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O/T - Dreading seeing my cousin's gf next weekend

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Okay so next weekend we are driving 2 hours away to my aunt's home where my dad's side of the family is coming, plus us, my parents and my brother. My bf has met obviously my brother and parents, but he also has met the aunt, uncle, and cousin's home that we will be staying at. Bf has not met the rest of that side yet because since we have been together the times I have seen them has been mostly in sad circumstances or bf could not get the time off to fly there and visit. I was pretty excited for my bf to finally meet them since COVID canceled early plans to do so. I am no longer very excited about the trip anymore because now my cousin (who used to be my favorite to see) is coming with his gf. Originally my cousin could not get the time off of work to come, but now they are coming. Now it is only for the weekend and I will get over it, but I want to give a synopsis of why I don't like her/dread seeing her.

Background: This November they have been together for 5 years. She is 26 like me and my cousin is 25. Until August 2019 I had never met her, just knew she existed.

Reasons:

1. When I met her in August is when I flew down to be with my family after my 17 year old cousin committed suicide. My cousin who passed was the cousin I am talking about's sister. About 4-5 days after her death, my cousin asked if I wanted to go out with him, his gf, and another cousin for drinks to just get out of the house. I told him sure if that is what he wanted to do then I would go. We get in the car, about 3 minutes after we leave, my cousin expresses he changed his mind and doesn't want to go out. His gf responds with "If you don't want to go out anymore than I will go drop you off, but then I am going out because I need to get out of that house and get a drink. So whatever, thanks for changing your mind." .... Sure, it probably wasn't easy being around 20 members of my family 24/7 grieving our loss, but really that is how you're acting when his sister just killed herself a few days ago? ....

2. The next day gf goes to get her nails done, go to the gym, and get her hair done so in her words she could "look good" for the funeral...

3. Day of funeral, gf gets drunk at the event that comes after a funeral (I don't know what the right term is). Steals a bottle of wine from the restaurant the event was held at. Then when we are back at my grandma's house my aunt asks why cousin's BM's side of the family is at the house. Gf responds that she invited them back over. My aunt then says I am going to kindly ask if they could go back to cousin's BM's home. After aunt walks away gf says that if she invited them then they are welcome to come and she can invite whoever over to this house, etc. Now mind you I was not getting into it with her the day of the funeral with this drunk girl.

The reason this was such a problem is because my cousin's BM cheated on her dad with my other cousin's sports coach, left my uncle, wanted nothing to do with her children unless my uncle paid her money to do so, the list goes on and on, but the home we were at was my uncle's mother's home who HATES BM for good reason so it was extremely rude for the gf to invite them over especially because then BM showed up at my grandma's house because her family was there.

4. Still day of funeral, gf later goes on about how my other cousin's gf is so weird and ugly, etc. talking trash about this super sweet girl who has been the type of gf she should be during all this in being helpful, more on the quiet side, just being there for my cousin, instead of the way this girl was acting.

5. The day before I leave to go back to my home after the funeral, the gf and my cousin tell me that they are planning on visiting the aunt who lives 2 hours from me in a few months and I should come down to go see them, etc. So I said sure, that would be cool since I don't get to see my cousin very often. Next thing you know my cousin never mentions another thing again, then I find out that they are at my aunt's who didn't know they invited me and don't say a word. Come to find out that cousin's gf said she really didn't want me to come down so they basically ghosted me on the whole thing. Find out months later that gf found out I was ticked off with them about it and tells my aunt that if I have a problem with that whole situation I should say something to her.... Which really ticked me off, but using maturity and being the bigger person, I again am choosing not to get into with her.

6. She keeps making comments to and in front of my family about wanting a ring and not getting a ring. Now 1. my cousin HATES marriage especially after everything with his parents, 2. I don't think complaining to his family is going to get you a ring.

7. She constantly tells my cousin what to do and what not to do, you can never get a minute alone with him without her, she is entitled and extremely materialistic.

