weeks to see if he makes any changes probably up until christmas. Of not then I'll be leaving. I guess i just wanted some feedback on whether or not i was overreacting or asking too much.

Harry's picture

You should be number one.  Kids have to be taken care of.  Not being a mini wife.  
He should make SD do her homework by herself like most other kids.  He should just checked it after it's finish. Not do it. 
He should be 

Weekends when kids are with the ex. You should be doing adult things.  Going a way for the weekend, going out to dinner. Show, concert ( not now with COVID ). But you can still go away do day trips. Have alone adult time.

This is the best it's going to be, remember that. Down hill from here 

Creativecub's picture

He sits with them because they're so behind at school which i am fine with. I don't think their mum makes them do homework and the kids arent bothered. Its just i dont think he needs to be with them til they close their eyes and sleep!

Tried out's picture

check to see if it's completed. It's her responsibility, not her dad's. If she doesn't do it and messes up her grades that's on her. Dad making himself responsible for her work is just a big mistake.

Merry's picture

Of course you should have time with your partner. Sounds like he makes time for you only when HE needs something (intimacy) that he can't get from his kids. That's just sex, not intimacy.

What if you had your own activities in the evening? Would he care that you're gone, or does he expect you to sit around waiting for his crumbs? Because I'd be out every evening living my life instead of waiting for a partner to join me. His actions indicate that he's not so interested in joining you.

He's getting everything he needs from his kids, especially his daughter. Nothing left for you except sex. That's a big hell no for me.

Creativecub's picture

We had this issue a while ago when he felt like i was always working. I work from home and sometimes id end up packing orders or answering emails late at night and he hated it because we didnt spend any time together. Maybe i need to remind him of this?