The comments she makes about the topic are "well if (cousin) ever gets me a ring," "I thought I'd have a ring by now, but apparently not," "everyone else is getting a ring, but me," etc.

There are about 10 more examples I could go on and on about, but I am not going to. The point is I was really looking forward to next weekend and the fact my cousin is coming with his gf has tainted that. She is very bossy, rude, stuck up, and always wants to be the center of attention and admiration. None of us have any idea what he sees in her besides she has a job and is pretty? Another relative asked my cousin if he saw himself being with gf for the rest of his life and he said no. So I don't really understand the point or anything on why he is with her. The only thing I see is that he is comfortable and doesn't feel like putting energy in to meet someone else? No one in my family likes her that I have heard of. I have heard many many complain about her or share a can you believe that story about her.

My cousin and I are not nearly as close as we used to be so I am not going to say anything about her unless he directly asked my opinion on her. Everyone else is tiptoeing around it because after what he has been through no one wants to get him upset. Which I get, but the end result might be he ends up marrying her because he is tired of hearing her complain about not getting a ring and if that happens it is not going to end well.

Well enough venting about the subject just needed to get that out. It is only 2.5 days, one of the days we are going apple picking so at least we will be out and about. In a way I feel bad because bf already hates her since he has heard my mom, my aunt, my dad, my uncle, and me complain about her. Just need to suck it up and get through it.

 

Comments

Gimlet's picture

Don't you despise how disordered people are able to get away with their bad behavior because everyone else has normal boundaries and manners and doesn't want to cause problems? 

You can't sink to their level because that's what they want and besides, that's their specialty. 

The only way I have found to deal with people like these is to be very emotionless (grey rock) and matter of fact, but also firm.  Once they figure out they can intimidate you, they will.  They also want an emotional response from you so by just being firm and calm, they will hopefully eventually avoid you. 

It's hard to do, but if you don't have an option to shut them out completely and have to spend time around them, it's what's worked for me.  Rob her of the strife and attention she's so desperately seeking.  Give her nothing.

Hoping others have some suggestions as most of the time I just cut these sorts of people off. 

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

with her being mad at my cousin for not wanting to go out, my dislike for her started. Then after her actions the day of the funeral plus excluding me for the visit she originally invited me to, I don't want to be around her at all. So I will be polite and civil, but in no way will go out of my way to interact with her.

I am interested to see if drama unfolds from her though because she pitched a fit that her and my cousin will not get their own bedroom during the visit. Everytime we go to this aunts, we all stay at her home. It is 3 floors with 4 bedrooms and upstairs is their like rec room on the whole floor. The married couples such as my aunt and uncle who live there obviously get a bedroom then my parents, my grandparents, and my other aunt and uncle get the other bedroom. So the rest of us sleep on air mattresses, queen sized nice ones. No one in the family has issues with this as we can all be under one roof and it is simply just for sleeping for a short visit. Well apparently she complained to my cousin's step mom who told my aunt. The gf has never visited with the whole family and somehow she thought she was getting special treatment over the older couples. So my aunt texted her and just gave her the layout of the sleeping arrangements and said if she wanted she would recommend some close hotels. LOL....

I will definitely be doing the whole grey rock routine towards her. I have no interest in speaking to her between my experiences and other family member's experiences with her. I am excited to see my other family and get to introduce them to bf and that will be that.

Gimlet's picture

So my aunt texted her and just gave her the layout of the sleeping arrangements and said if she wanted she would recommend some close hotels. LOL....

Sounds like your family is already on the right track.  Perfect response from your aunt.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

who's home it is are basically done with the gf's bullshit. Especially when my cousin and the gf came to visit last October that I was supposed to be a part of, apparently neither of them offered to pay for anything just expected my aunt and uncle to cover them on their visit... they both were 25 & 24 at the time and both have full time jobs. My cousin makes really good money too.

The only good all this has brought about is my aunt apprecaites me a lot more. Apparently she called my mom to say how my parents raised me right etc. because I ALWAYS offer to pay, chip in, help out, etc. She said seeing the gf's behavior vs. mine when we are the same age is baffling to her.

The rest of the family does not want to upset my cousin, so no one has ever said anything to him about her. My bf's prediction is they will get married and divorced, but I hope they just don't make it to the altar.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

God, she sounds horrible! I agree with the poster who said to gray rock her. Drama queens love any attention, good or bad. Don't give her any! 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I don't know if it is more to do with just getting older or dealing with the whole step, divorce, custody stuff that has matured me, but it is just mind blowing to me that we are the same age. At least there is like 13 other people for me to interact with that it shouldn't be too much of an issue. Just need to keep my eye rolling to a minimum.

Evil3's picture

OMG! She sounds exactly like the attention-whoring entitled mini-wives on Steptalk. What a cow!

I have a different opinion on whether or not to share thoughts on the gf. I've seen two very contentious divorces after short marriages in my clan and both times my relatives would lament that they wish they knew what everyone else in the family saw. The'd ask, "why didn't anyone tell me?" This was asked because my relatives said they already knew but were so used to being beaten down and gaslighted by their exes that my relatives thought they were crazy or wrong for feeling the way they did about their GF/BF before they married. They knew they shouldn't marry but felt obligated because they must be wrong because no one validates what they see. 
 

In saying something it's how it's said. You don't have to rag about the bitch. You can use tactful terms. Maybe do it in a way that asks your cousin how he's feeling in his relationship and tell him it's ok if he wants out. Maybe get a relative who is closer to your cousin to do it.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

You would think either 1. She was an only child with only child syndrome or 2. Her parents were divorced and she became a mini wife.

Guess what? Neither is true she is the middle child and her parents are still together! It is baffaling!

My uncle in July voted he would be the one to say something to my cousin. Now if he was playing around or serious, we shall see. The hardest part is she never leaves his side even when he is just around his family. It is super frustrating! Last August when everything happened my cousin went on a walk with my dad and he literally had to text his gf to leave him alone and let him go on a walk with his uncle. The gf was mad and complaining about it. I just ignored it because I am not feeding into it. Like I said, if my cousin asked or brought it up, I would just probably tell him I think he can do better, that he has changed since being with her, and that it's his life and his choice, but I would seriously consider what he wants and if he is happy with her.

Sometimes telling the person just alienates them from the person telling them. That is what my mom and aunt think would happen if I said something, but at this point, I have been rather frustrated with my cousin and am tempted to risk it. My cousin really hurt my feelings that he invited me to hang out when he came up, but then blew me off because his gf told him to. If my bf had done that, I would of been like get over it, I want to see my cousin, but that did not happen.

Sparkl3s's picture

What a GEM!! I don't think it matters what you do bc she is going to rewrite what happens in her memories to fit her narrative. BRAVO to your aunt for suggesting hotels. 

Do whatever brings you peace in your dealings with her. She is NEVER going to be wrong and always be the victim. Don't exhaust yourself to be accommodating to someone isn't going to appreciate it. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Greedy Exhausting Materialistic than you are right, she is a GEM! Yeah I am not going to waste my energy on someone like that just put a litte bit of a cloud on the trip which is frustrating! Yeah my aunt was going back and forth on saying something then she was like there is no queen bee and I am letting her know before she gets here because I am not dealing with it. LOL. My aunt is a woman who speaks her mind so she has been biting her tongue this far, but it is her home so I don't blame her not biting her tongue on this one.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Thanks! Xoxo

Lifer33's picture

A spoiled nasty entitled brat. But equally, with the texting and never leaving his side maybe she's massively insecure. That would make sense if she's ragging out that lovely girl you mentioned. It could start with someone asking the cousin if she's got any issues or history  with stuff like that tactfully? We've noticed she's not keen to be away from you etc 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

We shall see how it goes. Now that I know the type of person she is, I won't be letting myself be in the situations like before of feeling comfortable to complain and gossip